Pieces Of My Heart
by BlackRoseOnFire
Summary: These cuts are leaving creases. Trace the scars to fit the pieces. To tell your story you don't have to say a word. COMPLETE
1. Resistance

**Chapter One: Resistance**

I bustled about, cleaning my room. Trying not to think about the shit I was going through, and most of all, trying not to cut myself. Every time I put the scissors back in their place, or the push pins back into the jar, I resisted. I was doing extremely well until I remembered why I was keeping busy. I picked my scissors up and studied them, seeing the dried blood on the tips. My fingers trailed to the scar they left, and traced over it lightly. It all started two weeks ago with my best friend Marco.

**Flashback – 2 Weeks Earlier –**

I sat down next to Marco on his bed, where we could be away from the noise of Spinner and Jimmy watching that horribly boring movie. I leaned towards Marco and kissed him on the lips. He kissed me back, but very lightly. I kissed him harder the next time, and he held back a little.

"What's wrong?" I asked him. "Don't you like me?"

"Of course I do. I'm just not used to this…" he trailed off.

"It's okay if you're inexperienced, I am too," I assured him.

This time Marco kissed me. I smiled and he laid me down, staying on top of me. I paused and pulled my shirt off over my head. He kissed my neck, and kept going until he reached my stomach. I giggled like a small child, and was immediately embarrassed. But Marco smiled and laughed with me.

"I love you Ellie," he whispered.

"I love you too Marco," I said back to him. We were only in grade ten, but I knew he was my soul mate. He was the only one who understood me. I playfully unbuttoned his jeans and pulled down the zipper. He helped me get them off, and then I pulled his boxers right off. He reached up under my skirt to pull off my underwear, and then kissed me, slipping his tongue into my mouth as he went inside of me. I lost my virginity to him that night, and he lost his to me. It was one of the best nights of my life.

Once we were finished, we quickly got dressed and both fixed our hair. We went back into Marco's living room where Spinner and Jimmy were still hypnotized by that idiotic film.

"You just missed the best part," Spinner said, shoving popcorn in his mouth. Neither of them had realized just how long we were gone.

"I'm gonna go home now. I'll see you guys later," I told them. Marco walked me to the door. "I had a great time," I said and kissed him. In return, all he gave me was a weak smile. I was a little suspicious but decided that he was just overwhelmed.

**-End of Flashback-**

I haven't cut myself at all since a few days before that night. I felt so free and alive that I didn't need to. No one knew that I was cutting, not even my own parents. My dad was always gone and my mom was always drunk. Cutting helped me forget about the pain that my family caused me. But with Marco, I didn't need to. My pain went away the minute I saw his face. My favorite quote was from a Dashboard Confessional song that he sang to me one night in an attempt to make me laugh.

_These cuts are leaving creases_

_Trace the scars to fit the pieces_

_To tell your story_

_You don't have to say a word_

Marco really is a horrible singer. That's what cheered me up so much.

I finished cleaning my room and lay down on my bed with nothing else to do. I noticed the blinking light on my cell phone and saw that I had two new voicemails. Both from Marco. I eagerly listened to the messages.

"Hey El, it's me. Listen, I really need to talk to you so call me back. Bye." He sounded a little worried in the first message, but the second one sounded worse.

"I know I called like five minutes ago, but you haven't called back. You usually always answer the phone. Where are you? Anyway, call me the second you get this!" After hearing the second message, I immediately called him.

"Are you okay?" was the first thing I asked when he answered the phone.

"Physically, yes. Emotionally, no. We really have to talk. Can you come over to my house, like, right now?" he asked me.

"Sure, no problem," I answered him. "I'll be right over." I hung up the phone and applied some makeup before heading out the window. My mom wouldn't miss me if she didn't know I was gone. If I had gone out the front door, she would have started an argument. She always did when she was drunk. And she was always drunk.

During the walk to Marco's house, I thought about the way he sounded. I knew he was definitely upset, but I hoped it wasn't about me. Maybe he wasn't ready for sex that night. Yeah, that was probably it. I hoped he didn't think I pressured him into it. I mean, he didn't have to help me take his pants off, or take my underwear off. I began to jog when I realized that I still had quite a ways to go before I got there.

As soon as I reached his house, I climbed up the trellis and onto the little section of roof outside his window. I tapped on it and he let me in. When I sat down on his bed, he began pacing back and forth. I knew this was not going to be pretty. I laid back and stared at the ceiling, waiting for whatever it was that he needed to say.

* * *

"What?" I asked him in disbelief. My eyes were wide and my jaw practically hit the floor. "Are you sure Marco?" I asked him. "I thought you loved me." I wiped a single tear from my cheek and desperately tried to hold back the rest. It didn't work.

"I do love you Ellie, and I always will, I just…"

"You just like boys more?" I asked. Yes, my best friend, my one true love, my soul mate, had just told me that he was gay. "That's why you were resistant that night," I finally realized. "You already knew, didn't you?"

"I wasn't completely sure. I wanted to see if I was wrong," he said to me. "El, I'm so sorry," he said, not hiding his shame.

"It's okay, really," I told him and threw my arms around him. "It's not your fault." He hugged me so hard that I though my insides would explode.

"I still love you Ellie, I just can't in that way I guess."

"I love you too Marco."

"Hey, if you were a boy…" he started to say. I laughed. Only my laugh wasn't the same as always, it was a little nervous.

"Marco, I have to tell you something too. It's not going to be easy," I said and sighed.

"Go ahead, you can tell me anything," he said to me.

"Are you sure about that?" I asked.

"Positive."

"Marco…" I began. I almost didn't tell him, because I knew it would be hard for him. It was really hard for me when I found out and even harder when I kept it a secret from him. Of course, I had only known for a day or so, but I still didn't like to keep anything from him at all. "…I'm pregnant."

**A/N: I really wanted to make an Ellie fic, so here it is. The story is obviously in Ellie's POV, if you didn't get that already. The flashback is my version of Careless Whisper where they go to his room and kiss but Ellie realizes that he's gay. At least, I think that's the episode it happens in. But the story takes place when they're in tenth grade…sorry if that confuses you. **


	2. Getting Help

**Chapter Two: Getting Help**

**A/N: To antiIRONY just to let you know, you can tell you're pregnant after two weeks…it takes two weeks from conceiving for you to actually be able to know by taking a home pregnancy test…any time before that, it'll be negative. I already have the first four chapters of the story written and many more ideas for it…hope you like how it goes. **

It had been two days since I told Marco the news. News that I never thought I'd be telling anyone until I was about twenty-five. After I told him, he sat down next to me in shock, but held me in his arms while I cried.

I was now sitting on my bed, snapping the rubber band around my wrist. I couldn't tell her. My mother is the main reason that I cut, and if I told her that I was pregnant, I don't know what she'd do. She'd probably hurt me and the baby. I had to get out. But where would I go?

Marco was the only person I hung out with. Ashley tried to be friends with me when I first moved here, but she got increasingly annoying, so I decided that I'd rather have only one friend. I doubted that Marco's parents would let me live there, especially since I was pregnant. We both decided not to tell his parents because I didn't want them to disown him or anything. Plus, if they found out he was gay, that would push them completely over the edge.

Despite his sexuality, Marco still wanted to be a part of my life and the baby's life. We were way too young to get an apartment together, and didn't have money to do it anyway. So here I was, Eleanor Nash, fifteen and pregnant, and I had nowhere to go. For the time being, I decided to just stick it out at home, and leave the minute I started showing. I had about three or four months to get my shit together.

"Eleanor!" My mom screamed from the living room. "Get me another bottle!" I silently obeyed her, taking a bottle of whatever she was drinking out of the cabinet. I was always tempted to take a sip, drink a shot, a glass full, or even get wasted with her. But I never did. And I definitely couldn't do it now that I was going to have a baby. I knew that stuff would hurt it. I brought my mother the bottle and she ripped it out of my hands, taking a long swig of it before passing out on the floor. I was too small to lift her onto the couch, so I did what I did every night. I put a pillow under her head, covered her with a blanket, and moved the empty bottles away from her so she didn't roll over onto them, crushing them and hurting herself.

"I'm going out," I whispered to her as if she could hear me. "I'll be back by eleven." I looked at the clock over the television. It was only seven o'clock. I had plenty of time. My first stop was Marco's house, where I climbed up to his window like I always do.

"Ellie!" he snapped at me when he let me in. "What did I tell you about climbing up that thing?"

"It could hurt me and/or the baby so I shouldn't do it anymore," I said, mocking him.

"So you climbed it because…"

"I don't know! I did it out of habit. I've got more important things to talk to you about. Like our child…" I patted my stomach and sighed.

"You're not thinking of…getting rid of it…are you?" he asked me, a little panicked to say the least.

"Of course not!" I hissed at him. "Why would you think that?" I almost started to cry, but began snapping the rubber band instead.

"Stop that El! It's disgusting and weird," he told me. I rolled my eyes. If he knew what else I do to myself, he'd be a little more disgusted with me.

"Listen Marco, I have to get out of my house," I told him. "I can't tell my mom about all of this."

"I know how she is, but maybe you should give her a chance. She might take it better than you think," he tried to reason with me.

"Yeah right. And then you'd be at my house picking up the pieces of my body," I joked.

"Don't even joke about that stuff. It's not funny," he said angrily.

"Sorry, I just do that when I'm nervous. But anyway, I have no idea what I'm gonna do," I told him once again.

"Marco! Time for dinner!" Mrs. Del Rossi yelled from the bottom of the stairs.

"I'll be down in a minute!" he yelled to his mom. Then he turned back to me. "We gotta get you out of here."

"I'll just climb down," I said. "One last time," I added when he gave me 'the look.'

"Fine, but promise me that you'll knock on the front door next time."

"I promise. I love you Marco," I said as I swung a foot out over the window sill.

"I love you too Ellie," he said to me with a sympathetic look on his face. "Call my cell whenever you get home, we'll have to talk about all of this."

"I will bye." I disappeared out the window and out of his view. I decided where I could go to talk to an adult, but I felt weird about it. I knew this girl at DCS but we weren't really friends. But I also knew that her mom could possibly help me out.

Ten minutes later, I found myself knocking on Emma Nelson's door. She's the one that opened it and stared at me in surprise.

"Ellie…what are you doing here?" she asked me.

"I sort of need to talk to your mom…" I trailed off, letting my eyes shift around. She could tell I was upset. She led me into the kitchen where her mom was sitting at the table, reading a book.

"Mom, this is Ellie. She wants to talk to you I guess," Emma said and left me alone with her mother.

"Hello Ellie. I haven't heard very much about you." She said and motioned for me to sit down. _That's probably because your daughter thinks I'm some kind of freak,_ I thought to myself.

"I'm new this year," I told her. Then an awkward silence fell over the room. I didn't know how to start or even what to ask her. She started for me.

"What is it that you need to talk about?" she asked me. I stared at my feet and moved my hand to snap the rubber band again. But I remembered where I was and stopped myself.

"Well…" I started to say. "I heard that you, uh, had Emma at a young age, and I was hoping maybe you could help me out but I think that I shouldn't have come here, my mom's probably worried, I should go," I said, all in one sentence. I stood up to go, but Mrs. Nelson put her hand on my arm. I sat back down.

"Ellie, are you pregnant?" she asked me. Before I could answer, Mr. Simpson walked into the room. I had almost forgotten that they were married. Oh great, the last thing I need is a teacher knowing all about this.

"Hello Ellie," he said happily. Good, he hadn't heard what his wife just said. "What brings you here?" he asked me.

"She just wanted to talk to me," Mrs. Nelson…or Simpson…whatever, told him. I was so thankful that she didn't blurt my secret out.

"To answer your question, yes," I told her. "But I should get going now, really." Before anyone could stop me, I bolted out of the house, praying that Emma's mom wouldn't go blabbing to her husband and daughter. I arrived at my house around nine, surprising myself that I would go home so early. My mother was still in the same spot I had left her in, which comforted me.

I ran into my room and flopped on the bed, dialing Marco's cell phone number like I promised.

"You would not believe what I just did. Don't be mad," I told him as soon as he answered.


	3. Secrets

**Chapter Three: Secrets **

After telling Marco all about my talk with Emma's mom, he got all concerned about the baby. I mean, he was already concerned, but something must have popped into his head because all of a sudden he asked,

"Have you been to the doctor?"

"Uh…no…why?" I asked him.

"El!" he practically screamed in my ear. "You have to go to the doctor and see if the baby is okay!"

"Fine, I'll do it soon," I promised him. "But it has to be a doctor that doesn't know my mom."

"I know just the one. I'll make you an appointment for tomorrow after school."

"Tomorrow? After school?" I asked in disbelief. "Isn't that a little early?"

"Of course not! You have to get prenatal help right away," he said as if he thought I was a complete idiot.

"Well, you know I can't go right after school or else I'll have to make up an excuse for my mom," I told him.

"Just tell her you're coming over my house," he said, shrugging, as if I could see him.

"That won't work. She knows I don't go to your house until after dinner," I said.

"Fine, I'll make the appointment for after six, that way you're mom will probably be…sleeping…by then."

"You mean passed out?" I asked.

"Yeah, whatever. Listen, I gotta go now because I haven't even started any homework. I'll see you in school tomorrow and let you know the exact time of that appointment. I love you so much Ellie," he said.

"Thanks a bunch Marco. I love you too," I made a kissing sound into the phone and he did too, a ritual we had before hanging up. I flopped backwards into my pillow and fell fast asleep.

* * *

School the next day was a blur. I found myself unable to concentrate on anything. The look on my face must have been pretty scary because no one bothered me at all. The only part of my day that stood out was when Emma approached me at my locker.

"Hey Ellie. My mom asked me to give this to you," she said, handing a sealed envelope to me. There was a letter inside.

"Did she say what it's about?" I asked her suspiciously.

"Nope. She just said that you left so quickly, she couldn't tell you something. I don't know. I'm just supposed to give it to you."

"Are you sure you don't know what's in here?" I asked, accusatory.

"No Ellie. I don't. I'm going to lunch now okay? Bye," Emma said slowly, as if I couldn't understand her. I rolled my eyes and walked to lunch, sitting at a table with Marco. Jimmy and Spinner were there, as usual. And along with Jimmy and Spinner come Hazel and Paige. Then of course, Craig and Ashley.

"Hey there vampire," Ashley said to me and smirked. I swear, that girl is crazy. She blames me that we're not friends, which means she blames me that she's more of an obsessed freak than I am.

"What's up bitch?" I asked her and smiled. Marco leaned in towards me.

"Okay, cool it," he whispered in my ear. I looked at Ashley and let out a tiny snicker as if he was talking about her. She rolled her eyes and stomped away from the table, but for once in his life, Craig didn't follow. When she turned around and glared at him, he shrugged and stayed put. Once she was out of earshot, he began talking to me and Marco.

"I can't stand her anymore!" he said. "She gets on my nerves so much."

"Why do you think I didn't want to be friends with her?" I asked Craig. "That's exactly why."

"Besides, I got my eye on someone else," he said and began staring at someone behind me. I turned around. "Manny Santos?" I whispered.

"Exactly," he said, smiling. "I'm thinking of asking her out."

"She is pretty," I said to him.

"More like gorgeous. But then again, most people are compared to Ashley. Even you Ellie," he said to me.

"Is that supposed to be a compliment?" I asked him.

"Yes it is," Craig said.

"Gee thanks, I feel so special," I said and smiled. It was actually a genuine smile. I hadn't smiled like that at one single person besides Marco in the past couple of years. Must have been the hormones.

"Oh Ellie, by the way, it's at seven thirty," Marco said. At first I didn't understand, but then I remembered.

"Oh okay, thanks. I guess I'll see you then," I said and stood up from the table to throw my trash out. Then a feeling came over me. "Gotta go, bye Marco, bye Craig." I dashed to the washroom and made it into a stall just in time to puke my entire lunch up. After wiping my mouth off with some toilet paper and flushing it, I went to the sink and looked in the mirror.

"Looking a little pale there Nash," a voice said from behind me. A male voice. I turned around, surprised.

"Jay? What are you doing in here?" I asked him. I looked around and there were no urinals. I was in the right room, he wasn't.

"Oh nothing much. Look out there for me and see if anyone's coming." I looked for him, although I wasn't sure why.

"All clear."

"Thanks." He bolted out of the washroom just in time, because a few seconds later, Mr. Radditch turned the corner. I ducked back into the washroom, and then realized why Jay had been in there. Emma was peeking out of a stall but quickly shut the door.

"I already saw you Emma, you can come out," I told her. She did come out and was blushing, embarrassed that I had seen her. Her hair was all messed up, and when she looked in the mirror, she started to fix it.

"Were you guys…" I didn't finish the question. She knew what I was getting at.

"No!" she said defensively. "We were only kissing…"

"You and Jay? I'm surprised. Why keep it a secret?" I asked.

"Oh, the usual. His friends wouldn't approve, my friends wouldn't approve."

"I say if you like him, let everyone know. Who cares if they like it or not. As long as you're happy, and they're real friends, they'll support you. It's your life, not theirs."

"Thanks Ellie, I'll keep that in mind," Emma said. "I know Sean would be mad though."

"Why?" I asked. I had seen this Sean kid around. He mostly hung out with Jay and Alex; they skipped class, stole things, got in trouble all the time. Oh how I longed to be in that group.

"Well, I broke up with him for Jay, but he doesn't know that yet. Jay's his best friend. Like a brother to him, as he says."

"Wait, I thought Jay and Alex were together," I said, confused.

"She just broke up with him yesterday. No one knows why, least of all him. It might have something to do with sex, it might not…" she trailed off.

"Have you had sex with him?" I asked.

"No. I told him I wasn't ready, and he was fine with that. Although, we're planning on it in the near future." I raised my eyebrow at her, but she didn't notice. "Hey, I heard you throwing up before. Are you okay?" she asked me.

"I'm fine. Just bad cafeteria food. You know how it is," I lied.

"Yeah, it can be really disgusting. Well, it was nice talking to you Ellie but I better get to class. See ya later maybe?" she asked.

"Maybe," I shrugged. She left the washroom and all of a sudden, I felt the bile rising in my throat. I jumped back into a stall and finished emptying my stomach. After that, I splashed some cold water on my face and left, finally heading over to class.

When I was sitting in Media Immersions, I realized that I still hadn't read the note from Emma's mom. I took it out of my pocket and unfolded it.

_Ellie,_

_You left so soon that we didn't finish talking. Don't worry, I didn't tell Emma or Mr. Simpson anything. I was just thinking that if you still needed to talk, you can come over tomorrow night. Emma's babysitting, and Mr. Simpson will be staying at the school until late. You don't have to come if you don't want to, I just want to help you in any way I can._

_Spike_

Yeah, she really did sign it Spike. I decided that I probably would go over. But first I had to prepare for my wonderful doctor's appointment. At least I had Marco to help me.

* * *

I was sitting in the waiting room of the doctor's office, bouncing one of my legs up and down. Marco was next to me, holding my hand.

"It's going to be okay El. Stop worrying so much," he whispered in my ear. I couldn't believe he was being so calm. I'm supposed to be the calm one.

"Eleanor," the nurse called. I stood up and Marco was right behind me. We followed the woman down the hallway and into a room. About a minute after she left, a different woman came in.

"Hello Eleanor, I'm Dr. Rachel Wesley," she extended her hand and I shook it.

"You can call me Ellie," I told her. I was shifting from one foot to the other.

"So Marco tells me that you're pregnant," she said.

"Yeah, I am."

"About how far along are you?" she asked me.

"Two weeks and three days."

"And did you use a home pregnancy kit?" she asked.

"No, I went to Planned Parenthood." I told her that I wasn't going to have an abortion or anything like that. Then I told her the date of conception, and she told me to lie down on the bed. She put some of that cold gel stuff on my stomach and did an ultrasound. When she finished, she spoke up.

"Well, everything looks fine right now. I want you to schedule an appointment for once a month. You can see the receptionist for that. I'll see you next month, but call me if you have any questions at all."

"Thanks for everything," I said. Marco and I said goodbye, then made all of our appointments at once with the receptionist. He held my hand all the way to the car and gave it a little squeeze before letting go to open the door. I loved it when he did that. Since his birthday was early in the year, he was already sixteen and had his license. We drove back to my house in a comfortable silence.

**A/N: There probably isn't a Planned Parenthood in Canada, but there are plenty of them in the US. **


	4. Tragedy Strikes

**Chapter Four: Tragedy Strikes**

As we turned onto my street, I noticed the flashing lights. I didn't pay attention though, because there were always police cars at our neighbor's house. When I heard Marco gasp, I actually looked up, and what I saw shocked me.

Half of my house was gone, and it was still bright with flames. I jumped out of the car and, thinking of only my mom, I ran towards the house, as if I was going to save her. I felt Marco grab onto me and hold me back.

"Come on," he whispered in my ear. "Stay where it's safe." He led me backwards over to the car and held me in his arms. I cried as he watched the firemen finally extinguish the fire and run in for my mom. The fire had been so out of control when they arrived that no one was allowed inside.

"Please let her be alright," I whispered to Marco. He pulled me closer to him and I buried my head in his chest. I anxiously watched the front door, waiting for her mom to walk out, coughing, but okay. My hopes were shattered when the men rolled a stretcher out, with the body covered by a sheet. "No!" I screamed, ripping myself away from Marco. I ran to my mother's body, but instantly fell back, tormented by the smell of burnt flesh. I threw up all over the lawn and took the hand that offered to help me up.

Marco held me close as I cried for hours. My mother was taken away and I never even looked at her. I didn't wantthat to be the last time I saw her, and have that be the way I remember her. After I don't even know how long, I dragged Marco into my now destroyed home.

What I saw amazed me. The only room left untouched was my bedroom. The walls were burnt down around it, and chunks of the ceiling/roof were all over the floor. But my bed, and all of my belongings, including my clothes, were all there.

As I surveyed the damage done to the rest of the house, I nervously snapped the rubber band on my wrist. It was a stupid habit, I knew that, but I couldn't help it. I had grown accustomed to the stinging sensation I got from it. My tears never stopped the entire time, but I pretended that I was fine. After about an hour or so of just looking at the house and crying, Marco helped me pack up everything I owned.

I didn't have much except for pictures of my family which consisted of my mom, my dad, and me, and other pictures of me and Marco together. Of course I also had clothes and CDs, but not very many of either. I always made do with what I had; mixing and matching different pieces of clothing so I appeared to have millions of outfits.

After a long phone call with Marco's parents, they decided to let me stay at their house, but only until Sunday night, which gave me just three days to find somewhere permanent to live. My dad was still away at war, so I couldn't live with him, and I most certainly could not live by myself. I had no relatives that lived in Canada, and I wasn't going to leave the country, so that was out of the question as well. _That might just work out,_ I thought to myself when I remembered that I was going to talk to Spike the next day after school. _Maybe I could live with her._ Of course, all of this wondering where I would live did not push the fact out of my mind that my mother had just died. It simply allowed me to stop thinking about it for awhile. Marco's parents drove over to my house, we piled all of my stuff into his car and theirs, and then I drove back to Marco's house with him. I knew the next few days would be fun but awkward at the same time.

* * *

I am so lucky to have a friend like Marco. He offered to let me sleep in his bed and he slept on the couch. I wanted him to sleep in there with me, but of course, his parents didn't know he was gay, so sleeping with a girl before marriage was out of the question. 

At breakfast, Marco's dad was reading the newspaper and I noticed that a picture of what used to be my house was on the front page. When I went to school, practically everyone pointed and whispered about me as I walked by them. The only people who actually told me that they were sorry about my mom were Emma, Jay, and Craig. They were the only people, besides Marco of course, that didn't mind being seen speaking to me in public.

After school, I silently walked to Emma's house. I didn't tell Marco where I was going because he was against me telling people that I was pregnant. We'd both tell a few people, but he said he wasn't ready for his parents to know. I didn't blame him at all because I wasn't going to tell my mom and now I didn't have to. My heart sank as I thought about this. At this point I realized that I was already at Emma's house and I knocked on the door. Spike opened it and ushered me in. We sat at the kitchen table once again and she placed a cup of tea in front of me.

"I'm very sorry about your mom," she said, finally breaking the silence. I gave her a weak smile. "Is your dad coming home for the visitation?" she asked me. Right then and there I realized that I had not even called my dad.

"I forgot to call him!" I blurted out and began to cry. "He probably can't come anyway. He never comes home." I snapped my rubber band once, but luckily, Spike didn't even notice.

"I'm sorry Ellie. I didn't mean to upset you. Do you want to talk about the baby?" she asked me.

"Yeah, I do," I told her. "I'm not sure what I'm going to do about all of this," I said, sighing and wiping the tears from my eyes.

"I know how hard it is," she said. "Do you know if you are going to keep it, or something else?" she asked. I knew she didn't want to talk about abortion. "And does the father know?"

"I'm not going to kill it, if that's what you're asking." I suddenly fell silent but then decided to keep talking. "And yes, the father knows, but…" I trailed off. I couldn't tell her that Marco was the father, and especially that he was gay. I was the only person who knew his secret. "He's going to help me, but we're not going to tell his parents," I said, skirting around the issue.

"Ellie, do you have any place to live?" Spike asked suddenly.

"Well…" This was my chance to ask her. "Being my best friend, Marco asked his parents if I could say with them for awhile, but they're only letting me stay until Sunday night," I explained. "I was sort of wondering if I could live with you, since you know all about having a baby young and everything," I blurted out, looking at the floor.

"Oh Ellie…" Spike whispered. "I'm sorry, but…" I didn't let her finish the sentence.

"No, I'm sorry. It was stupid of me to just think that you'd let me move in here. I don't even believe that I actually asked you. I'm such an idiot," I said, getting up to leave.

"Don't leave. No, I can't have you live here, but the only reason is that I'm pregnant too. Snake and I are having our first baby together, and there just wouldn't be anywhere for you to sleep. If I had another room, I would let you stay. I just don't think I'd be able to deal with two teenagers and two babies at the same time," she explained.

"Oh. Well, it's nice to know that you would have let me stay if there was room. I just almost feel like no one wants me. Like maybe my mom's gone so she wouldn't have to be near me, and my dad just never comes home. The only person in the world who sees me is Marco." Why was I talking to her like she was a therapist or something?

"Ellie don't say that. What happened to your mom was an accident, and I know she loved you very much. She still loves you; she's just looking after you from somewhere else."

"Thanks for talking with me, but I should go now. I really have to try and find a place to live. I don't have very long," I said. Spike stood up with me and gave me a hug. I felt like I did when I used to hug my mother. Tears stung my eyes.

"Just know that I will be here to help you in anyway that I can. You're welcome over for dinner whenever you want. Just call me if you have any questions," Spike told me.

"I will." I turned to leave but walked straight into Emma.

"Hey Ellie, what are you doing here?" she asked me, rubbing her head.

"Sorry about that. I was just leaving though." I went to move past her but she moved too, blocking my way.

"Actually, I'm glad that you're here. I wanted to talk to you about something," she said to me.

"Um, okay…" I gave Spike a weird look and she shrugged her shoulders and then smiled.

"Do you want to go up to my room so we can have privacy?" she asked me.

"Sure." I followed Emma upstairs. We went into her room and she had me sit on her bed. Her room was so much different than mine. The bed was made, the room was clean, and there were posters of animals and environmental issues plastered all over the walls. I stopped looking around the room when I noticed that Emma was staring at me. Almost as if she was studying me. "What did you want to talk about?" I asked.

"Well…" as soon as she started to talk, she wouldn't look at me.

"Just tell me," I said. "It is okay to look at me when you talk to me. I'm not going to bite you or anything." Emma let out some nervous laughter and started talking again.

"I don't want you to feel like I'm spying on you or anything, but I was just wondering something. The other day when I heard you throwing up in the bathroom, you weren't sick were you? I mean, you were throwing up, you've been coming over to talk to my mom…Ellie, are you pregnant?" she asked me. My mouth fell open and my hands instantly flew to my stomach. Was it that easy to tell? Now she had me wondering how many people had figured it out already.

"Yeah…I am." I sighed. It was almost good getting it out. Even though Emma wasn't my friend since I don't really know her that well, I felt comfortable telling her. I knew Marco would be mad, but I was almost starting not to care. He did leave me for guys.

"I was also wondering where you were going to live now that…" she didn't finish the sentence. I knew she didn't want to bring up the fact that my mom had died. "I just…haven't ever seen your dad…"

"My dad's in the army," I told her. "He's never around and so I can't live with him."

"I'm sorry," she said.

"Don't be. I feel stupid though because I just asked your mom if I could live here. But, she said no because she's having a baby too and there's no room," I explained. I really couldn't believe that I was telling her all of this.

"Tell me about it. I have to move my room down to the basement for the baby. Anyways, I was thinking…"

"Should I be scared by what you're going to say?" I asked.

"Well, I have this idea. You know my friend Sean?" she asked me. "My ex-boyfriend, I should say."

"Yeah, what about him?" I asked, interested. How was this going to help me?

"Well, he lives by himself in an apartment. There are two bedrooms and…" she trailed off.

"You think I should move in with him?" I asked skeptically. "But I barely even know him," I pointed out. "Actually, I've never even talked to him."

"Which is why I think I should talk to him about it, and then you can talk with him. I know he's really lonely since his brother, Tracker, moved out. I really think he'd like the company."

"I'm not so sure about this…" I started to say.

"Well, where else do you have to live? Unless you stay at Marco's."

"I can't live there; his parents won't let me."

"Which is why you should really consider this," Emma said.

"I guess I'll think about it," I told her.

"That's great," she said. Then she stood up and hugged me. She actually hugged me. I stood up to go and Emma walked me to the door. "Call me later and let me know what you decide," she said, waving as I left.

I silently walked back to Marco's house, all of the recent events buzzing through my head. _I think I just made a friend,_ I thought to myself. I smiled, but then the smile disappeared as I realized something. I still had to call my father.

**A/N: I know that in this point on the show, Ellie would have been in 9th grade, but I'm going to have it so that Ellie's in 10th and Sean's in 9th because they are in different grades on the show. I also know that Tracker was still living with Sean at this time, but I changed it because it's my story! **


	5. Rapid Hope Loss

**Chapter Five: Rapid Hope Loss**

After talking to my dad for three hours, I was a mess. My face was bright red and my eyes looked horrible from all of my crying. And he wasn't coming home. Of course not. My mother had just died, his wife, and he couldn't make it back. I couldn't really blame him I guess. He was fighting in a war. I guess I should be lucky that I got to talk to him at all. There was a soft knock on the door, and I immediately sprung up off the bed, straight to the mirror. I wiped my eyes a little, then opened it.

"Is it safe to come in?" Marco asked me.

"Yeah, I'm done talking to him," I said, stepping aside so that Marco could come into his own room. I flopped back onto the bed and lay down. He lay next to me and held onto my hand. I stared at the ceiling, trying so hard not to look at him. I placed my free hand onto my stomach and began to think about the baby.

How would I take care of it at such a young age? And wouldn't Marco have to tell his parents sooner or later? He'd have to help take care of the baby too. But then again, maybe this was the one thing I needed to get Marco back. Maybe if he saw me with his baby, then he'd want to be with me.

Wow, who was I kidding? A baby wouldn't change Marco's sexuality. I could still hope though, couldn't I?

When Marco squeezed my hand, all of my thoughts disappeared. Forgetting that I didn't want to look at him, I turned my head to the side and found him looking at me. It took all that I had in me to not lean over and kiss him. A tear fell from my eye but he didn't even notice.

"Tomorrow's the visitation," I told him, unable to think of anything else to say.

"I'll definitely be there." I was so lucky to have Marco, even if I couldn't be with him the way I wanted.

"He's not coming."

"I'm so sorry El," Marco said and pulled me into a hug. I hugged him back and didn't want to let go. I smelled his shirt and laid my cheek onto his shoulder.

"I might move in with Sean," I blurted out. Smooth move Ellie. What an idiot. I mentally smacked myself. Marco instantly pulled away and looked into my eyes.

"What?" he said, raising an eyebrow. "You are _not _moving in with him! I don't want my baby near that, that…thug."

"I don't have anywhere else to go!" I protested. It's not like he was my father. Marco couldn't tell me what to do! Of course, his opinion mattered, and I would never do anything that would make him hate me.

"I just don't want you to have to raise a baby in that kind of setting. He drinks and steals, and who knows what else!" he yelled at me. As if it was my fault that Sean did those things.

"And the baby growing up with an alcoholic who would probably hit it would have been any better?" Tears spilled out of my eyes. "But you don't have to worry about that because she's dead now!" I rolled over and left Marco staring at my back.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "If you want to move in with him then you can." He pulled himself closer to me, his body pressing into my back, and put an arm over me, pulling me even closer to him. "I love you El. I just want what's best for you and our baby," he said into my ear.

"It's not that I _want _to move in with him. I just have no other choice," I reasoned with him. "I love you too, and I know you're looking out for me." I relaxed in Marco's arms and fell asleep.

* * *

The sun warmed my face and woke me up. I squinted my eyes and then rubbed them. Then I remembered that I wasn't alone.

"Marco?" I whispered. "Marco!" I said it louder the second time. "Wake up!"

"Wh…what?" he asked sleepily.

"We fell asleep here last night. You're parents will kill us both if they see us like this!" Marco jumped out of bed.

"Sorry Ellie! I didn't even realize that I was tired. I guess it felt so good to be with you," he said. I knew exactly what he meant. I wished that we could do that every night, but it would never happen.

"It's okay," I said. "What are you doing?" I asked him as he pulled his pants off.

"My parents were asleep when I came up here last night, so they don't necessarily know that I slept here. I'm going to change my clothes. I don't care if you watch. It's nothing you haven't seen. Besides, I'm gay."

_Gay. _The word stuck in my mind. Why did he have to keep reminding me?

"I'm going to go out the window and go for a run. That way, they'll think I was just out before they woke up. I have to actually run, or they'll suspect something if I don't come home all sweaty."

Of course now I had to envision Marco all hot and sweaty. Like that night we had sex. Why couldn't I keep my mind off of him and that night? Why couldn't I put it all behind me? I know why; because I love him. I'll always love him and he'll always love me, but not in the way that I need to be loved. I watched as he climbed out the window and I shut it behind him. Then I made my way to the bathroom to shower.

Fifteen minutes later, I emerged from the steaming room with a towel wrapped tightly around me. I went back to Marco's room and put on my only dress. Today was the day. My own mother's visitation. I never thought I'd be going to it when I was only fifteen.

* * *

I stood next to Marco and his parents, completely nervous. I wasn't crying; yet. I was worried that no one would come. _Why would they?_ I asked myself. _No one liked her. Except for me and dad, of course. _Thinking of my dad just made me upset again. I wished so bad that he was there.

I walked over to my mother's coffin. It was closed tightly with a framed picture of her sitting on top of it. The picture was one that my dad had taken, before he left, when we were all happy. It seemed so long ago that I couldn't even remember. There was also a bunch of flowers next to the photo. I picked the flowers on my way there because I didn't have any money to buy nice ones for her.

I looked at the door and was surprised to see people coming in. People were actually coming to the visitation. Of course, none of them probably knew my mother. I'm sure they all knew who she was, but they never got to know her. It was still comforting that some people cared enough to show up.

Not many people came at all, but here's the final list: Me, Marco, his parents, Emma, Spike, Mr. Simpson, Jay, Craig, Joey, and Sean. Yeah, Sean showed up too. I wasn't really sure why. Emma must have asked him to or something. Ten people (besides me) were a lot more than I even thought would show up. I was surprised and happy at the same time. Maybe more people cared than they let on.

Everyone came up to me and said basically the same thing. They were sorry that it happened, and wanted me to call them if they could help me out in any way. They all stayed for about two hours. I told a few stories about my mom, good ones of course. Then it was all over. This was the last time I'd see my mother ever again. Not that I was really seeing her at all.

When the visitation was over, I stayed for a few minutes, talking to my mom inside her coffin. I finally left and slowly walked outside. I bumped right into someone as I ran around the corner of the building.

"Sorry!" I yelped, keeping my head down. I started to walk away, when whoever it was grabbed my arm to hold me back.

"Actually, I wanted to talk to you," he said. I looked up and it was Sean.

"Um…about what?" I asked, a little confused. We had never spoken before.

"I just wanted to tell you that I know how you feel." He shoved his hand in his pockets. "Well, not exactly, because neither one of my parents is dead…I just know what it's like to lose a parent. I lost both of them when they sent me away…" he trailed off. It was kind of a sweet attempt, but wasn't really making me feel any better.

"Thanks," I said genuinely. "It helps to know that people care, you know?"

"Yeah, I do. Listen…I also heard that you were looking for a place to live…" he said a little tentatively.

"My dad's in the army, so he's not coming home any time soon. And Marco's parents aren't letting me stay with him," I said, knowing full well that I hadn't really given him an answer.

"I was just wondering if you wanted to come and see my place. I know that we don't really know each other that well, but if you have nowhere else to go, even if it's only for a little while, I'd be glad to have some company. And I have an extra bedroom; it's not like I'm just looking for someone to…" he was rambling and he knew it. He stopped suddenly, but I thought it was cute.

"I'd love to check it out. How does now sound?" I asked, smiling for the first time that day.

"That sounds great."


	6. New, Yet Unimproved

**Chapter Six: New, Yet Unimproved **

**A/N: To ilovedc: I made Ellie's mom die because I had certain plans about where I wanted Ellie to end up, and how I wanted her to meet certain people. It just helps tie everything together, including the title of the story. I also never liked her on the show and didn't want to have to deal with her as a character in my story. **

"This is it," Sean said as I followed him into his apartment. It really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. When I didn't say anything, Sean spoke again. "Thought it wouldn't be this clean huh?" he asked me.

"Actually, no I didn't. I thought there would be soda cans and pizza boxes everywhere," I said truthfully.

"Well, here's one of my secrets: I can't stand my home being dirty or messy. Whenever Jay comes over, I just let him mess it up as much as he wants, but I always clean it as soon as he leaves. It's just how I am," he shrugged.

"I spent so much time cleaning up after my mom that I just never left anything dirty. I always had to make the house presentable enough for her, even if no one ever came over," I sighed and sat down on the arm of the chair next to me.

"So…do you think you could see yourself living here?" Sean asked me. I wasn't sure of what I was going to say. I didn't have anywhere else to go. I also didn't know him very well at all. I chose the former rather than the latter.

"I don't have anywhere else to go," I answered him.

"I'll show you around then. You're already sitting in the living room. That's the kitchen right there," he said, pointing over to the left. The kitchen was a suitable size. "And if you'll follow me, I'll show you the rest." I stood up and followed him. We went down a small hallway. "That's my bedroom," he said, pointing to a closed door on the right side. "And there's yours." My new bedroom was across the hall from Sean's. It was a little bit smaller than my room at home, but not by much. The room was completely bare. He spoke again, tearing me away from my thoughts. "That's the bathroom." It was next to his bedroom. "And that tiny room in there has a washer and dryer in it."

"It looks like a pretty nice place. I hope this doesn't offend you, but I'm surprised by how nice it actually is. Where do you get the money to pay for it all?" I asked, hoping the question didn't make him mad.

"I have my student welfare, but that mainly pays for food, clothes, and bills. I fix cars for rent money." _And also sell stolen goods with Jay,_ he added, but kept that last part to himself.

"Do you want to go get my stuff with me? Most of it is at Marco's in his room, and my bed, dresser, and bookcase are in the basement. I don't know how we'll get that here…" I trailed off.

"I'll call up Mr. Armstrong. He has a big truck, and will probably be able to fit the stuff in it, as long as he brings it one at a time. I fixed the truck for him for free once, so he owes me," he explained.

"That would be great," I said. "I'll call Marco and let him know that we're coming for my stuff." I went into my new bedroom and closed the door. I sat down, my legs crossed, and dialed Marco's number from my cell phone. A few minutes later, I emerged from my room to find Sean waiting by the door. "It's just a short walk over to Marco's, and then he'll drive us back with all of my clothes and stuff."

"Mr. Armstrong will meet us there," he told me. "Let's go."

* * *

"Ellie, don't forget that I'm really close by and I'll always be here for you. If you need to talk or just can't sleep, I'm a phone call away. I'll rush right over if you need me," Marco said. We were standing in the middle of the sidewalk. All of my things were packed into his car. Sean was in the back seat, looking very cramped and uncomfortable. Mr. Armstrong had already taken my bed and dresser over to Sean's apartment, and was now leaving Marco's house with the bookshelf in the back of his truck. 

"I'll be fine Marco, I promise," I told him. He put his hand onto my stomach and rubbed it.

"Make sure you eat right and still exercise…"

"Marco, I told you that I'll be fine. You can come over whenever you want; I already talked it over with Sean. I'll still see you everyday at school too." I smiled at how thoughtful he was being. I realized his hand was still resting on my stomach, and I shoved it away when I saw his mom coming through the front door.

"Mrs. Del Rossi: thank you so much for letting me stay," I said, reaching out to shake her hand. Instead, she kissed me on the cheek and pulled me towards her, hugging me.

"Ellie, you know you're welcome to eat dinner over whenever you want. You're like a daughter to us," she told me.

_A daughter who is pregnant with your son's baby. _I shivered at that thought. That would mean it was incest or something. It was true though, I was always over Marco's house, especially when my mom used to get drunk.

"Thank you. I'll make sure to take you up on that offer." We both laughed and Marco's mom waved to Sean inside the car. He waved back to her and she turned back to me.

"Goodbye dear," she said and turned to walk into the house.

"Bye!" I called after her. Marco walked around the car and opened the door for me before getting in on the driver's side. We made our way to my new home.

* * *

Everyone had left a few hours ago. I was sitting on my bed, staring at the way Mr. Armstrong had arranged my room. I didn't like it very much. I jumped off of the bed and began moving around furniture to make it more like my old room. 

"You want some help?" Sean asked from the doorway. I nearly jumped five feet; he scared me so much. "Sorry," he said, realizing that he had startled me.

"Sure, why not," I answered him. Sean helped me move my bed to a different wall, put my dresser across the room from the bed, and place my bookshelf to the right of the bed. The door was to the left. "I think I've got it from here," I said. "Thanks."

"No problem," Sean said, and left to watch some television. I looked around at the room. It was a little better. At least the set up was. I looked down at the plain wood floor and then around at the bare white walls that surrounded me.

After three hours, I had all of my clothes in the closet, all the books on the shelves, and all of my CD's arranged on either side of my small stereo. There were posters and photos all over the walls. Most of the posters were people from my favorite bands and my favorite movie posters. The walls were covered. Right above the head of my bed, I had arranged a collage of photos.

Almost all of them were of Marco, or Marco and I together. There were a few from when I was a baby and then a little girl and my favorite picture was right in the center. It was taken five years ago, before we moved to Toronto and before my dad went to war. It was a photo of my parents and me, with me in the middle of them. We looked like the happiest people in the world. I knew who had taken the photo, but I didn't even want to think about it. I stuck up the last picture. It was a Polaroid of Sean, Marco, and I standing in this very room, right after we had arrived in Marco's car.

The books on my shelves were mostly by Amelia Atwater-Rhodes, who writes mainly about vampires. I also had the Cirque Du Freak series, which was also about vampires. My other books were all about fairies or some sort of magic. I love to read, but I never shared that with anyone besides Marco. I don't know why; I just never did. On the top of the bookshelf were a few framed photos of the person that I missed more than anyone. He was the reason we moved, and the reason why my dad eventually decided to go into the army again. I wiped a stray tear from my cheek and willed myself not to think about him. At least, not right now. I looked around the room and was finally satisfied.

Walking into the living room, I noticed that Sean was fast asleep on the couch. I instinctively began to cover him up with a blanket before remembering that he wasn't my mother. But I accidentally woke him up.

"You should go to bed," I suggested. Without saying anything, he nodded, stretched, and walked away into his room, shutting the door behind him. I was going to watch TV with him, but since he was going to bed, I figured that I should too. I brushed my teeth, went back to my room, stripped down to my underwear (I'm used to sleeping that way), and got under the blankets.

It felt good to be back in my own bed, but I wasn't in my real bedroom. I couldn't sleep. I lied awake for hours, rolling over and trying to get some sleep. It wasn't working. So I did what I normally would. I called Marco.

"Hello?" Marco answered on the third ring.

"I didn't wake you up did I?" I asked, concerned.

"Nope. I was just finishing my homework." I heard the familiar sound of Marco flopping onto his bed. We used to talk on the phone while lying in our beds, pretending that we were right next to each other. I guess the habit stuck, even after he told me that we couldn't be together. "What's wrong?" he asked, slicing through my thoughts.

"I can't sleep. I've just been lying here, thinking about my mom, but mostly thinking about him…" I trailed off.

"Thinking about Matt? Good or bad thoughts?" he asked me.

"Really bad," I answered hesitantly. "Well, more like sad."

"Ellie, what happened to him was not your fault. You have to understand that," he said firmly.

"But I should have…" Marco interrupted me before I could say any more.

"I don't want to hear it El. We've talked about this. You can't blame yourself. You should really get some sleep," he told me.

"Will you stay on the phone with me until I fall asleep?" I asked him sheepishly.

"I'll do anything for you." He fell silent and all I could hear was his breathing. I fell right asleep, knowing that Marco was so close by.

**A/N: Sorry if it seemed rushed that Ellie moved in with Sean right after seeing his place; I just needed to get it out of the way. Amelia Atwater-Rhodes is my favorite author…that's why I put her in there. The books that I read are the books I made Ellie read. I also don't know what kind of car Mr. Armstrong drives, but I needed someone to have a truck, and he popped into my head. **


	7. Falling Away

**Chapter Seven: Falling Away**

**A/N: ilovedc: Yeah, Emma didn't ever tell Sean, I just had it made that way. However, I changed it because I put something different in this chapter. I changed both parts (the one where it says that Emma told Sean, and the one where Sean tells her she shouldn't do that in her condition). Also, Matt is my own made up character…you will find out about him next chapter. (I'm not referring to Matt Oleander either).**

I woke up the next morning to Marco's heavy and rhythmic breathing. I smiled at the thought that although we are apart, we can still fall asleep together. I only wish that Marco could actually fall asleep in my bed with me. I was shaken from my thoughts by a knock on my door.

"Just a minute!" I yelled. My yelling woke Marco up of course.

"It's too early for yelling El," he said, laughing.

"Sorry. Someone's knocking on my door. I gotta go. I love you Marco," I said.

"I love you too babe. I'll see you at school. Bye," he said and hung up. He didn't even do the kiss thing that we usually do, which made me a little upset. I shook my head and pulled on a tank top from my dresser, and finally opened the door. Sean was leaning against the wall by his bedroom door. He held up a bag in one hand.

"I got breakfast," he said. I followed him to the tiny kitchen table that barely fit both of us. The breakfast he got was chocolate doughnut holes and coffee. He must have been talking to Marco, because it was my favorite breakfast. I took a sip of my coffee. Two creams and one sugar. Perfect.

"Someone's been asking my best friend for advice," I joked. No one ever knew that Marco was my boyfriend before. We always kept it secret. No one would ever know that we slept together or that this baby was his. Well, we still weren't sure how we could keep it a secret after it was born, but for now, everything would stay the same.

"I just asked him what you like to eat so that you wouldn't starve over here. But, don't get too happy, that's your last coffee," he said to me, all serious.

"Why?" I asked, confused.

"It's not good for the baby. You should know that," he said, pointing to my stomach. My mouth hung open and I stared at him.

"Who told you?" I asked harshly, looking away.

"Marco did. He said that he thought I should know, since you were going to be living here."

I'm going to kill Marco!

"What the hell? He's supposed to be my best friend!" I yelled a little too loudly.

"Chill out Ellie. I'm not going to tell anyone. Besides, he wouldn't tell me who the father was, so you don't have to worry about that. He said that you didn't want anyone to know, and I respect that," Sean explained.

"Sorry for flipping out. It's just that I don't want people to know all about this before I'm ready to tell them," I said, apologizing. It wasn't his fault that Marco told him anyway.

"That's okay. But you do realize that once you start showing, people are going to think the baby is mine right?"

"Why would people think that?" I eyed him suspiciously as I asked.

"Well, you are living here…" he didn't have to say anything else. I understood the point he was making.

Maybe this could work to my advantage. I _could _pretend the baby was his so that no one would suspect Marco. I smiled. But if Sean found out, he might not want me living here anymore, and then I'd be homeless. My smiled fell away. This was so frustrating.

"I'm gonna go shower and get dressed," I announced, taking the last sip of my coffee and throwing it into the trash. "Thanks for breakfast."

The entire time I was in the shower, I was nervous. I always hated taking showers over other people's houses, including Marco's. Even though there was a lock on the door, I was still paranoid that Sean would come flying in and see me naked through the shower curtain. I'm such a loser.

After twenty minutes of refreshing myself, I went to my room to get dressed. When I walked the short distance from the bathroom to my bedroom, I noticed Sean sitting on his bed, looking at a magazine. I closed my door behind me and picked out what I was going to wear. It was nothing special, just a black and red plaid skirt, a bright red, long-sleeved shirt, and a black fishnet shirt over that. I looked at myself in the mirror, and decided that I needed to add my fishnet tights and black boots. I added my bracelets and a few rings and was satisfied.

I'm not going to be able to wear this stuff for much longer. When I start getting fatter, I'll have to wear Sean's clothes or Marco's, or worse, maternity clothes. I'd rather die before I wore big stretchy pants and huge shirts. Ugh. This was really going to suck. I sat down at my little vanity and sighed. My mom had bought it for me when I was ten. It used to be pink, but I spray painted it black when I turned thirteen. I put on tons of eyeliner and gave my eyelids asmoky look. I finished with some lip gloss because I hated lipstick. It made my lips feel weird.

Sean surprised me when I opened my door. He was standing there like he was about to knock on it.

"You want to walk to school together?" he asked. My heart sank. I used to walk to school with Marco every day. Now he probably wouldn't want to walk out of his way to Sean's house to walk with us.

"Sure," I replied, shrugging my shoulders. I grabbed my black messenger bag that was decorated with various pins. We walked out of the apartment and Sean locked it behind him.

"Oh, that reminds me," he said, turning to me. "Here's the extra key, it's yours now." He dropped the key into my palm and I stuck it into my bag.

"Thanks," I said. We headed towards DCS, walking in a somewhat comfortable, but uncomfortable at the same time, silence.

* * *

When I got back to Sean's…um our apartment, the door was locked. I was grateful for the key he had given me. I rummaged through my bag for a minute before finding it and unlocking the door. I pushed it open and immediately closed it, standing there in the hallway.

This is great, I can't even go in. Sean and Alex were on the couch, Alex in just her bra and Sean completely naked. They didn't even have the decency to cover up with a blanket or something. They were too busy having sex that they didn't even notice that I opened the door and closed it again.

Screw that. I live here too now. I opened the door and walked right in. Neither of them looked up, they just continued with what they were doing. I fought back the sudden urge to puke all over them. I walked behind the couch, heading to my room.

"That's okay!" I yelled, startling them. "I _do _live here too!" I stomped to my room and turned around. They had stopped having sex and were just staring at me. I gave them a fake smile and walked into my room, slamming the door behind me.

* * *

My cell phone rang and I checked the caller ID. It was my dad. No way. I couldn't believe it.

"Dad?" I answered the phone.

"Oh Ellie sweetie," he said. He sounded really upset.

"What's wrong? Are you okay?" I said frantically.

"Yeah, everything's fine with me. I just spoke with the medical examiner that saw your mom," he said. I could tell he was crying.

"Just tell me dad."

"She…she killed herself. I'm so sorry. There was no smoke in her lungs, which means she was already dead when the fire reached her. She shot herself," he explained. I immediately burst into tears. I knew my mom was probably drunk, but I never thought that she would purposely kill herself.

"Where?" I asked him.

"What? What do you mean?" he asked, confused.

"Where did she shoot herself."

"In her head." I couldn't say anything.

"I gotta go dad." I slammed the phone shut, rolled up into a ball, and cried. My own mother committed suicide. Was her life so horrible? Was I so horrible? After Matt and then my dad leaving, I could see that she was depressed. Then she turned to alcohol and fell even more apart. Why didn't I see it? How could I have let this happen?

After ten minutes of crying and thinking, there was a knock on my door. Great. Now Sean feels bad that he didn't stop screwing Alex long enough to say hello. Or he doesn't feel bad and he just wants to yell at me for making a big scene. Whatever. I ignored him and he knocked again.

"Ellie, can we talk?" I didn't answer him. "I'm sorry!" he yelled through the door.

I rolled over so that I was facing the other wall, my back to the door.

"Fine! Come in if you have to!" I yelled. I heard the door open. I was still crying, and I couldn't stop.

"I'm really sorry," he said again. "To tell you the truth, I forgot that you lived here. I wasn't expecting you to pop in…" I felt the bed sag behind me as he sat down.

"It's fine, really. I just want to be left alone right now, okay?" I said.

I felt Sean stand up and I was relieved, thinking that he was going to leave. Instead, he walked around the side of my bed. I tried to roll the other way, but he saw my face before I did. My makeup was streaked all over my face and I was bright red.

"Ellie, I didn't realize that I upset you this much. I feel really guilty about all of this and I…"

"Sean, just stop. You're not the reason I'm crying. I wasn't that upset, just a little disgusted. I barely know you and I just saw you naked and fucking your best friend's ex-girlfriend," I complained, toughening up.

"Okay, my so-called best friend is the one that was screwing my ex-girlfriend," he said.

"Emma and Jay are in love. And you're just getting revenge."

"That's true, but revenge is sweet," he laughed as he said it.

"You're sick, you know that?" I said to him, disgusted.

"Yeah, well, maybe I like Alex and you people just don't see that," he snapped.

"Who is 'you people?' I asked. Now I was getting angry.

"Look, never mind. I just came to apologize. You looked horrible, and now I feel really bad. If I'm not the reason that you're crying, then what is it? I only want to help you, not fight with you," Sean said and got quiet.

"You mean Mr. Tough Guy actually cares?" I said sarcastically, wiping my tears.

"Yeah, he does." The room fell silent and neither one of us spoke. It was in this single moment that I realized I was becoming more comfortable just being around Sean. I felt like we understood each other. Maybe it was because of our parents pretty much abandoning us, or maybe I'm just delusional.

"My mom…she didn't die because of an accident," I started. I didn't quite know how to word it. "She killed herself okay? Now you know why I'm so upset. So drop it."

"Ellie I'm…"

"So sorry right? I've heard enough of that to last me a lifetime," I snapped at him.

"Well, what else did you want me to say? I wish that your mom was alive, and I wish that you weren't miserable. I want you to be happy because I can't stand seeing you upset like this. And if you being happy meant that you had to go live somewhere else, then I'd be up for it."

"That was perfect."

"What was?" Sean asked me, raising his eyebrow.

"What you just said. It was definitely better than sorry," I told him. "But how can you feel that if we just met yesterday?"

"I have no idea."


	8. In Memory

**Chapter Eight: In Memory **

Sean and I sat in silence for ten more minutes. I wasn't sure of what I was supposed to say. He had practically poured his heart out to me, saying that all he wanted was for me to be happy, like we had just broken up after dating for years. I was so confused.

"The room looks good," Sean finally said.

"Thanks." I felt him kneel up on the bed to look at the pictures on the wall.

"You and Marco are really close huh?" he asked. I sat up, wiped my eyes off, and knelt next to him.

"Yeah, we are. He's my best friend. Probably the only person who understands me at all," I told him. He got off my bed and walked around the room, looking at all the posters. He stopped at my bookshelf. Oh no. Not now. I just stopped crying.

"Who's that?" he asked, pointing to the photo on top of it. It was Matt. I didn't want to talk about this right now.

"He's…" I looked at the floor. I tried not to cry, I really did. But I couldn't help it. "That's Matt," I said, not really answering the question.

"And Matt would be…?" Sean trailed off. When I didn't answer, he spoke again. "Well, I don't recognize him from Degrassi at all."

"You wouldn't. His name is Matthias. He was…is my brother," I whispered. Sean turned to me and realized that I was crying.

"I'm sorry Ellie. I didn't mean to upset you." He came over to my bed and sat next to me, putting his arm around my waist. "You don't have to talk about him anymore if you don't want to."

"I might as well tell you. The only person who knows is Marco. Well, besides my parents." I couldn't' believe that I was about to tell Sean something this big. Something I had only talked about once since we moved here. I took a deep breath and began.

"Matthias was three years older than me. We used to live in Ottawa, which is on the border of Ontario and Quebec. Matt was my best friend. We didn't really live near anyone, so we only had each other. One night, we were trying to see how late we could stay up. It was almost three in the morning, when we heard a crash downstairs. We thought that it was probably a wild animal that got into the house because it had happened before. I wanted to wake my parents up, but my brother told me that he could handle it." I paused, unsure if I wanted to finish the story. I decided that I probably should. I hadn't even told Marco this much. I never went into detail when I told him about it.

"I grabbed one of Matt's baseball bats for protection. He laughed at me, saying that I was being a 'scaredy cat.' We crept down the stairs together, Matt in the lead. He refused to turn the lights on, because he didn't want to scare the animal. We walked through the kitchen and into the living room, and I screamed. There was a person in the living room, trying to take our TV. At the time, we didn't know if it was a man or woman, but we found out later that it was a man. When I screamed, I startled him, and he turned around, pulling a gun out of his pocket. Matt yelled at me to get down, but I was frozen on the spot. The man pointed his gun right at me, and Matt jumped in front of me." Tears streamed down my face as I paused for the second time.

"I screamed again and the man dropped the gun and jumped out of the window that he had come in. I yelled for my parents over and over until they finally woke up and ran downstairs. At that time, I had Matt's head in my lap and was telling him to stay alive. I told him that I couldn't live without him. His last words were 'I love you Ellie,' before he lost consciousness. My dad called 911 and my mom was hysterical. By the time the ambulance got there, he was gone. And it was all my fault." Sean put his arms around me and hugged me tightly. We stayed like that for five minutes until he spoke.

"It wasn't your fault," he whispered in my ear.

"Yes it was. If I hadn't screamed, the man would have never noticed us. If I had gotten down on the ground, Matthias wouldn't have had to jump in front of me. If I had ignored him and woken up my parents, they would have told us to stay upstairs. There are so many things I could have done to prevent it," I said, pulling away from him and turning my head towards the bookshelf. Sean held my head in his hands and turned my head back towards him, looking into my eyes.

"You had no way of knowing what was going to happen. Never say that again. It wasn't your fault," he repeated. "Did they ever catch the guy?" he asked.

"Yeah. They caught him a few miles away, hiding in some woods. It was so pointless. My brother died because some idiot wanted a TV," I said.

"At least you know that he died honorably. He saved your life Ellie. You were important to him," Sean told me.

"I was in therapy for two years, and I got a little better. My parents decided that they couldn't bear to stay in the house any longer. None of us could even pass by Matt's bedroom without bursting into tears. We couldn't even go in our living room without being haunted by memories of that night. So they decided that we should move, and we ended up here."

"Was it any better when you got here?" he asked.

"I think I was better off. But then my parents just got worse. My dad enlisted in the army to run away from the pain. I think he's a coward," I said harshly.

"Some people just have different ways of dealing with pain. I'm sure you would have loved to just run away from it all, but you stayed by your mom instead," Sean said.

"Well, my mom was so depressed about losing my brother. Then she felt like she was losing my dad when he left for the army. That's how she started drinking. It was her way of dealing with the pain I guess. And I started this," I said, and lifted up my shirt sleeves to reveal all of my scars. Sean gasped.

"You…" he trailed off. "You did this to yourself? Why?" he asked. I was surprised. No one had ever asked me why. The only people who knew about my cutting were Marco and my mother. But neither one of them asked that question.

"Like you said, people have different ways of dealing with pain," I told him.

"But…doesn't that hurt? You got rid of pain by giving yourself pain?" he looked confused.

"When I cut myself, the pain in my heart transferred to the pain in my arms. Somehow I felt better." I pulled my sleeves back down and lay down on my bed.

"Have you done it recently?" he asked. This boy was so full of questions.

"No. I stopped cutting when I met Marco. I felt like my life was really turning around. I loved him so much; I still do. He helped me stop and let me talk about my problems. He was the first person since Matthias that actually listened. Then I found out that I was pregnant. And then Marco told me he was gay. And my mom died. And it's taking all I have in me to not start again."

"Marco's gay?" Sean asked. Oh great. I wasn't supposed to tell anyone.

"Please don't tell anyone. And don't tell him I told you. It just slipped out."

"I won't I promise," he told me. I closed my eyes and felt Sean lay down next to me. He slipped his hand into mine and held it.

"You probably think I'm some kind of freak now. I cut myself, love my gay best friend, am fifteen years old with a baby on the way, and blame myself for my brother's death."

"I don't think you're a freak," Sean said.

"You don't?" I asked him, surprised.

"Not at all." I felt his warm breath on my neck and shivered. I had never been this close to anyone since Marco; both physically and emotionally.

**A/N: For those of you who don't live in Canada (well, I don't either) Toronto is in Ontario. It's about 399 km I guess…I looked it up, and don't feel like converting that to miles. Also, if you didn't feel like doing the math, Matthias was fifteen when he died, and Ellie was twelve. **

**I don't know if I've done this yet: **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi or any of its characters. I do own Matthias Nash and Ellie's baby with Marco. **


	9. The Best Deceptions 1

**Chapter Nine: The Best Deceptions (Part One)**

I woke up the next morning in Sean's arms. Sean? Wow, I don't even remember falling asleep. This is something I haven't done with anyone besides Marco. I turned my head towards him and watched him sleep. He must have felt me watching him because he opened his eyes a few minutes later. He yawned and smiled at me.

"Hungry?" he asked. I nodded my head and we both got up. Well, at least it had been completely innocent. We were both still wearing our clothes from the day before. I followed Sean to the kitchen. He opened the refrigerator and studied its contents. "Well…" he began.

"Let me look. I'll find something. Since you got breakfast yesterday, I'll cook today," I told him and playfully shoved him aside. "You like pancakes?" I asked him a few minutes later.

"Yeah, but we don't have any frozen ones."

"Eww, I wouldn't eat those if you paid me. I can make my own you know." I grabbed everything I needed to make pancakes and mixed it all together. I put a pan on the stove, turning it on. Memories flashed into my head. My house on fire. My mother wheeled out, covered by a sheet. I stumbled back from the stove.

"Are you okay?" Sean asked me.

"Um yeah," I said, regaining my composure. "Why don't you go get a shower and they'll be ready when you're done," I suggested. If I was going to freak out about this, I might as well do it in private.

"You got it." I watched Sean walk away, and then turned back to the stove, taking a deep breath. I burned the first pancake, not wanting to go near the pan to flip it over. That one I threw in the trash.

_Come on Ellie, you're being dumb,_ I told myself. _Just make the damn pancakes._

When I finally did finish, I put them all on a big plate in the middle of the table. I took out butter, syrup, milk, and orange juice, and put plates and silverware down. Sean still wasn't out of the bathroom yet. I walked down the hall and knocked on the door. I was resisting the strong urge to just burst in there and see him naked. Wow, our little talk last night really got to my head, didn't it? Sean opened the door right then, and stood in front of me with just a towel around his waist. Why does he have to torture me like this?

"Hurry up and get dressed before your breakfast gets cold," I told him and started back towards the kitchen. I felt Sean grab my arm and he spun me around. Then he kissed me. Hard. And I felt something. Did I actually like kissing Sean Cameron? I pulled away. "I can't." I said, shaking my head and walking back to the kitchen. I'm still in love with Marco. And I'm such an idiot.

Instead of going into his bedroom to change, Sean followed me.

"I'll just get dressed after breakfast. I wouldn't want it to get cold," he said, with a big grin on his face. He sat down at the table and poured himself a cup of milk. I did the same. We both loaded our plates and began to eat. "You know, I really enjoyed that," he said all of a sudden.

"Enjoyed what?" I asked. Was he talking about the kiss, or breakfast?

"The kiss." Oh. Great. "And I think you did too." How would he know?

"I can't do this Sean," I said. Why did I say that?

"Because you're in love with Marco, right? I know that you still love him, but you have to let him go sometime. He's gay, and he won't be able to change that, not even for you. I've only known you for a few days now, and I think I…" he trailed off. "Never mind. Just forget it." I pushed my chair away from the table and stood up.

"I'm going to get ready now." Why do I always run from my problems? But, was this really a problem? I might like someone who isn't Marco. Is that good or bad? Marco is my soul mate, but he's gay. Sean was right, in a way. But I just don't feel like starting this now. I'm going to have Marco's baby. Once again, I feel like such an idiot.

* * *

_I heard about your trip  
__I heard about your souvenirs  
__I heard about the cool breeze,  
__In the cool nights,  
__And the cool guys,  
__That you spent them with  
__Well, I guess I should have heard of them from you  
__I guess I should have heard of them from you._

_Don't you see, don't you see  
__That the charade is over?  
__And all the "Best Deceptions"  
__And the "Clever Cover Story" awards  
__Go to you._

_So kiss me hard,  
_'_Cause this will be the last time that I let you.  
__You will be back someday  
__And this awkward kiss that screams of other people's lips  
__Will be of service  
__To keeping you away._

_I heard about your regrets  
__I heard that you were feeling sorry  
__I heard from someone that you wish you could  
__Set things right between us.  
__Well, I guess I should have heard of that from you  
__I guess I should have heard of that from you._

_Don't you see, don't you see  
__That the charade is over?  
__And all the "Best Deceptions"  
__And the "Clever Cover Story" awards  
__Go to you._

_So kiss me hard,  
_'_Cause this will be the last time that I let you.  
__You will be back someday  
__And this awkward kiss that screams of other people's lips  
__Will be of service  
__To keeping you away._

_I'm waiting for blood to flow to my fingers  
__I'll be all right when my hands get warm  
__Ignoring the phone, I'd rather say nothing  
__I'd rather you never heard my voice.  
__You're calling too late,  
__Too late to be gracious,  
__And you do not warrant long goodbyes.  
__You're calling too late  
__You're calling too late  
__You're calling too late. _

* * *

Six months passed since our kiss. And Sean hadn't tried anything since then. We forgot about falling asleep together. We went to school like nothing had ever happened.

Of course, now that I'm seven months pregnant, everyone knows it. Some people have voiced their suspicions that Sean is the father, but I have reassured them all that he isn't. Sometimes I catch him looking at me in the hallways. It doesn't matter, because Marco and I have still been able to keep our secret. Not even Sean knows, and that makes me feel relieved.

Marco did come out to everyone though. About three months ago, he told all of his friends. I'm happy for him, I really am. But now I have to watch him flirt with guys. And it almost makes me sick to watch someone I love flirt with other people. It doesn't even matter that they're guys; just that he's doing it.

Anyway, Sean is throwing me a housewarming party. It's about time. Right now, I'm sitting on the couch. Everyone is here, but I don't feel like partying. Jay, Alex, Towerz, Craig, Paige, Marco, Jimmy, Spinner, and Ashley are here. Yeah, she came too. But at least she's being civil to me. Everyone's probably here for the beer, but at least they came. Among the people in our grade, Sean invited people from his grade too. He invited Emma, Manny, JT, Toby, and a few other people. Even Liberty is here. That's just weird. And of course, there are a bunch of people here that weren't even invited. But I don't care. Sean and I have both locked our bedrooms.

Everyone around me is drunk. I can't even drink because of the baby. I'm still staring at all the people, dancing and making out, when Sean sits down with me.

"Not having a very good time?" he asked me.

"I like the presents," I said, pointing to a pile of unwrapped gifts in front of me. Most of the people brought baby presents. But someone bought us a toaster. How cute. Well, we didn't have one anyway.

"I don't know if you noticed, but I'm not drinking. I thought you'd like some company who was sober," he said. I hadn't noticed. That was really sweet of him. Even Marco had gotten drunk, but not Sean. He stood by me no matter what. And I was just realizing this.

"Do you want to dance?" he asked me as a slow song came on. I took his hand and stood up, but then the doorbell rang. We exchanged weird looks, and both went to answer it.

"Ellie!" Oh my lord. My father showed up. Great timing Dad.

"Dad?" What are you doing here?" I asked him.

"I came back for a visit. I contacted the school and they told me your emergency contact. I got the address from her. I wanted to see my daughter," he said. I gave Sean a look and he walked away. I went outside with my dad and closed the door behind me.

"You picked now to come and see me? It's been six months Dad," I said, referring to my mother's death.

"I know, and I'm sorry. You didn't exactly tell me that you were pregnant," he said, putting a hand on my stomach.

"We never talked," I said coldly.

"Who's the lucky guy?" he asked, a grin on his face. I couldn't believe that my dad was happy about this!

"No one you would know," I said.

"Can I at least stay for the party?" he asked me. What? Did I hear him right?

"Why?"

"Because, I love you and this party looks like it's celebrating something for you. I want to celebrate. I can be just as cool as all of your friends," he told me. That means he wanted to get drunk.

"Whatever. Behave yourself okay?" I said, and went back inside. My dad followed me into the apartment.

"I won't even tell them I'm your dad," he whispered in my ear. Who wouldn't know he was my father? Did he think everyone was stupid? He was in his complete Battle Dress Uniform, with "Nash" stuck to his chest. I rolled my eyes as he walked over to the keg and got himself a cup. He looked in my direction and winked. I sighed and found Sean.

"I'm ready to dance," I told him. He went over to his stereo and put another slow song on. I wrapped my arms around his neck, and he put his around my waist. He pulled me close to him and I could feel his breath on my neck. I rested my head on his shoulder and we danced for what seemed like hours. When the song was over, he whispered in my ear.

"Do you want to go somewhere and talk?" he asked. Wow. This was just like in a dumb movie where the girl follows the guy into a bedroom and they have sex. Not gonna happen! I'm already pregnant.

"Sure," I said. Did I really just say that? Sure? What kind of answer is that? Anyway, Sean led me to his bedroom. Even though I'd lived there for six months, I had never been in his room. There was a queen-sized bed in the middle of the room. It was actually in the middle, not touching any walls. Kind of cool but weird at the same time. He had some movie posters up and a few photos, but other than that, the room was a little plain. But I loved it.

"You like it?" he asked, as though he was reading my mind.

"Yeah, it's different," I said, laughing. I sat down on his bed and looked around some more. I slipped my shoes off and pulled my legs up under me. I was wearing a tight shirt that showed off the very bottom of my stomach, and a pair of black pants. Sean sat down next to me and put his hand on my stomach.

"Are you excited?"

"Well, I'm not sure yet. I just don't know if I'm ready to be a mom, you know? I'm still only fifteen. I won't even be sixteen until a few months after the baby is born. I'm kinda scared," I told him truthfully.

"You shouldn't be. You have a bunch of people to help you, including me. I think you'll be a great mother," he told me.

"Really?"

"Of course." He leaned towards me a little and playfully rubbed my hair, messing it up.

"Hey!" I squealed. Yes, I squealed. Weird huh? I reached over to him and did the same. His hair looked cute like that. Then he got up on his knees and tickled me. I was laughing so hard that I couldn't talk. Sean had me so I was lying down and he had one knee on either side of me. He was straddling my body, and if anyone came in, they would be suspicious.

I leaned up, trying to tickle him back. "Stop!" I managed to get out, still laughing. Sean ignored me and kept at it. He leaned down even further and we stayed like that for a minute. Our faces were so close. Sean stopped tickling me and I kissed him. _I _kissed _him_ this time. It was a long, passionate kiss that seemed like it lasted forever.

"Sean, I…" I started to say when we finally pulled away.

"What is it Ellie?" he asked. He knew what I almost said. But I couldn't do it. I love Marco, don't I? Do I love him anymore? We'd been hanging out every day after school still. He'd been going to doctor's appointments and I still wanted to be with him every second. But could I possibly have feelings for someone else?

"Sean, I…" I began to say again. "…have to pee," I finished.

"Huh?" he said, looking confused. He looked so cute like that. After a few seconds, I couldn't help it. I burst out laughing, and so did he. "Here, uh…" he got off of me and helped me up. "Hurry back," he said as I left the room.

**A/N: I'll try to get Part Two of 'The Best Deceptions' done soon. There's just so much in this little section of the story that I want to write that I have to do it in two chapters. The song is "The Best Deceptions" by Dashboard Confessional. They own the song. **


	10. The Best Deceptions 2

**Chapter Ten: The Best Deceptions (Part Two)**

I looked into the living room before going to pee. A bunch of people had already left the party, probably going somewhere to get lucky. The only people left that I could see were Marco, by himself, Manny and Craig making out on the couch, and Jay and Emma in the kitchen, with Emma on the counter, making out. I shook my head and smiled, making my way to the bathroom. When I got there, I noticed that the door was open, but locked. Someone must have been in there earlier and didn't shut the door all the way before locking it. Someone who was probably drunk.

I heard the shower on and sighed. And whoever it was left the shower on. I threw back the curtain to turn the water off and nearly screamed. Someone was having sex in my shower. Paige to be exact. How disgusting. Only she wasn't with Spinner. I couldn't see the guy's face, but he seemed familiar to me somehow.

Paige's legs were wrapped around this guy's waist, and her back was pressed up against the shower wall. She was bouncing herself up and down and moaning. Dear lord help me. I started walking backwards. For some reason, I didn't want to know who she was having sex with, and I didn't want to pee anymore. I turned to walk out of the bathroom, but stopped when something on the ground caught my eye. Their clothes. I saw the familiar camouflage pants and shirt, lying on the ground, and recognized the name tag. Nash. Then I screamed.

"DAD?" Paige and, yep, my father, I could tell now that he turned his head, immediately stopped. "What the fuck are you doing?" I yelled, knowing very well what they were doing.

"Ellie, honey," my dad started to say.

"GET OUT!" I screamed. "And take your nasty little slut with you!" I watched my dad scramble for a towel and throw it around his waist. I shoved his clothes into his arms and pushed him out of the room as hard as I could. Sean ran into the bathroom when he heard me screaming. He looked like he was going to puke. "Get him out of here!" I yelled to him.

I watched as Sean dragged my father out of the room, and waited until I heard the door slam before I turned to Paige. She had turned the shower off and was just standing there. I threw her clothes at her. "He's fucking 38 years old you little skank!" I yelled. I grabbed her by the arm, and led her through the apartment, still naked, and threw her out of the back door, into the alley.

I looked around my home and saw Emma, Jay, Craig, Manny, and Marco getting up to leave. They were all drunk. I took Jay and Craig's keys from them and gave them all money to take the bus. I didn't want anyone driving. After they all left, I looked at Sean. He came over to me and wrapped his arms around me, holding me as I started to cry.

My own father was having sex with someone from my school. I'm sure that it was the first time that happened, but it was still horrible. I hated him for it. He ruined my party and my time with Sean. Bastard. I let Sean lead me back to his room. He closed the door and brought me to his bed.

"Can I have something else to wear?" I asked. I was exhausted with anger. He handed me sweatpants and a huge t-shirt, then turned around to let me change. I collapsed into his bed, and he followed. He wrapped his arms around me, and for once in my life, I felt safe without Marco. As I fell asleep, he whispered in my ear. The last thing I heard him say was,

"I love you."

* * *

I woke up next to Sean once again. But I felt good being near him. Maybe I can get over Marco. But…maybe not. This is so frustrating. I don't think I'm ready to let Marco completely out of my heart, but I think that I may be able to let Sean in. Then there's the whole thing about the baby. I sighed and rolled over, kissing Sean lightly. He woke up at me and smiled.

"Hey Sean…" I started to ask.

"I meant it," he said, before I could get the question out. "Ellie…over these past six months, I think that, um, well, I think that I've fallen in love with you." I didn't say anything to this. We just lay there in silence. "You don't have to feel the same way. I just like having you here with me."

"You mean Sean Cameron actually has a heart?" I joked.

"I think you gave it to me." I kissed Sean again. That was so sweet. I was finally ready to say something.

"You're a great guy, and I do have feelings for you. I just don't know if I can let go of Marco yet. I know that he's gay and we could never be together, it just takes some time to get over. I also know that I've been 'getting over it' for six months already, I just need a little more time, that's all," I explained.

"I'll give you all the time you need." We started making out but didn't go any farther than that. I sat up and smiled. I need to take a shower," I told him. Then I remembered what my dad did in our shower last night. "Actually, maybe not." Sean knew why I said it.

"I'll go disinfect the tub and walls for you," he said. "And before you say it, yes, Sean Cameron knows how to clean," he said, smirking.

"I wasn't going to say it, but okay." I smiled at him and he kissed me on the cheek before getting up. Ten minutes later, he returned.

"All set," he told me.

"Thanks a bunch." Did I really just say that? It sounded so…so…Paige-like. Ew. I really need to get my head straight here. Could love turn someone into Paige? If this is even love. I don't know. All I do know is that I don't want to break Sean's heart.

I got up and went into Sean's dresser drawers, pulling out another shirt and sweatpants. He just watched me and didn't protest to me going through his stuff. I smiled at him and went into the bathroom, not bothering to lock the door behind me. I was actually comfortable here now. Plus, if Sean had to pee or brush his teeth or something like that, he could just do it and not have to wait for me.

After a long, hot shower, I got dressed in Sean's clothes and ran out of the bathroom, welcoming the cool air on my face. I walked into the living room and found Sean sitting a chair, looking very uncomfortable. Seated on the couch were two police officers, one male, and one female. I recognized them from the night that my mother died. Maybe they're here to tell me something about her.

"Ellie, the officers want to ask you a few questions about your dad," he said, giving me a weird look. Maybe not. They're here about my dad? I wonder why. Maybe they found out that he had sex with a sixteen-year-old. Great. I really want everyone to find out about that.

"What do you want to know?" I asked, sitting down on the arm of Sean's chair. He placed his hand on the small of my back as if steadying me.

"We need to know where he's staying," the man, Officer Blake, told me.

"Is this about what happened last night?" I asked. Sean nudged me, meaning that I was wrong, and he already knew what they wanted.

"It's about your mother," the woman, Officer Vida, explained. Neither of them cared that something had happened last night at all. This was big. I could feel it. "It's extremely urgent that we know where he is right now."

"He's staying at the hotel over on North Highland Boulevard. I forget the name of it though. The number is 268," I offered the information. "Now, can I please ask why this has anything to do with my mom? She killed herself six months ago…"

"Ms. Nash…" Officer Blake began.

"Call me Ellie," I said, interrupting him. Officer Vida took over.

"Ellie," she said. "Your mother did not kill herself." The room fell silent. Sean put his arm around my waist and pulled me closer to him. My back was resting on his left shoulder.

"What are you talking about?" I asked, confused. "My dad already told me everything that happened."

"He was lying to you Ellie," Sean interjected.

"I think you're all lying!" I yelled, tears forming behind my eyes.

"Listen to me Ellie," Sean said to me. "They found the gun that killed her. And it didn't have her prints on it. It would have to have her prints on it if she held it to her own head," he said forcefully.

"Whose prints were on that gun?" I asked, staring at the Officers.

"Christian Nash," Officer Blake finally said.

"No, you're lying! My dad would never kill anyone! He's been away in the Army!" I yelled, standing up. Sean stood quickly and rushed to my side. Both of the Officers stood up as well.

"You're father was never enlisted in the Army. We've already looked into it," Officer Vida told me.

"That's a lie too! Where else would he have been all of this time? He enlisted when we moved here over a year ago!" Sean pulled me to him and put his arms around me.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered in my ear.

"Get out of my house!" I screamed at the Officers. They obeyed. They had their information. My father is not a murderer. He's in the Army. He protects our country. I turned to Sean and put my head to his chest, soaking his shirt with my tears.

* * *

That night, my father was arrested for the murder of my mother. I actually went to see him in jail a few days later, where he was awaiting his trial. There, I meet this woman named Riley. She looks like she is about twenty years old. The 'hotel' my dad was staying at turned out to be her house that he bought for her.

And she has a son, Kieran, who is one and a half years old. He is my father's son. My half-brother. He wasn't in the Army. He was playing house with some teenager, barely older than me. And he cheated on her with Paige, someone even younger than she was. I told Riley about Paige and my dad, and I left, never looking back. She probably forgave him.

The next day was the trial. I didn't show up. I learned that he confessed to the murder. He was sentenced to twenty years in prison. I could feel my heart break and I just let it. Nothing could stop this pain. Riley will wait for him. They'll always be a family. We were never a family after what happened to Matthias. He was the beam that held us up, the chain that linked us together. When he died, the beam fell, the chain broke, and we all came crashing down. My mother is dead. My father might as well be. It's his fault. Now I'm the only one left. And I can't handle it.


	11. You And Me

**Chapter Eleven: You And Me **

**I'm adding Sean's POV to the story. It will switch from Ellie to Sean now, but they will be the only POV's in here because that's the way I want it. **

**Sean**

There are many things in your life that you will never forget. I will never forget the first time I laid eyes on Ellie. I knew then and there that she was the one for me. She's the most beautiful person I've ever seen.

I will never forget the first time we fell asleep together. She opened up to me about her brother that night.

I will never forget the time that I told her I loved her, and she said it back.

I will also never forget the time she told me that her dad had been lying to her, was cheating on her mom, had a baby with another woman, and confessed to her mother's murder because he wanted to be with Riley. I won't forget that look on her face.

* * *

Ellie and I have been dating for a month now. Of course, we haven't been able to go on any real dates because Marco seems to always be over. Riley has been calling constantly. She wants Ellie to spend time with Kieran. Ellie just hangs up on her. And I don't blame her.

So my girlfriend is eight months pregnant, and it's not even my baby. How messed up is that? What's even more mess up is that I wish it were mine. We just finished school last week; the baby's due in July. Next year, Ellie will be in grade eleven and I'll be in grade ten; she'll be a mother, and I guess I'll be some type of father figure. Although I'm hoping that the baby's father will at least show himself or something, show that he cares about her. I have so many random thoughts floating around in my head and I can't sort them out.

I'm taking Ellie out on our first official date to celebrate our one month anniversary. We're going to see a movie and then go to her favorite café, even though she knows she can't drink coffee. She said she'll just get hot chocolate because she loves the place so much. It must be eighty-five degrees outside and she's gonna get something hot? I'll stick with water, thanks.

"You ready El?" I yelled as I walked out of my room. She met me in the hallway with her lips. I slipped my tongue into her mouth and smiled while I was kissing her.

"I look horrible," she groaned. She was wearing a maternity dress that she got at the mall. In my opinion, pregnant was a good look for her. She was about to burst open any minute, but still looked hot.

"You look great," I said truthfully. She smiled and I wanted to melt. I know, I know, Sean Cameron does not go soft over a girl. Okay, I lied. Yeah, he does. But only this girl. I clasped my hand over hers and we left the apartment, locking the door behind us. Since neither of us had a car, we walked to the movie theater. We didn't talk at all, but that didn't bother me. We ended up seeing Spanglish (Ellie's idea) and it was pretty good. I would never admit that to Jay though. Once again we walked, hand in hand, down to the café.

All of a sudden, Ellie stopped walking and started staring. Her mouth dropped open in surprise. I followed her gaze and noticed that she was looking at Marco. He was sitting at a table with a guy, and they were kissing. Gross. Not that I don't like gay people, they can do whatever they want. I just didn't expect it. Ellie pulled me behind a tree nearby.

"I can't believe this!" she hissed in my ear. Yeah, she hissed. I wouldn't have been surprised if she started spitting flames.

"So…Marco has a boyfriend…" I didn't get it. I never do though.

"Yeah, and he couldn't tell me!" she said a little louder. "I'm supposed to be his best friend. And it has to be Paige's brother, doesn't it?"

"That's her brother?" I asked.

"Yes! I still can't believe it. I never thought Marco would betray me like this," Ellie whined.

"Maybe he was waiting for the right time to tell you," I suggested. Why was she so upset? "El, are you still in love with him?" I asked. I had to ask, didn't I?

"Of course not!" she hissed. Great, she went from hissing to whining and back to hissing again. Definitely in love with him. Then I looked down and noticed that she was holding her hands to her stomach. It finally hit me. How could I be so stupid?

"He's the father," I stated. How could I have not noticed this before?

"What did you say?" she asked me.

"He is; isn't he?" I answered her with a question.

"Yes," she finally admitted, looking at the ground and starting to cry.

"Shh, it's going to be okay. You don't need him. I can help you through all of this, I really can," I assured her.

"I know. You've been so good to me. But first, I want revenge."

"What?" I asked. Revenge? This isn't even that big of a deal. Well, I guess it is to her. And if I ever said that out loud she'd prolly kill me.

"Know how to hotwire a car?" she asked me.

"Yeah, but…" I trailed off. Was I really going to do this? Ever since Ellie moved in, I haven't stolen anything. But I'd do anything to make her happy.

"His car is right here in front of us," she pointed out. "And I want to go on a joy ride."

"Ellie, don't you think he'll notice me under the hood of his car? They're sitting right there," I said, pointing over to them.

"We need a distraction or something. I'll be right back." I watched her sneak out of the bushes and duck out of sight behind the car. Then she popped back up and ran over. "What an idiot. Just as I suspected. He left the keys in it."

"He probably thought that it'd be safe as long as he could see it," I said, shrugging.

"Well, it won't be tonight. Here's the plan. We'll wait until they start making out again, run to the car, and both go in through the driver's side door. That way, they won't see us getting in on their side. Time to go, now!" she yelled.

I looked around the tree and sure enough, they were making out again. Ellie dragged me around the car and we both ducked down. "Get in, I'm driving," she said. I threw her an 'are you serious?' look and she quietly opened the door, shoving me towards it. I reluctantly climbed in and she slid in after me, shutting the door as quietly as she could. It wasn't quiet enough. I looked out of the window and noticed Dylan and Marco standing up to come see what the noise was. I put my seatbelt on. This would be interesting.

"Hurry up, go!" I yelled. Ellie turned the keys in the ignition and the car started. Then Marco and Dylan started running in our direction. "They're coming!" I yelled. I slid down in the seat so they wouldn't recognize me, and Ellie sped off. We drove down the street, Ellie increasing her speed more and more. "Slow down," I told her.

"I'm not taking orders." She said, turning the radio on. She turned it up and sang with it as we drove along with the windows down.

"Could you at least put your seatbelt on?" I asked her. "Please?"

"Fine you big baby," she said, sticking her tongue out at me. She was going at least sixty now, and the speed limit was only thirty. I watched Ellie reach for her seatbelt, but it got caught. She turned to fix it and took her eyes off of the road.

"Stop!" I yelled. The car in front of us was stopped at a red light. Even if she had slammed on her brakes, Marco's car would have plowed right through the middle of it. So she swerved around it instead. I was about to breathe a sigh of relief, but then I saw the telephone pole. Everything went black.

* * *

I woke up a few minutes later. My face was stuffed with the air bag and my cheek hurt. It must have burned me. I could hear the sirens getting closer and looked over at Ellie. She had been thrown forwards, but wasn't ejected from the car. Her head was up on the dashboard and she was draped across the steering wheel. Her air bag hadn't deployed. I noticed that the radio was still on. I heard a few lines of the song as I drifted out of consciousness.

_What day is it, and in what month?  
__This clock never seemed so alive  
__I can't keep up, and I can't back down  
__I've been losing so much time._

'_Cause it's you and me and all of the people  
__With nothing to do, nothing to lose  
__And it's you and me and all of the people  
__And I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you._

_All of the things that I want to say just aren't coming out right  
__I'm tripping on words, you got my head spinning  
__I don't know where to go from here._

'_Cause it's you and me and all of the people  
__With nothing to lose, and nothing to prove  
__And it's you and me and all of the people  
__And I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you._

_Something about you now  
__I can't quite figure out  
__Everything she does is beautiful  
__Everything she does is right_

'_Cause it's you and me and all of the people  
__With nothing to do, nothing to lose  
__And it's you and me and all of the people  
__And I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you._

* * *

I woke up again when I felt someone trying to lift me out of the car. I looked over and Ellie was gone. All I saw was a huge pool of blood left on the seat. I was finally taken out of the car and put on backboard with a neck brace on. Two people lifted me up onto a stretcher and strapped me down to it. I was placed in the back of an ambulance. The EMTs were talking to me, but I didn't hear a word they were saying. I blacked out again and woke up in the hospital. Ellie was in the room with me and I was relieved. She's alive.

"Ellie?" I called out to her softly. She didn't respond. She didn't even move. I hope she's sleeping.

"She hasn't woken up yet," someone said, walking into the room. It was Marco. Oh no. "I didn't think you were this stupid," he said to me.

"I'm not. It was her idea," I said. I shouldn't have said that. "She was upset that you didn't tell her about Dylan," I explained. Then I saw him standing behind Marco. Great. Just then, before I had to say anymore, a doctor walked in.

"I'm going to have to ask you to leave," he said to Marco and Dylan. I read his name tag and noticed that his name was Dr. Hartman.

"I'm not leaving," Marco said. "I'm the baby's father."

"Very well then," he turned and gave Dylan a look. Dylan left the room reluctantly. I could see him standing right outside the door, watching.

"How is she?" I blurted out before Dr. Hartman could even speak.

"Ms. Nash lost a significant amount of blood," he said.

"I saw it on the seat in the car. Where was it coming from?" I asked, afraid of the answer. Dr. Hartman nodded his head gravely and opened his mouth to speak.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news," he said, looking at me and then at Marco. He motioned for Marco to sit down in a chair next to Ellie's bed. "With the extreme impact of the crash, Eleanor's stomach was slammed into the steering wheel. The baby…didn't make it," he finally said.

The tears began pouring out of my eyes. They felt so hot on my cheeks. Marco was much worse off. He jumped up out of the chair and slammed his fist into the wall. He was crying harder than I was. I watched helplessly as he collapsed to the floor. Dylan rushed in and held him in his arms.

"As soon as she wakes up, Eleanor's labor will be induced and she will give birth to the baby." Unable to do anything more for us, he turned to leave the room.

"Wait!" I called after him. He turned around to face me. "Ellie," was all I said.

"What?" he asked.

"She likes to be called Ellie," was all I could say.


	12. Don't Take My Baby

**Chapter Twelve: Don't Take My Baby **

**A/N: crashtburn: The reason why Ellie reacted the way she did was because a part of her was still in love with Marco and he's her best friend. She was hurt that he didn't tell her about Dylan, not that she wasn't invited on the date. It obviously wasn't Marco and Dylan's first date because they were making out. I was trying to make it seem like they had been dating for almost the entire month that Sean and Ellie had. **

**Ellie**

"Sean?" I whispered. Where was I? The room was dark and I couldn't tell.

"Ellie!" I heard him call out from the darkness. I heard him groan as he stood up and walked over to my bed. Am I in my bedroom at home? Something happened in Marco's car. Then it all came rushing back to me: Marco and Dylan, stealing the car, the accident…the baby! What happened? Sean sat down on the edge of my bed and I almost screamed.

"Sean, what happened?" I asked him. He started to cry. "I don't remember anything after the crash." Seeing him cry made me break down. "Tell me!" I yelled at him when he remained silent. I reached up to touch his cheek but he turned away.

"I broke my cheek bone," he said, pointing to the bandage across his eye. "I don't even know how that happened exactly. And the airbag burned my cheek."

"What happened to me? I don't feel hurt at all. But what about the baby, Sean?" I asked. He cried harder.

"Ellie…" he choked back some tears and finished his sentence. "The baby didn't make it." After hearing those words, I caved in. I couldn't even speak. For the past eight months, this baby has been my entire life. My whole world was now gone. "There's more." Sean said. How could there be more? My baby is dead. I never found out if it was a boy or girl. I wanted it to be a surprise. Surprise, surprise.

"How could there be more?" I asked between sobs.

"You have to give birth. They're going to induce labor El." It was the first time Sean ever called me 'El.' I don't even know why that was the first thing that came to mind.

"I have to give birth to a dead baby?" I cried.

"There's no other way. I'm so sorry." Sean held me in his arms for the next few hours, and by the time I was able to dry a few tears, the room was full of sunlight. Visiting hours were probably approaching; but who would visit me? My question was answered when Marco burst into the room.

"I cannot believe you Ellie! How could you do this to me? You stole my car and then killed our baby! An innocent life was destroyed because of YOU. You KILLED the baby Ellie, and I hate you!" he yelled in my face. Sean immediately jumped up and tried to defend me.

"Leave her alone you asshole! She's been through enough. She doesn't need you to yell at her right now!" he yelled.

"SHE'S been through enough? My child is dead because of HER! And here you are, defending her!" Marco began to cry and I saw Dylan rush in to comfort him.

"Get him out of here!" I screamed. "I don't want to see his face ever again!"

"I didn't do anything to you!" Dylan yelled. "I'm only trying to support my boyfriend!"

"Your slut of a sister slept with my father!" I yelled at him. "GET OUT!" Just then, Dr. Hartman burst into the room.

"What's going on here?" he asked.

"I want him to leave," I said, pointing at Dylan. The doctor turned to him.

"You again?" he asked. "You'll have to leave. If she doesn't want you here, then you can't stay." Dylan kissed Marco on the cheek.

"Paige would never do something like that," he whispered.

"She did," Sean said, coming to my defense. Dylan's eyes were wide with shock and he turned and left the room. A nurse came in right after he left.

"Ellie needs Pitocin in her IV. We're going to induce her labor," Dr. Hartman told the nurse. The woman obeyed and left the room for a minute. She came back with a needle and injected it into the IV. "After you have dilated a few centimeters, we'll break your water for you," he explained. "You'll give birth as if everything were normal. Do you have any questions?" he asked. Elle shook her head and cried. "I know this is a very tough time for you. Do you have anyone you would like us to call for you? An adult maybe?" he asked.

"Christine Nelson-Simpson," I whispered. "I need her here." Dr. Hartman left the room to make the phone call.

"Can I talk to you outside for a minute?" Sean asked Marco. Marco nodded his head and wiped his tears away before following Sean out of the room. "What is wrong with you?" Sean said harshly. I could hear them through the door.

"She killed my baby!"

"That's not just your baby, it's hers too! You have no idea what Ellie has been going through. You call yourself her best friend, but you couldn't even tell her that you had a boyfriend? That is the reason she wanted to take your car last night. She was upset and wanted to get revenge. If you were really her best friend, you'd stand right by her no matter what," Sean spat.

"My child is dead!" Marco yelled a little too loudly. A few people stared at him before returning to their business. "How can you talk to me about what she's been going through? I'm sixteen years old. I found out that my best friend was pregnant with my baby and that I was gay this year. I finally found someone who I could share my life with, and then my baby dies. And it's her fault."

"You think that your problems are worse than hers, don't you?" Sean asked. "You haven't been around enough to even know what has happened to her. Ellie and I have barely known each other for a year and I know more about her than you do! What do you know about what has happened to her?" Sean said harshly.

"I know a lot about Ellie. I love her," Marco whispered.

"Apparently you don't know or love her enough. You know that she used to cut because her father went to the war and her mother was an alcoholic. You also know that her brother Matthias was murdered, and that's the reason her parents fell apart. You also know that her mom died just after she found out she was pregnant with your baby. She was still in love with you and just that broke her. You know that Paige slept with her father at her party. That's all you know." Sean fell silent.

"What else is there to know?" he asked. Sean laughed in his face.

"Let's see," he said, pretending to think. "She found out that her dad killed her mom. He's in prison now. She also found out that he killed her because he wanted to live with a new woman. He was never in the army. He was off with some girl who is only a few years older than her and they have a son together. Then she found out that her best friend wasn't even being honest with her, and now she has to give birth to a child who is already dead. I'm ashamed of you Marco. She needs you to be there for her." Sean came back into the room and left Marco standing there, shocked.

"You didn't have to do that," I told him.

"Yes I did. I love you Ellie, and I can't stand to see you hurt like this," he said to me. I threw my arms around him and hugged him. Then I felt the pain in my stomach and fell back.

"Ahhh!" I yelled.

"What is it?" Sean asked frantically.

"I'm having contractions," I told him. "This is it Sean," I started to cry again. "I love you too."

* * *

Those were two of the hardest hours of my entire life. I still can't believe it's all over. I don't want to even remember any of the details, and if I try hard enough, I won't. It all happened yesterday. I'm packing up my stuff and going home now. There's nothing more that I need to do. My baby is dead.

**-Flashback-**

"_One more push Ellie," Dr. Hartman said. Sean was counting in my ear._

"_One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten," he finished. I let out a huge sigh._

"_That's it, you're done. You did great," the doctor said. I was hoping that maybe, with some kind of miracle, my baby would cry. But that never happened. _

"_What is it?" I asked the doctor. "I want to know."_

"_It's a boy," Marco said softly, tears filling his eyes. I looked over to him and he was holding our son. The tears spilled out and I couldn't stop. I motioned for Marco to come to me and let me see him. He was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. _

"_Marco," I cried. "I'm so sorry. I want him back; I want him back right now!" I screamed. _

"_Ellie, he can't come back," Sean whispered to me. _

"_Can you take a picture of him?" I asked. "I don't ever want to forget him." Everyone stared at me like I was crazy. "Just do it!" I yelled at them. I pointed to my purse. Sean walked over to it and pulled my camera out of it. He was crying as he took the picture. I felt bad; I should have done it. I just wanted to have at least one picture of my son, whether he was dead or alive._

"_We're going to take him now," a man from the morgue said. I hadn't even noticed that he walked in. I took my son from Marco and held him close._

"_I love you baby. I'm so sorry. Mommy is sorry. I have to say goodbye," I whispered and kissed him on the cheek. He was so cold. I wanted to wake up from this nightmare. The man took him and I got one last look at my son forever. "Don't take him! No, I want my baby!" I started screaming. I felt Spike's arms around me._

"_Shh Ellie. It'll all be okay. Shh," she said to me. I cried in her arms over the tragedy that lay before me. _

**-End Of Flashback-**

"Can you sign this please?" a nurse asked me. I looked as she held two pieces of paper in front of me. A birth certificate and a death certificate. I stared at the name that I chose for my son. 'Zane Matthias Nash-Del Rossi.' Tears filled my eyes as I signed the papers and then I turned away and walked out of the room. I met Marco outside. Sean was at home waiting for me. When we got there I ran to him and threw my arms around him. We hugged and cried for a few minutes and Marco left.

"I got your camera developed at the one-hour photo last night," he said, handing the packet to me. I grabbed it from him and flipped through the pictures, throwing each one on the ground. The floor was littered with photos of Sean and I, a few pictures of Marco, and the last one was the one I was looking for.

There he was. My precious baby boy. The tears came pouring out once again. I took the picture into my bedroom and slammed the door, locking it behind me. I left Sean standing there. He was probably cleaning the pictures off of the living room floor.


	13. Every Word Was A Piece Of My Heart

**Chapter Thirteen: Every Word Was A Piece Of My Heart**

**Sean**

I softly knocked on Ellie's bedroom door. She had been in there for a few hours and I left her alone. But this is the woman I love. And she just lost a child. I need to be there for her. I knocked for a second time and there was still no answer. I could hear her playing her Jon Bon Jovi CD. I sat down on the floor, leaned against the door, and listened to the song.

_I've been staring at the page for what seems like days  
__I guess I put this one off for a while  
__Did I see a tear fall from your eyes?  
__Or did you laugh so hard that you cried?  
__When I served my secrets on a silver tray to you  
__Hey now, I guess the night's just bringing me down._

_There's no love, there's no hate  
__I left them there for you to take  
__But know that every word was a piece of my heart_

_You've been the blood in my veins  
__The only one who knows my middle name  
__And the smiles, they came easy cause of you  
__You know that I love you, but I hate you  
__Cause I know I can never escape you  
__So let the choir sing for tonight I'm an easy mark  
__Hey now, am I acting just a little too proud?_

_There's no love, there's no hate  
__I left them there for you to take  
__But know that every word was a piece of my heart  
__Have I said too much?  
__Maybe I haven't said enough  
__But know that every word was a piece of my heart_

_Hush me darling, maybe I've lost my touch  
__Maybe I've lost my guts  
__There, is that truth enough?_

_You know these love letters mix with whisky  
__Just don't light a match when you kiss me  
__Though I'll blow away, you know I'll be back soon  
__Hey now, am I talking just a little too loud?_

_There's no love, there's no hate  
__I left them there for you to take  
__But know that every word was a piece of my heart  
__Have I said too much?  
__Maybe I haven't said enough  
__But know that every word was a piece of my heart  
__Hey now, am I talking just a little too proud?  
__Hey now, all the night's just bringing me down._

I didn't realize until a few minutes later that the song had ended. I wiped the tears from my face and stood up to knock on the door again.

"Ellie?" I called into her room. The music was off and I couldn't hear a sound. I tried the door and it was locked. I don't know why I was just now trying it for the first time. "I'll just wait out here all night," I yelled, sitting down again.

"Don't hold your breath!" she yelled back to me. I warily stood up and went into my own bedroom. I slammed the door behind me, imitating Ellie.

* * *

I woke up to the doorbell ringing. After looking at the clock and realizing it was only 7:30 in the morning, I dragged myself out of bed and to the front door. It was Marco.

"How is she?" he asked me.

"How do you think she is?"

"Look, I know you're still mad at me for blowing up at her, but we've made peace since then. I talked to her all night last night on the phone and she asked me to come over today."

"I'm happy for you," I said sarcastically. He pushed past me and walked into the apartment. "Last time I checked, this is _my_ apartment!" I yelled. Marco ignored me and made his way to Ellie's room. The door opened quickly and she pulled him inside, closing and locking it behind her.

I don't know why she won't talk to me. I feel just as bad as she does. I was beginning to feel like the baby was mine. I was going to help her raise him. Tears began to stream down my face but I wiped them away. I pulled a beer out of the fridge and threw myself onto the couch in the living room, turning the TV on. I sat there all day, and Marco stayed in Ellie's room all day. I couldn't believe that she was acting this way. When Marco finally came out, Ellie stayed in.

"What were you guys doing?" I asked him.

"She'll tell you when she's ready," he replied. "She really needs you. I can't do anything more for her. She loves you now," he said sadly.

"How can I be there for her when she shuts me out?" I asked him angrily.

"She can't stay in there forever," was his answer.

**Ellie **

I haven't cut in a long time. Not since Marco, to be exact. I stood my ground when my dad had sex with Paige, and even when I found out about his whole other life. I stood my ground when he murdered my mother. Losing Zane was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. He was going to be the beginning of my new family. A fresh new start. But now the ground has fallen out from under my feet. And I'm falling with it.

I pulled the compass out of my backpack. Was I really going to start this again? I'm better than this. At least, I think I am. Just when I was about to drag the sharp point across my arm, I yelled for Sean. He came right away, bursting through the door. He saw the compass in my hand and grabbed it from me, throwing it to the ground.

"Don't do it Ellie. You're better than this." I know! I wanted to yell it in his face.

"I want him back Sean. I just want him back," I told him, crying.

"I do too," he whispered in my ear.

"I want to show you something." I took his hand and led him over to my dresser. Marco and I made a memorial for our son. There were a few sonograms and the one photo that I have of him surrounded by plastic flowers that will never die like he did. Marco had a plaque made with his name on it.

"It's beautiful," Sean said, sighing.

"Do you think I'm crazy?" I whispered.

"Of course not. I love you El."

"I love you too Sean. I really do. This is just so hard and I promise that I'll try to get better." I led him back to my bed and kissed him before falling asleep in his arms.

**A/N: The song is "Every Word Was a Piece of My Heart" by Jon Bon Jovi. He owns it. This is just a filler chapter. More drama to come. **


	14. Scars

**Chapter Fourteen: Scars**

**Sean**

I'm so glad that Ellie is going to be okay. Well, it seems that she is. She woke up this morning happy like she used to be. She's trying to put the past behind her. I know it's hard to forget about what happened to Zane. It's really hard for me too. But she's trying to at least put it behind her for awhile.

Marco is coming over and then they're going to the movies. I have to go get some work done so I have enough money for rent this month. Mr. Simpson hired me to fix his car again because it's a piece of crap. I'm hoping to be back by the time Ellie gets home so we can have some alone time.

"Bye El, I gotta go to work now. Love you," I said, kissing her on the cheek.

"Bye Sean. See you later. Love you too," she replied, kissing me hard on the lips. I kissed her again but then I really had to leave.

**Ellie**

"Hello?" The phone rang a few minutes after Sean left.

"Hey El, it's me."

"Oh hey Marco. I thought you'd be here by now. The movie starts in ten minutes," I said.

"I don't exactly feel like going, I'm sorry," he said.

"What's wrong? You sound upset."

"Dylan broke up with me," he sobbed into the phone.

"What? Why?" I asked.

"Because of everything that happened with you. He said it was just too much for him and I seemed too attached to you. I didn't make enough time for him," Marco complained.

"Sounds like he's just being selfish. We did have a baby together. And he just died," I informed him.

"I know. I just…I don't know. I can't believe this is happening Ellie. I'm gonna be alone for the rest of my life," he moaned.

"Don't be such a baby Marco. It sounds like you got over your son real quick and now you're just bitching about some stupid breakup," I said harshly.

"It's not a stupid breakup. Dylan meant a lot to me…he still does. And I didn't get over my son; I'm just trying not to think about it. At least you still have someone who loves you Ellie," Marco said, trying to make me feel guilty.

"I love you Marco. I always have. And I will always be here for you. I just don't think that Dylan should be more important then your own child that died what, two days ago? You really need to get your priorities straight." I slammed the phone down, expecting Marco to call me right back and apologize. That's what always happened when he was being a jerk to me. Well, it used to. Now I guess I'm not important to him anymore. I have Sean, and I love him so much, I just can't get over Zane's death as quick as I thought I could.

Out of the corner of my eye I could see my compass, still lying on the floor from last night. It tempted me so much. I shot off my bed and grabbed it, crossing my legs underneath me. So Marco thinks his life is so bad, just because his stupid boyfriend broke up with him? I'll show him.

_Are you holding out?  
__Are you satisfied I'm making confessions?  
__I'm moving on and you're just waiting around,  
__While you were down  
__And looking for someone to follow, misunderstood  
__I understood you so well.  
__If it helps to ease your mind  
__You're not putting me out tonight.  
__Don't you think you need some time?  
__I'm not putting you in tonight.  
__And it helps to know,  
__To know you're alone,  
__You're fucked up, just waiting for the call  
__And just like you, now and then  
__I cut myself to pieces and it rains,  
__It pours but it doesn't make any sense  
__Now you're crushing like cement  
_'_Til you find your perfect fit  
__To stand out from the rest  
__To shine on you the best.  
__Well we're all down,  
__Is it better now or are you still broken?  
__I'm moving on and you're waiting around._

I fought so hard not to cut myself. I really did. But how can I not? It's something I've known for a long time. It's me. The compass was right up to my skin, but I lingered there. Can I keep myself from doing it? Of course I can! No, I can't. I cut deep into my left arm. The pain was all let out through that cut. Maybe just one more. And another; another still. I realized I was opening all of my scars. ALL of them. A significant sized puddle of blood was forming on the floor.

"Ellie! I forgot my…" I heard Sean's voice calling from somewhere close. "Oh my God!" he yelled. "Ellie, hold on. Stay with me!" I heard him dialing 911 and felt his hand holding my head up.

**Sean**

I should have waited until Marco showed up. I shouldn't have left her alone. I shouldn't have told Mr. Simpson I'd help him out today. She was still healing. Why didn't I see it? Why couldn't I tell that her happiness was fake? I'm such an idiot. Now I'm sitting in the hospital holding her hand. She got here in time, they told me. She only needed some stitches here and there. She's going to be okay, they said. But I don't think she'll ever be okay. Not really.

"Sean," I heard her whisper. She squeezed my hand and startled me. "I'm so sorry Sean. I lied to you. I did it again. I'm sorry."

"Shh. Don't worry. Get some rest." She actually listened to me for once. She fell right asleep. Losing so much blood had to have worn her out. I called Mr. Simpson and told him that I couldn't help him out. When I explained the reason to him, he got all worried and said they'd all be right over. Great. I asked him if his wife knew how she could get the blood stain out of the carpet. I told him that I didn't want it to be a reminder to Ellie. Then he told me that he'd go straight to my apartment with Spike and get the stain out, and also that Emma would be over at the hospital in a few minutes. That's good, I think. I'm pretty sure Ellie and Emma have become friends recently. At least, I hope they have.

Sure enough, about five minutes later, Emma and Jay showed up. I forgot they were together. What surprises me the most about that relationship is that Jay hasn't gotten her to have sex with him. And he doesn't care. I can tell. It looks like he's in love. And I guess that's a good thing.

"So, she did it again huh?" Jay asked, almost afraid to approach Ellie's bed. Emma was already sitting down, holding onto her other hand.

"Looks that way, doesn't it?" I snapped at him. I could tell he was a little hurt by what I had said. "I'm sorry; I just don't know how to deal with all of this right now.

"Don't worry about it," Jay said, walking over and sitting down in a chair next to Emma. He grabbed her other hand and held it in his. Sometimes I got a little jealous of Jay. He's with Emma now, and they have no problems with their relationship. Whereas I'm with Ellie, and she has a whole bunch of problems. Now I feel really guilty for even thinking that. I'm such a jerk. I sighed and put my head in my hands. The moment my hand left Ellie's, she woke up. She was startled to see Emma and Jay, and quickly pulled the blanket over the arm I had been holding. It was the arm she cut up.

"Hey guys," she said sheepishly. "Thanks for visiting me."

"Ellie, are you gonna be okay?" Emma asked outright. She had always been like that. Never afraid to speak her mind.

"I don't know," she answered softly.

"The doctor said you could go home tomorrow. It took me a lot of convincing though. They wanted you to go to some institution, but I promised them that I would look out for you. This means that I'm not leaving you alone for a second," I explained.

"Can we have this discussion later?" she asked, obviously embarrassed that I was talking about it in front of her friends. Not like they didn't know she does it or something. I sighed.

"Sure."

"We should get going anyway Greenpeace," Jay said.

"You still call her that?" I asked, raising an eyebrow. I found that odd, but I didn't say it.

"Yeah, and you don't even want to know what I call him," Emma said, laughing. She gave Ellie a hug while I rolled my eyes. I watched them leave the room and turned back to Ellie. Yep, I'm definitely full of jealousy over those two. But I can't be. I have someone to take care of now.

_On the outside I look fine, but on the inside I am dying. _

**A/N: The little lyric right at the end there is from a Papa Roach song…and they own it. It refers to both Ellie and Sean, but of course more so Ellie. The song in here is "I Cut Myself, Too" by Gob and they own it. I've never heard of it before in my life, but I was just looking at a bunch of lyrics online and found them useful. If you think this is bad, just wait until the next couple of chapters. **


	15. Absent Elements

**Chapter Fifteen: Absent Elements **

**Ellie**

I'm done with cutting. I really am. Even though it feels great to release the pain through the cuts, it doesn't feel so great the next day. My arm has been throbbing for the past two weeks and I can't take it. I'm never going to cut again. Well, at least I won't do so many next time. I think I'd rather take a different approach. I don't want to be like my mother; I really don't. But I think I'll drink my sorrows away. It's better than almost dying of blood loss, isn't it?

I've been lying around in my room since I got home from the hospital. Sean would usually just lay there with me. He told Mr. Simpson that he couldn't work on his car unless he could bring me along. Of course, Mr. Simpson said that I could come if I wanted to, but I refused to go. I'm not going to sit and watch him do something so boring. So basically, he lies right next to me in my bed. He sleeps there every night, with an arm thrown around me protectively. I hate to say it, but I love the attention.

Until yesterday. Yesterday, Sean said something to me that really woke me up. I felt so guilty after he said it that I jumped right out of bed. My arm still hurt, but I helped him clean the apartment up and even cook some meals. This is what he had said to me:

"Has it occurred to you that I'm taking care of you every day, just like you used to take care of your mom?"

Of course, I was blown away that Sean even used the word 'occurred' but I felt so bad. I still remember what it was like to take care of my mom and watch her waste away. I also became extremely angry with Sean because my mom wasn't even given a chance. Sure, I despised the fact that I had to act like the mother, but she broke down when my dad left. She thought he was on a peace keeping mission, when he was really playing house with some girl. And then he killed her. And she was never given the chance to go to rehab and get better. That's why I got up yesterday. Sean really opened my eyes.

But if I wanted a chance, then why was I sitting here on my bed with four empty beer bottles surrounding me? I didn't even realize that I had drunk so many, but I did. And Sean's not here. Since I got up and started helping, Sean decided that he didn't have to stay with me. He did, however, make Emma come over and hang out with me last night and this morning. But Emma had some thing to go to tonight; I can't even remember.

So who was my current babysitter you ask? None other than Jay Hogart. And what was he doing? Why, he was drinking right alongside me.

"Jay, let's get out of here," I said, standing up and swaying to the side a little. "I want to do something fun."

"I can't drive. Let Greenpeace borrow the car." I almost found it cute the way he slurred his words.

"Let's walk then," I suggested, grabbing his hand and dragging him behind me. I left a note for Sean and we were off, walking the streets of Toronto, trying to find something good to do. I remember finding some club to let us in and buying some shots. But being as drunk as I was, that's all I can remember. The next thing I know, Sean is yelling at Jay and my head feels like it's going to explode.

"You were supposed to be keeping an eye on her! Not getting her drunk!" Sean yelled in Jay's face.

"I don't need a babysitter!" I yelled right back. I was angry with him. Now, I know it probably looked bad. Jay and I were in a tangled mess on my bedroom floor. But we didn't do anything last night. At least, I don't think we did.

"And for your information, I did keep an eye on her!" Jay yelled. "She's still alive isn't she?" That comment really pissed me off. Even though Jay was only making a point, I felt like everyone around me thought I was just going to kill myself. Of course, I understood where they were coming from, but I didn't really mean to even cut my arm up so bad. Did I?

"Well, while the two of you bicker like an old married couple, I'm going to get some breakfast." I stood up off the floor and realized that my shirt was missing. I saw it by my bed and grabbed it, shoving it on and wincing as it went over my cuts. I looked quickly at the clock. "How is it that you're yelling about this when you've just come home and it's ten in the morning?" I asked Sean angrily.

"I stayed over at Mr. Simpson's. I was working on the car really late so that I could have rent money for your information," he spat.

"So you stayed at Emma's house all night?" I raised my eyebrows and turned on my heels. I could hear Jay starting to bitch at Sean. Good, he deserves it. Before getting breakfast, I took a quick detour to the bathroom. My left shoulder was throbbing and I didn't know why. I carefully peeled my shirt off and looked in the mirror. Oh. So that's why it hurts.

I guess while I was drunk last night, Jay and I went to a tattoo parlor. On my left shoulder blade was his name tattooed into my skin. No, not Jay's name. Zane's. It said 'Zane' in bold black letters. I started to cry as I put my shirt back on, but was also happy that I would always have him close to me.

When I got to the kitchen, Jay was sitting at the table, eating a bowl of cereal. Sean was no where in sight.

"How's the tattoo?" Jay asked, smirking

"Great." I rolled my eyes and turned the stove on, preparing to make some eggs and bacon. "Where's Sean?" I asked.

"He left. After my accusations of what he could have done with Emma, he got all pissed off. Don't know where he could have gotten to. And I don't really care." He shrugged. "Whatever."

"Jay did we…" I trailed off.

"Do anything last night?" he finished the sentence for me. I nodded and he shrugged. "No clue. But I bet if we had sex it was the best of my life." My eyes widened and he started to laugh. "I'm joking. I distinctly remember shirts being ripped off and some heavy lip action, but nothing too serious. Although, I should get going. I'll have some explaining to do for Greenpeace."

"You don't feel bad that you cheated on her with me?" I asked suspiciously. I thought Jay had changed since he'd been with Emma.

"Technically, it wasn't cheating. It was only kissing. And we were drunk, so I obviously wasn't in my right mind. Besides, I'm a horny guy. I don't get much action as it is. She'll understand," he said, smiling.

"You're sick," I said. But when I turned back to the stove, I smiled. I almost thought Jay was 'the one' for me last night. I did remember a discussion we had before we got drunk."

**-Flashback-**

"_I just feel like no one understands me, you know?" I said to Jay. He had only been over for five minutes, and we were each starting on a beer._

"_I know what you mean. Emma's always trying to change me. I mean, I let her change some parts of me, but there are some things that I want to keep for myself," Jay said._

"_Yeah, same with Sean. And I feel like he just thinks I'm a huge mess. I don't know if he even wants to be with me after finding out about all my problems. He has been here for me, I know, but I feel like he just thinks that I cut myself because I feel like it. Or I do it for fun or something sick like that."_

"_But you really do it because it helps you exchange emotional pain for physical pain. And sometimes the physical pain really does hurt less," he said. I was speechless. "What? Surprised that I can actually get 'deep?' he asked. _

"_Yeah," I laughed nervously. "I think that maybe I'm just secretly full of hate for my father and sometimes even for Sean. And…" I trailed off._

"_Hate stains just as much as blood." I was astonished. It was like Jay took the words right out of my mouth. And that's when he leaned in and kissed me. And I kissed him back. _

**-End Of Flashback-**

"What are you smiling about?" Jay asked. With all my daydreaming, I hadn't realized that he was now standing behind me, with his arms around my waist. I pulled myself away.

"Nothing. Isn't it time you went home to Greenpeace?" I said, mocking him.

"Yeah, I guess you're right. See ya." He kissed me on the cheek and left. I shook my head and laughed out loud. Maybe Jay is right for me. What am I saying? I have Sean. And Jay has Emma. I can tell that he really does love her, despite the kissing last night. But that's just Jay. He's always been like that. And now I think I know why Emma loves him. She's lucky to have him. Yeah, so what? Maybe I am jealous. Just a little.

**A/N: So it seems that both Sean and Ellie are a little jealous of Emma and Jay's relationship. Maybe they'd like to switch places. Or maybe they just want to fix their relationship. You'll see what happens. The thing that Jay says: 'Hate stains just as much as blood,' is a line from a poem that I recently wrote. I wanted to throw it in there because it seemed relevant. **


	16. Screaming Infidelities

**Chapter Sixteen: Screaming Infidelities**

**Ellie**

Okay, so I have to admit that the alcohol didn't work out too well. All it did was make me do stuff with Jay and give me a horrible headache. I still don't know what my mother saw in that stuff. Anyway, I went to a party last night. I asked Sean to come with me, but he refused. I guess he's still mad about the whole drunken Jay thing. So I called Jay and he went with me. Emma was taking care of Jack so she had to stay behind. Pity.

So, my first party in Toronto was a little boring. I did end up in a corner with Jay and some pot. He had a few joints rolled in a baggie in his pocket. And we shared them all. I definitely have to say that pot is so much better than alcohol. It really is. I was laughing hysterically after a few hits as Jay and I were reminiscing about the other night. He kissed me a few times, but all of the kisses were sloppy and boring.

I woke up this morning feeling great. No puking my guts out; no hangover. I stretched and yawned, my arm bumping into something. Or should I say someone. Yep, it was Jay. Luckily, my door was closed and locked, and hopefully Sean wasn't here when we came in last night. I don't remember looking for him because I was so happy to be laughing with Jay. A knock on my door startled me and I fell right off my bed.

"Ellie?" Sean called from the other side of the door. "You in there?"

"Yeah!" I yelled to him. "Just a minute! I'm getting dressed!" I lied. I pinched Jay. Hard. I had my hand over his mouth so he wouldn't yell at me.

"You want some breakfast?" he asked. I pointed to the door so Jay would get the point.

"Sure, that sounds great!" Jay quickly got up and found his pants on the floor, pulling them on. And before it even comes to mind, no, we didn't have sex. He just said he'd rather sleep without them. Wow, I can actually remember what happened last night. And it's a really good feeling.

"Okay, I'll be right back!" Sean replied. Jay paused and we both held our breath until we heard the front door close. I let out a sigh of relief.

"That was close," I said. "I wouldn't have woken you up like that if I knew he was going to go out and get breakfast. Sorry," I apologized.

"That's okay. I better get going before Greenpeace decides to call my house." He kissed me hard on the lips before he left. I stared after him with my mouth hanging open. That was the second time that we kissed when we weren't drunk or high. Can I really be falling for Jay? But there's still Sean. Actually, now that I think of it, he hasn't been here very much lately. He's probably doing the same thing to me. Sean's voice ripped me away from my thoughts.

"I'm back!" he yelled from the kitchen. Shit. I still wasn't dressed. I got up and threw on a skirt and long-sleeved black shirt. I looked in my vanity mirror, fixed my hair, and quickly put on some makeup. I still look like crap, but whatever.

I walked into the kitchen and saw the table set. There were two cups of coffee and two plates, full of chocolate doughnut holes. It was the first breakfast that I had here. I felt a pang of guilt hit my stomach. I walked over to Sean, wrapping my arms around him. I kissed him on the cheek.

"Thanks," I whispered in his ear.

"I just wanted to say sorry," he said, surprising me.

"For what?" I asked him.

"For being so distant these past couple of days. I talked to Jay and he assured me that nothing happened between you two when I found you on the floor. I shouldn't have left you with him. I know you don't need a babysitter, I was just afraid for you," he explained. "I've been working on Simpson's car, so I haven't even seen you."

I felt like I was going to throw up, right then and there. I've been screwing around with Jay behind Sean's back, and he was working. I knew he wouldn't really do anything with Emma. I felt so stupid.

"I'm sorry too," I said.

"What are you sorry for?" he asked. I sensed a tiny note of suspicion in his voice.

"I'm sorry that I've been partying while you're out working. And I haven't been myself lately. I want everything to go back to the way it was before."

"Me too," he whispered in my ear. We kissed and then sat down, eating our breakfast in comfortable silence. When we were finished, Sean stood up and put his plate away.

"I have to get going. Work awaits." He kissed me on the cheek and I watched him walk away, out the door, to earn our rent money. What did I do to deserve Sean? I've been cheating on him and he's been working. And he doesn't even suspect a thing. I'm such an idiot.

**Sean**

As I walked over to Emma's, I silently screamed inside my head. Ellie deserves better than me. I knocked on the door and Emma answered it. I was about to reach for her hand when Jay appeared in the doorway behind her.

"What are you doing here Sean?" she asked me.

"I came to work on your dad's car," I lied.

"I'll go get him." As Emma walked away, I fought myself not to stare at her. Jay sat down on the couch and motioned for me to sit next to him.

"How's Ellie?" he asked. "Haven't seen her since, you know…"

"She's better I guess. No more alcohol," I didn't feel like talking to him about this. It was uncomfortable for some reason. "How's Emma?"

"Why do you ask that? You just saw her two seconds ago." I shrugged and Jay turned away from me to the television. Emma came back into the room and plopped down on Jay's lap, enveloping him in a huge hug and kissing him hard, shoving her tongue into his mouth. She had her eyes open; staring at me the entire time she kissed him. I smiled but she quickly closed her eyes before the kiss ended. Before I was tortured any longer, Mr. Simpson 'bounced' happily into the room.

"Good to see you Sean. I thought you'd never get around to fixing the car," he said. I lowered my gaze to the floor. When I looked up, Jay had a weird look on his face. I quickly stood up and followed Emma's dad outside.

**Ellie**

"You want to go to another party tonight?" I asked Jay over the phone. "I already asked Sean and he said he had to work all night on the car." Jay laughed into the phone. "What's so funny about that?" I asked him.

"Oh, he's probably working all night because this is the first time he's worked on it all summer."

"That's not true! He told me that he was sorry he's been so busy working," I protested.

"That's what he told you. Look, I'm not lying. Mr. Simpson said, 'Good to see you Sean. I thought you'd never get around to fixing the car,' when he came over Emma's today.

"Do you think that he…?" I trailed off.

"He's probably been with Emma the entire time. I don't think she's been babysitting as she said she has. Anyway, she's 'babysitting' tonight too, so I'd love to go to that party with you. I'll pick you up in an hour," he said.

"I'll be ready." I slammed the phone down and stormed into the bathroom to take a shower. I don't know why I'm so mad. I've been doing things with Jay. But Sean's with Emma? Why her? I thought we were friends? There I go, being a hypocrite again.

**Sean**

I worked on Simpson's car for a few hours, and then called Ellie with some lame excuse that I'd be there all night. Emma was playfully rubbing my leg the entire time I was on the phone with her. Her parents went out every night with Jack, and we had some alone time. Sure, I felt bad that I was doing this to Ellie, but she wasn't exactly around anyway. She goes to these parties now. And Jay's never with Emma at night because he told her he goes out with Towerz. Of course, now that I think of it, he could be with Ellie. Nah, she wouldn't do that to me. Would she? Wait, why do I care? I've really become such a hypocrite.

"Sean! I'm waiting!" Emma called from her bedroom. I was in the kitchen getting a drink of water. We hadn't done anything really serious; just make out. But she was a great kisser. And she actually wanted to be with me; unlike Ellie. But, then again, Ellie has gone through so much in her life that she needs me now more than ever. Or Jay could help her. "Sean!" Emma begged louder. I finally went back to her room, all thoughts of Ellie vanishing from my mind.

I climbed on top of Emma, kissing her from her mouth all the way down to her hand. She loved it when I did that. Then I did something that went farther then we had ever gone together. And she let me.

I pulled Emma's shirt right off. I had to admit; I was extremely horny. After seven months of living with Ellie and not getting any, I was sick of it. Of course, she was pregnant at the time, and then lost her baby, and a whole bunch of other things happened. But I was happy just being with her. With Emma, it was more like we had to do something sexual or I couldn't stick around.

"You okay?" Emma asked. I realized that I was spacing out while I lay right there on top of her. I was thinking of Ellie, and that's not good.

But, then again, being with Emma would be so much better; especially because she was a virgin. Now, I've only had sex with one person in my life, and that was Alex. But that was just revenge sex. And she wasn't a virgin, which made it better for me because she taught me stuff. But Emma was so sweet and innocent lying there that I had to do something.

**A/N: Will Sean and Emma have sex? Or will he stop because he feels guilty. Or will she stop him because she's not ready?**

**If anyone is wondering, it's supposed to be around the middle of June right now. I never said it, but Ellie's baby was due in the beginning of July, but since he died when she was eight months pregnant, it's June right now. ** **I realized that I haven't even mentioned school since Chapter 9…it's obviously not the central focus of my story. I'm just gonna say that they went to school normally, and when Zane died and Ellie gave birth, they were already out for the summer. **


	17. Sweet Suffocation

**Chapter Seventeen: Sweet Suffocation**

**A/N: I'm sorry that it's taken so long for me to write another chapter. My computer crashed and I had to use a recovery disk. It erased all of my hard drive, including all of my ideas for my stories. I had also started this chapter and it was deleted. So this is all from memory, and it sucks because I know the original chapter was much better. **

**Ellie**

Jay picked me up around nine. We were driving to the party in silence. A long time ago, he gave me a ride somewhere and the music was blaring. I told him that I didn't like it, and he never turned it on since. I found my hand closer to Jay as I rested it on his right leg. He looked at me and smiled. Then he put his hand on top of mine and held it. I leaned my head against the back of the seat and closed my eyes. How could something that was so wrong feel so right?

**Sean**

Emma is so irresistible without her shirt on. I pulled my shirt off and my hands traveled over her bare back as we made out. I reached down with one hand as I continued kissing her, undoing the button and then the zipper on her jeans. I slowly started to pull them down when she sat up and pushed me away.

"What's wrong Emma?" I asked her, a little confused.

"Sean…" she started to say.

"Look, you told me you were ready for this. It's okay if you're not, but I better just get going. Your parents will be home soon," I pointed out.

"No, never mind. I am ready. Keep going." Slowly, she lay back down on the bed and I started where I left off, pulling her pants off and throwing them to the floor. When she didn't do anything, I rolled my eyes and took my own pants off. I kept forgetting that she hadn't done this before. My hands trailed to her back again, and in one swift movement, I had her bra off. I threw that on the floor too, and kissed my way down to her breasts. I felt her flinch a little, but I knew she was just nervous. My lips found hers again, and while one hand was busy cupped around one of her breasts, the other hand slipped her underwear right off. By then I could tell that she was getting more comfortable because she ripped my boxers off. I reached up and switched the light off. We were in the dark except for a sliver of moonlight that lit up our faces.

From my experience with Alex, I knew that sex without a condom felt better for me, so I didn't mention anything to Emma. In the heat of the moment, she had forgotten too. I slipped myself inside her and saw her face twist in pain.

"Are you okay?" I whispered.

"I'm fine."

"Am I hurting you?"

"No." I could tell she was lying, but I couldn't stop. This was going to be one of the best nights of my life.

**Ellie**

I felt Jay shaking me and I opened my eyes. We were parked outside the house of the party.

"Sorry, I didn't think I'd fall asleep," I said.

"Don't worry about it." He got out of the car and opened the door for me. I followed him inside and we found a familiar corner, as usual. After sharing a joint, he got up to get us something to drink. He was gone for a few minutes when some random guy walked up to me, hands in his pockets, looking pretty sexy. He had black hair styled like Marco's and bright blue eyes.

"Hey," he said to me, pulling his hands from his pockets.

"Hi," I replied. When he didn't say anything for a minute, I spoke again. "Did you want something?"

"I noticed you sitting over here smoking with your boyfriend," he said, stepping closer.

"He's not my boyfriend, but what's your point?" I was getting a little annoyed.

"You just don't look very happy. And I think I have something to make you feel better. Much stronger than pot," he said. I sat up straight and listened, no longer annoyed. "Let me show you," he said, holding his hand out to help me up. I looked around quickly for Jay and didn't spot him. Taking the guy's hand, I followed him upstairs to the bathroom. He shut the door and locked it behind him, making me extremely nervous.

"I need to get out of here," I blurted out. Right, like that would work.

"Don't worry; I'm not gonna do anything to you. I just don't want to be interrupted." He smiled at me and my worries instantly dissolved. "My name's Ryder, by the way."

"I'm Ellie." I closed the lid on the toilet and sat down, watching Ryder intently. He pulled a small black case out of his pocket and opened it, emptying the contents on the counter. There was a little square mirror, a razorblade, and a little baggie. When I saw the razorblade, I instantly traced one of my scars with my finger. My stomach started to knot up, but I refocused my attention on Ryder. He poured a powdery white substance out of the baggie and it hit me. Cocaine. He wanted me to use cocaine. I froze up, wondering if I wanted to do this. He used the razorblade to form the cocaine into two neat lines and pulled a straw that was cut short out of his pocket. He used the straw to snort it up his nose and made it look easy.

"Um…" I started to say.

"It's okay; you don't have to do it. But you really don't know what you're missing," he said, holding the straw out to me. When I didn't take it, he withdrew his hand and turned away, about to snort the second line. What did I really have to lose? I already lost my child. I lost my mom, my dad, and my brother. I'm pretty sure I lost Sean too. But then there's Jay. Wait, why am I thinking of Jay? He has Emma.

"Wait!" I called out as he lowered his nose to the straw. Ryder gladly gave the straw up and I slowly walked over to the sink. My hand shook a little from nerves, and I felt stupid.

"Just take it slow," Ryder said, putting his arms on my shoulders and lightly rubbing them. "Calm down and do it," he whispered in my ear. I instantly flashed back to the moment Jay was in my kitchen with his arms around me. I bent down and quickly snorted the line, but fell backwards when I did. My nose was burning and I started to sneeze. I didn't even realize that Ryder was holding me up. He must have caught me when I stumbled back.

"Sorry," I mumbled.

"Don't worry about it. It happens to everyone their first time." He turned me around to face him and smiled. It seemed like the drug started to take effect when he smiled. I started to feel great. Better than I'd felt in a long time.

"Can I have some more?" I asked innocently. Ryder produced a smaller baggie from his pocket.

"How much money you got?" he asked. My face fell.

"I don't have any…"

"Okay, it's on the house, but only because I like you." He smiled and handed over the drug.

"Thanks," I said. I kissed him on the cheek and grabbed the bag. He turned and cleaned up his supplies while I looked for some of my own. I found a piece of cardboard in the trash can that would have to do. As for a razor, I couldn't find anything good, so I would just settle with my finger or something. And I could just use rolled up bills instead of a straw.

I happily exited the bathroom and went downstairs. I found Jay sitting in our corner, drinking from a water bottle. He looked bored and annoyed, but immediately brightened when I sat down next to him.

"Where have you been?" he asked.

"I was getting us something." I pulled the baggie out of my pocket, along with the cardboard and some money. Jay stared at me with a confused look on his face. I emptied the contents of the bag and began to form lines. It proved to only make four lines; two for each of us. I guess it would have to do. Jay was still staring at me, and watched me snort a line. I held the rolled up bill to him and he slowly took it.

"What the hell, it's just this one time, right?" I nodded my head, and then watched Jay snort his first line like he'd done it before. He didn't sneeze like I had.

"Not your first time?" I guessed.

"Nah. Tried it once before. But this is the last time, I swear." He smiled at me and I leaned in to kiss him. When we were done kissing, we snorted the remaining lines. I felt great; like nothing could ever hurt me. Ryder walked by and I casually waved at him. I burst out laughing for no reason, and Jay started to laugh with me.

"I gotta tell you something," I said to him.

"What is it?" he yelled, even though it wasn't very loud where we were sitting. I leaned towards him and whispered in his ear.

"I love you."

**Sean**

I fell back against one of the pillows and let out a huge, satisfied sigh. I turned to look at Emma, but she had her back to me. Shrugging my shoulders, I stood up and pulled my boxers and pants on. I walked around the bed to see Emma's face, but her eyes were closed. I leaned down and kissed her on the cheek.

"See ya," I whispered. I turned to leave, but felt her grab my arm.

"Sean…" she started to say.

"What is it?" I asked. She paused before speaking.

"Never mind." I could have sworn that I saw a tear fall from her eye, but I was too happy to really care. I had to get home before Ellie did. I originally told her that I was spending the night to work on the car, but since she was at a party, I figured I'd just go home. Besides, Spike and Snake would be getting home soon, and I didn't want to be there. I just had to get home first.

**Ellie**

Jay didn't say anything, he just stared at me.

"I better get you home before Sean. You told me you wanted to confront him about Emma," he said, finally breaking the silence. I turned my head, trying not to cry.

"You shouldn't drive while you're high," I said.

"I'm not. Two lines doesn't affect me like it affects you." He stood up and I followed him out to the car, still avoiding eye contact. "You don't really love me," he said once we got in the car. "It's the drugs talking."

"I guess you're right." I leaned my head against the window. Jay tried to take my hand once he had driven away, but I pulled my hand away and rested it in my lap. I closed my eyes, trying to keep the tears from falling. The cocaine was wearing off and I knew I had to get more soon. It was the only way for me to stay happy. Wasn't it?

**Sean**

I tried the doorknob to the apartment but it was locked. Good. She wasn't home yet. I used my key to let myself in. I was going to head straight to my room and crash, but I could see someone sitting on the couch. I flipped the light switch on, and there was Ellie, looking pretty pissed. And Jay was sitting right next to her. Shit.

**A/N: Kris: Yes, they did have sex like you wanted them to, but I already have this entire story planned out. Don't worry; I think you'll like it. But I'm not really thinking along the lines of revenge sex. And no one is moving anywhere; not yet. **


	18. This Is A Forgery

**Chapter Eighteen: This Is A Forgery**

**Ellie**

"Where the hell have you been?" I asked Sean as soon as he turned the light on.

"I told you I was working on the car late," he lied. "I was gonna sleepover there but then I decided to just come home."

"And where would you have slept?" I asked him. I could tell he was lying. He always played with his hat when he lied.

"On the couch; where else?"

"Don't you mean Emma's bed?" Jay interjected. I shot him a little look and he backed off.

"I can't believe you're lying to me Sean!" I yelled.

"Just because this idiot is saying shit, you're gonna believe him?" he asked me.

"This 'idiot' is your best friend, first of all. And I know what Mr. Simpson told you when he saw you. That he didn't think you'd ever get around to fixing his car. But you told me that's what you've been doing!" I started yelling more. "And, if you were even fixing the car tonight, then you'd at least have some grease on you or something!" I got up and walked over to him, right in his face.

"I was working on the car, and then…"

"And then you screwed my friend!" I yelled. "You smell like her fucking perfume Sean!"

"I didn't screw Emma, we were just…" Sean started to say, but I interrupted him again.

"You're such a liar! I know you did! I loved you so much, and you betrayed me just like everyone else. I thought you loved me too, but I guess you don't. I wanted things to work out between us but that won't happen now," I blurted out.

"Ellie, I do love you. And how do I know that you didn't do anything with Jay? You've been spending an awful lot of time with him at parties!" he shot back.

"You know what? We kissed while we were drunk. That's all. I turned to drinking because my baby died. I had no one to help me get through it. You're the one who decided to throw me to Jay because you didn't want to deal with me!"

"Ellie, I'm sorry…"

"Sorry isn't going to work Sean! Jay is the only one who has actually been there for me. He understands why I ever cut myself and why I wanted to drink and do drugs. I needed Zane, but he DIED and you couldn't help me through that. I loved you so much, but I can't be with someone who only cares about himself. You fucked Emma because I wouldn't have sex with you after losing a child! What is wrong with you?" I finished. Tears were pouring out of my eyes and all my makeup had all been wiped off.

"Ellie, I love you, I'm just not in love with you." I couldn't believe he said that. I stormed off to my room and slammed the door.

**Sean**

I can't believe I said it. I meant it; but I didn't really mean to say it. It just spilled out. As soon as Ellie's door slammed, Jay got up from the couch. He walked toward me; his fists balled.

"Did you fuck my girlfriend?" he asked me, spitting with anger. I don't know why I said what I said next, but I just blurted it out.

"Yeah, I did. It was the best fuck of my life!" Jay pulled his right arm back and pushed it forward, letting it connect with my stomach. I doubled over, but didn't fall down.

"That's for fucking Emma." Then he threw a right hook that hit me in the face. I dropped to the ground. "And that's for hurting Ellie." That was the last thing I heard before everything went black.

**Ellie**

About two minutes after I stormed off to my room, I heard a knock on the door.

"Leave me the hell alone if you know what's good for you!" I yelled.

"Ellie, it's me." I smiled as I heard Jay's voice.

"Come in." Jay let himself in and came over to my bed, where I was laying down, bawling my eyes out. I felt him lay down on the bed behind me, and he put an arm around me, pulling me close to him.

"Where is he?" I asked Jay, keeping my eyes closed.

"Sprawled out on the floor. I punched him in the face for you." Jay said. I smiled when he said it. It seems like everything he says or does makes me smile. He just makes me happy.

"Thanks," I said as I turned around to face him. I kissed him on the lips. Hard. I slipped my tongue into his mouth and we made out for what seemed like hours, but was really only a minute or two. It was the first time that I had made the first move; not Jay. We smiled at each other and then he kissed me. He reached down and put his hand up my skirt, resting it on my thigh. I felt comfortable with that action until he moved it farther up to take my underwear off. I instantly pushed his hand away and sat up.

"Jay, I…" but he interrupted me.

"Ellie, if you're not ready for this, that's fine. I don't care what we do, as long as I can stay."

"I'm not ready yet, but I do want you to stay," I told him.

"That's fine with me." He put his arm around me and kissed me on my forehead. We lay there together until we fell asleep. And I felt so safe in his arms.

**Sean**

I woke up an hour or so later, and it was four in the morning. My head hurt so bad that I just climbed onto the couch and fell asleep until nine. When I woke up again, I went into the kitchen and poured myself a glass of milk. I drank it in one huge gulp, and then headed to the bathroom to check out my face. I passed Ellie's room on the way and the door was open a few inches. I could see Jay with his arms wrapped around her. They were fast asleep. I felt so guilty. I know that I really hurt her. But I want to be with Emma now.

I looked in the mirror and groaned. I had a black eye and the bruise spread down over my right cheek. Luckily, he didn't break my nose. I guess he really cares about Ellie. That's actually good for me because that must mean that he's done with Emma.

I went into my bedroom and changed into some clean clothes. I wasn't sure what to do about Ellie at the moment, but I knew that I had to go see Emma. I left the apartment and made my way over to Emma's house. When I got there, her mom answered the door.

"Sean? What happened to your face? Are you okay?" she asked me, her voice full of concern.

"I'm fine, really. I just need to talk to Emma," I told her, trying to avoid confrontation.

"She's in her room, you can just go see her," she told me. I was glad that she didn't want to be in the living room with us or something. I headed to Emma's room and found her on her bed with headphones on. She took them off and sat up.

"Sean, what happened?" she asked. Before I could even answer her, she spoke again. "Listen, you can tell me later. I really need to talk to you. Sean, last night was…" this time I interrupted her.

"Last night was amazing," I blurted out. "One of the best nights of my life." I saw her face fall, but I didn't really connect it with what I had just said.

"Actually, that's not what I was going to say," she said.

"Oh." That was all I managed to say.

"I was going to say that last night was a mistake." This time it was my face that fell.

"What do you mean?" I asked. I couldn't believe that she just said it.

"Sean, I cheated on my boyfriend with you. I lost my virginity to you and it may have been great for you; but all it did was cause me pain. Both emotional and physical."

"I'm sorry Emma. I didn't mean to hurt you." I said.

"No Sean, all you were thinking about was yourself. I was crying the entire time, but you were just trying to get a good fuck. I wasn't ready for that. And I completely regret it. I want to be the one to tell Jay. I don't want him to hear it from someone else."

"He already knows," I told her.

"What do you mean?" I pointed at my face, and she gasped.

"He was waiting with Ellie when I got home this morning. He pretty much guessed so I told him."

"Great, he probably hates me now," Emma said, her eyes tearing up.

"He really cares about Ellie. I mean, they haven't done anything, but I guess he's been there for her while we've been doing things behind their backs," I informed her.

"I feel horrible," Emma said and started to cry.

"He'll probably break up with you. Ellie already broke up with me. I was just hoping that we could…" Emma interrupted me again.

"Sean, we can't be together. Even if Jay breaks up with me, it wouldn't work between us. I thought I loved you Sean, but the way you acted last night just destroyed any love that I felt for you. You should probably go now."

"I'll leave," I told her. "But I'm probably going to work on your dad's car. For real this time." I headed off to find Mr. Simpson so that I could finally get my job done. I lost two girls that I really cared for. And it's all my fault.


	19. Standard Lines

**Chapter Nineteen: Standard Lines**

_Which of the bold faced lies will we use? __  
__I hope that you're happy, you really deserve it, __  
__This will be the best for us both in the end. _

_But your taste still lingers on my lips  
__Like I just placed them upon yours  
__And I starve,  
__I starve for you. __  
__But this new diet's liquid  
__And dulling to the senses. __  
__And it's crude but it will do. _

_Which of the standard lines will we use? __  
__I've been meaning to call you.  
__I've just been so busy. __  
__We'll catch up soon. __  
__Let's make it a point to._

_And your taste still lingers on my lips  
__Like I just placed them upon yours  
__And I starve,  
__I starve for you. __  
__But this new diet's liquid  
__And dulling to the senses. __  
__And it's crude but it will do. _

**Ellie**

I woke up the next morning feeling surprisingly happy. Jay's arms were still around me and he had been watching me sleep. I smiled and playfully messed up his hair. He kissed me in retaliation and then we lay on the bed for a few more minutes.

"I need a shower," he complained, finally breaking the silence.

"You know where the bathroom is," I told him, smiling. He got off the bed and headed towards the door. He turned back before leaving. "You coming?" he asked me. I couldn't tell if he was serious or joking, but I shook my head and he smiled, leaving the room. I was really tempted to follow him, but I stayed where I was. After five minutes of lying on my bed, I jumped up and quickly changed my clothes. I sprayed myself with perfume and put some deodorant on; hopping back on the bed just in time for Jay to stroll in, wearing nothing but a towel around his waist.

"Better?" I asked, trying not to stare.

"Much better," he replied. He walked towards the bed and flopped down next to me. "Now, where were we?"

I couldn't resist myself. I climbed right on top of him and began kissing him; from his lips, down to his stomach. I stopped myself at the edge of the towel. Without thinking, I reached down to unzip my jeans, but Jay put his hand on mine to stop me.

"Are you sure about this?" he asked.

"Positive." Jay's mouth spread into a grin and I let him take my pants off. But he didn't get very far. Right after my jeans had just passed over my hips, Sean appeared in the doorway. Apparently he was home.

"Wow, um...I'll come back later then."

I was so embarrassed. I mean, we were broken up and everything, but it seemed like it just happened. Maybe that's because it did.

"Sean, wait." But he didn't listen. He walked away, into his room. I started to follow him, but felt Jay's hands catch me around my waist.

"Are you really gonna follow him? After all that shit he put you through?"

"Jay, I need to end this," I said, staring him in the eye. I felt his hands slip down; I knew he trusted me.

I let my room, closing the door behind me. Then I walked across the hall and found Sean lying on his bed. I leaned against the door frame and sighed. He must not have notices I was there because his head snapped up in my direction.

"Listen Sean...about what you said last night..." I started to say, but he cut me off.

"I'm sorry," he said, sitting up on the edge of his bed. I sat next to him and held onto his hand. The gesture was merely a friendly one, but it still felt uncomfortable. I realized then how little contact we had even shared throughout our entire relationship.

"Actually, I needed to hear it. Thanks."

"You're thanking me?" he asked, extremely confused.

"Yeah, I am. Because I feel the same way. I do love you, but I'm not in love with you. It feels good to say it." I let out a huge sigh of relief.

"Are you in love with Jay?" he asked me quite suddenly. I paused before answering.

"I think I might be," I told him.

"I never wanted to hurt you. You know that, right?" he asked.

"Yeah, I do." Sean let go of my hand and motioned toward my room.

"He's waiting for you in there," he said.

"Sean, promise me that we'll stay friends?" I asked, hopeful.

"I promise." He kissed me on the forehead and nudged me off the bed. I slowly made my way to my room and didn't look back.

**Sean**

Friends. That actually has a nice ring to it.

**Ellie**

I got back in my room and Jay was waiting for me by the door.

"You're not leaving, are you?" I asked him.

"Ellie, let's face it...the moment's over." He sighed and squeezed my hand. Then he kissed me at the top of my nose, right in between my eyes.

"Don't go," I whispered in his ear, pulling him close to me.

"I have to."

"You're leaving naked?" I asked, my lips forming into a smile.

"No, I'm taking the towel with me. And I have clothes in my car," he added.

"When will you be back?"

"I don't know. But there's a party tonight; you up for it?" he asked.

"Of course," I told him. I kissed him softly on the lips. He turned to leave, but stopped in the hallway and threw something at me. I caught it before it hit me in the face. His favorite shirt. I smiled and smelled it; taking all of his essence in. By the time I looked up, he was gone.

**Jay**

I drove home in silence, no music playing. The way Ellie liked it. But Ellie wasn't even there. What is this girl doing to me? What happened to the jay that went to the Ravine every night? The Jay that used girls and tossed them away. That cheated on his girlfriend with more than one person. Now that I think about it, that was never the real me. Except I'm the only one who knows it. Well, maybe Ellie does. And it sucks that it took my girlfriend cheating on me to bring the real Jay to the surface. But now I have Ellie. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

**Ellie**

I did something that I haven't done in the longest time. Immediately after taking a shower, I called Marco. It was so nice to hear his voice. Now I'm on my way to his house. I knocked on the door and Mrs. Del Rossi answered it.

"Ellie! It's so nice to see you. It's been so long and we've all missed you so much!"

"I missed you too," I told her, giving her a friendly hug.

"How have you been?" she asked me. "I hope that boy had been good to you. And you're being good over there," she added.

"Yes, he's been good to me. We're just friends; don't worry."

"Well, Marco is up in his room waiting for you. I hope you'll stay for dinner; we'd love to have you."

"That would be great; thanks," I replied and headed up to Marco's room. As soon as I walked in, he gave me a huge hug.

"I'm so glad you're here El. It seems like we haven't talked in such a long time," he told me.

"That's because we haven't," I said, sitting down on his bed.

"Tell me what you've been up to!" he squealed, sitting down next to me.

"Sean and I broke up yesterday," I said quietly.

"Oh, I'm so sorry. What happened?" he asked, all concerned. I realized then how much I had missed being with Marco.

"He cheated on me with Emma. They had sex," I told him.

"What a little asshole! Here you are, going through so much, and he cheats on you?" Marco was really angry and looked like he wanted to punch someone.

"It's okay, really. Well, it's not okay that he cheated on me, but it's okay that we broke up. I'm in love with someone else." Marco's eyes got wide when I said that, and before he could ask, I told him. "No, it's not you."

"Then who is it?" he asked, eager to hear the gossip.

"Jay," I whispered, looking down at my hands.

"Jay Hogart? Ellie! He's disgusting; he's a bottom feeder, a low-life, pathetic little…"

"Just shut up already!" I yelled, tears forming behind my eyes. "He's the only one who's been completely there for me since Zane died!" I screamed. I though Marco would get mad, but he just stared at me. Then he threw his arms around me and squeezed me hard.

"El, I'm so sorry. I realize that I should have spent more time with you. I should have been there for you like any best friend would. You don't need him anymore though, I'll help you get back on track," he told me.

"Marco, don't you get it? I do need him and he's there for me. I love Jay, and those feelings aren't just gonna go away, whether you pay more attention to me or not. This isn't a cry for help; I'm just letting you know what's going on in my life. You're supposed to support me!" I let my tears out, causing Marco to feel worse. Before he could say anything else, his mom called up the stairs.

"Marco! Ellie! Dinner's ready." I shot off his bed and into the bathroom, wiping my eyes and fixing my makeup. I quickly walked downstairs and ate dinner in silence. I made up an excuse that I had to get home because Sean didn't have his key tonight, remembering to thank Mrs. Del Rossi for the wonderful dinner. I left as fast as I could, not bothering to look back at Marco. I walked home, and when I got there, I was relieved to find Jay's car parked outside the apartment building, waiting for me. I ran up to his car and he got out. I threw my arms around him and hugged him tight.

"What was that for?" he asked, smiling.

"I'll tell you about it later. Let's just go to the party." I jumped in the car and Jay shut the door behind me before getting in and driving away. I needed a break from my life. And I never knew the party would get so intense. But I was dying to fit in and dying to feel better.

**A/N: The song is "Standard Lines" by Dashboard Confessional. They own it. **


	20. Carve Your Heart Out Yourself

**Chapter Twenty: Carve Your Heart Out Yourself**

_Man it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has  
__Lord it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreamt at all_

**Ellie**

Once we made it to the party, Jay and I actually did something different. Instead of going straight to a corner, Jay grabbed my hand and dragged me out into the middle of the living room. We started dancing together like everyone else, grinding against each other to the beat of the music. Someone put a slow song on after a few fast ones, and Jay pulled me close to him, holding me tight. I laid my head on his shoulder and his hands slid down to rest on my butt. I felt like I was at a school dance. I looked around to see if anyone was staring at us, but then remembered we weren't at school and no one cared. No one knew who we were.

After that one slow song, the music sped up and Jay and I were grinding again. It felt so good to be with him, and even better to be rubbing up against him that way. Not only did it feel good; it felt right. A few hours later, Jay separated from me to find us some water. But I was thirsty for something else. I told him that I was going to go find us a place for us to be alone, but I lied. I was looking for someone. And then I found him in an upstairs bedroom.

"Ryder, hey!" I said, all excited.

"Oh hi…" he stopped, he had forgotten my name.

"Ellie," I said.

"Yeah, hi Ellie. What's up?"

"I need some," I said bluntly.

"Some what?" he asked. He can't be that stupid, can he?

"Come on, I haven't had any in like two days! Coke you idiot," I told him.

"Oh, right. How much money did you bring?" he asked. Damnit! I forgot all about the money.

"I really need it! But I don't have any money." Ryder frowned. "It's the only thing that can take my problems away!" I yelled. Then I thought of Jay. He makes me happy. But Zane is always at the back of my mind. And maybe Marco was right.

"Well, you have to pay me somehow," he said. "Or no coke. I can't just give it away for free." This time it was my turn to frown. I had no idea what she could give him.

"There's only one thing I'll take instead of money," Ryder said, grinning.

"I am not going down on you," I said in an annoyed tone.

"Chill out, that's not exactly what I was thinking…" he trailed off, lifting an eyebrow at me.

"You want me to have sex with you?" I hissed. "Forget it."

"Then I'm sorry, but no coke. I can't give it away. It's too expensive. I'll see you later," he said, turning his back to me and snorting a line. I looked at the white power longingly. I wanted it. No, I needed it.

"Fine, but it'll only be this one time," I said, looking down.

"You need to know right now that if you get addicted to this stuff, it won't be one time. Unless of course, you actually bring money the next time. And it doesn't seem like you have a job," Ryder told me.

"I'm not going to get addicted. This is my last time," I told him.

"Shut the door and lock it." I did as he told me to and then walked over to the bed, sitting down next to him. I nervously twirled my hair in my finger, and Ryder came at me, kissing me on the lips.

"No kissing," I said, backing away from him. He simply shrugged his shoulders and laid me down, putting himself on top of me. He reached up under my skirt and pulled my underwear down, then whipped his pants and boxers off in one swift movement. It made me think of the first and only time I'd had sex; with Marco. But then that made me remember Marco's reaction when I told him I loved Jay. That just made me angry. So I had sex with Ryder.

I greedily grabbed the baggie of cocaine he waved in front of my face when we were done. He put his clothes back on and walked from the room as if nothing had happened. I put my underwear back on and sat on the bed, staring at the bag. It was my release. I dumped a little onto the nightstand next to the bed, made a line, and snorted it quickly. I immediately started to feel the effects of the drug, and I felt at peace with my decision. Then a figure in the doorway made me jump. I shoved the bag in my sweatshirt pocket and wiped my nose off.

"There you are. I've been looking all over for you," Jay said as he walked into the room. I let out a sigh of relief. He hadn't seen the cocaine. I jumped right on him, knocking him down on the bed and started making out with him. It was him that I wanted; not Ryder. I reached down to unbutton his pants, but he stopped me.

"What's wrong? I thought you wanted this," I said to him.

"I do. I just don't like the idea of having sex in someone else's bed. It's just creepy. I thought maybe we could go back to your place," he explained.

"Oh, yeah, sure. Just let me go to the bathroom really quick," I said. I jumped off the bed and went down the hall to the bathroom I had passed earlier. I locked the door behind me, set up a few lines on the counter, and sucked them all up into my nose. There. That felt much better. I looked in the mirror to make sure I didn't leave any evidence on my face. Then I ran out of the room, shoving the bag back into my pocket. I followed Jay to the car and we drove away.

Finally we got back to the apartment. I unlocked the door as fast as I could. We flew past Sean who was sitting on the couch watching television. I waved to him and he smiled a little. I could tell he was uncomfortable with this, but I had to be with Jay. I shut my bedroom door behind us and locked it. Jay lay down on my bed and pulled me on top of him. I kissed him hard and he pulled my skirt right off.

"Wait a minute," I said. Jay frowned and propped himself up by his elbows. "I just need to use the bathroom," I told him. I could feel the drug wearing off already. Not that I needed it to be with Jay; I definitely wanted to do that. I needed it to feel good. Because as soon as it wore off, I would be thinking about Zane. And I didn't want to lose it at a time like this.

I closed the bathroom door and pulled my little baggie out of my pocket. I arranged the last of its contents into three lines. Snorting two up quickly, I paused before I finished the last one. I didn't want it go to waste. That's when Jay walked in.

"What are you doing?" he yelled. I guiltily wiped the powder from my nose and looked down at the ground. "You need that shit to be with me?" He looked really hurt. And that's because he was.

"No! It's not like that Jay!" I started to cry, but it didn't work on him.

"I'm outta here," he said, storming out of my room and slamming the door behind him.

"JAY!" I yelled after him. But he didn't come back. I turned to face the cocaine, one line left, right there next to the sink. I wanted to feel good, didn't I? I snorted the last line up and immediately forgot about our fight. I felt happy again. I needed the drugs. It was the only way to help me. I pulled my skirt back on and decided to go watch some TV. Skipping (yes, skipping) into the living room, I plopped down on the couch next to Sean.

"What happened?" he asked me. I could tell he was confused. He knew we fought, but could tell that I was happy.

"Nothing really. It's okay now," I flashed a cheesy grin at him and he tried to smile back. I didn't care. Sean shrugged his shoulders and turned back to the TV. He changed the channel and we started watching MadTV. I laughed extremely loud at every scene. Sean looked over at me after ten minutes.

"Are you okay?" he asked me.

"Yeah, I'm fine, why wouldn't I be?" I asked. Another cheesy grin, followed by another shoulder shrug. Everything continued that way, watching the show and laughing, for a half hour. Then the drugs started to wear off. Great. All of a sudden, I stopped laughing. The fight with Jay started to sink in. I slumped down on the couch and frowned.

"Now what's wrong?" Sean asked. He's so nosy.

"Just get off my case will ya?" I said in a bitchy tone.

"Geez Ellie. Chill out."

"Sean, don't talk to me that way." I stomped off to my room, shutting the door. I opened the door again, and this time, slammed it shut. Then I threw myself onto my bed and burst into tears. Why did I have to do it? Why? I ruined everything and now Jay hates me. No he doesn't. He cares about me. I'm such an idiot. I hate myself. I don't even have any cocaine left to make me love myself again.

I reached under my bed and found my compass. I needed to do it. I had to. I pulled up my sweatshirt sleeve and looked at the scars on my arm. Should I open one up? Or maybe I should just make a new one. Decisions, desicions.

"Ellie, NO!" I jumped.

"Sean what's your problem?" I yelled at him.

"That's not a way to solve things," he said, walking over to me. He grabbed the compass from my hands and shoved it in his pocket. I knew he'd probably get rid of it later. "Listen Ellie, I still care about you; you're my best friend. Well, pretty much my only friend. Just tell me what's going on. I'm here to help."

"I don't know what's going on. I screwed everything up." I let the tears pour from my eyes. Sean pulled me close to him and hugged me. I needed that hug. I let myself collapse into his chest and cried. After what seemed like hours, but was probably only a few minutes, Sean spoke.

"Just call him," he whispered in my ear. Then he looked in my eyes and smiled. "Call him," he repeated.

"Thanks," I said quietly.

"You want me to leave you alone?" he asked me.

"Yeah, thanks again Sean. I needed that." Sean left the room, but I noticed that he left the door open. I knew I should call Jay and try to make peace with him, but I couldn't really bring myself to. While I thought about it, my cell phone rang. I looked at the caller id. Marco. Why was he calling anyway? "Hello?" I answered, not really wanting to talk.

"Ellie, please don't hang up," he said quickly.

"Tell me why I shouldn't."

"I'm calling to say that I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have said those things about Jay. I could tell by your reaction that you really do love him. I want us to be close again El. I want to still be with my best friend. I love you, you know that right?"

"Yeah, I do. And I forgive you. A lot of people make assumptions about Jay, but I think I'm the only one that knows what he's really like. Do you want to hang out or something? I could use a night away from here," I said to him, hoping that he'd have something to do.

"I can't tonight. I've got to go over to my cousin's house, but we should definitely hang out tomorrow okay? Call me as soon as you wake up," he told me.

"Okay, I will. I love you Marco."

"I love you too Ellie." I hung up the phone and decided to go to bed. It was already midnight and I was tired. I also wondered why Marco was going to his cousin's house this late, but I guess he was just having a sleepover or something like that.

I pulled all my clothes off and stood there in my bra and underwear. I quickly checked the pockets of my sweatshirt before throwing it in the laundry basket. I felt a piece of paper and pulled it out. There was a phone number scrawled on it; handwriting that I didn't recognize. I decided to call the number out of curiosity. I pulled my cell phone out of my purse and sat down on my bed. I dialed the number and waited. After four rings, a guy picked up.

"Hello?" I asked. The voice sounded a little familiar.

"I take it you found my number in your sweatshirt."

**A/N: The quote from the beginning is from the song "Carve Your Heart Out Yourself" by Dashboard Confessional. They own it. **

**Thanks for all my reviewers who actually show some sort of respect by not insulting me! **

**Review from Maeve: **I like it so far, but you make yourself sound really stupid when saying that Ottawa is "is on the border of Ontario and Quebec" because anybody whos not an idiot knows that Ottawa is the capital of Canada and where it is. Especially if you live in Ontario.

**Okay, I don't like the fact that you left that review to me, calling me stupid and basically saying I'm an idiot because of one thing that I wrote. I've never been to Canada or even learned about it and didn't know that…so yeah, I don't appreciate that and if you're just going to leave nasty reviews, then don't read my story.**


	21. If You Can't Leave It Be

**Chapter Twenty-One: If You Can't Leave It Be, Might As Well Make It Bleed **

**Ellie**

"Ryder?" I asked.

"Who else?" he replied.

"Wow, I'm glad it's you actually, and not some psycho guy who thought I was hot or something," I said.

"How do you know I'm not a psycho?" he asked. I didn't know what to say to that, so I was silent. Then he started laughing. "I'm joking."

"I'm also glad it's you because I'm out of cocaine," I said.

"You really need to learn how to use that stuff sparingly. I gave that to you like an hour and a half ago," he said in a bored tone. "Besides, I thought that was your last time," he added.

"I thought so too. But I need it really bad." I whined.

"You know the price," was all he said.

"Can you give me your address or something?" I asked him.

"Actually, I'm having company over in a little while," he told me. "How about a rain check?"

"I need it now!" I said, raising my voice. "I'll be quick," I added.

"Well, I supposed I could use a bit of fun. Just hurry up okay?" he told me his address, and luckily, I knew the street. It was only a few minutes' walk away from the apartment. I threw my clothes back on and told Sean I was going out. He assumed I was going to Jay's but I didn't tell him any different. Excited by the prospect of getting more coke, I hurried over to Ryder's house and rang the doorbell.

"Come in!" I heard him yell from somewhere in the house. I ripped the door open and went inside. The house was pretty nice but a little small. It was all one floor, and I found Ryder in the back bedroom, lying on the bed with just his boxers on. "Gotta make this quick," he said.

Not bothering to close the door behind me, I walked into the room, pulling my skirt and underwear off. I climbed right on top of him and got to work. I was so happy about getting my fix that I started kissing him. I'm sure he didn't mind. My sweatshirt, shirt, and bra ended up flying off somewhere along the line.

"Ellie?" someone yelled in surprise. The voice came from behind me, in the bedroom doorway. I jumped up and whirled around, wrapping myself in a sheet as I went. I felt Ryder slip something into my hand. I realized it was a baggie.

"Marco?" I yelled back. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"I came to see my cousin," he shot back, glaring at Ryder. "What are _you_ doing here?"

Now it all made sense. My eyes widened as I stared at Ryder. That's why he always reminded me of Marco; they were related! What am I going to do? I don't need Marco finding out why I was here. We just made up, and now he's gonna hate me again.

I couldn't answer him. I didn't know what to say. So I fell silent, staring at the bed. I was suddenly ashamed of myself. I realized for the first time what I was actually doing. I realized that my actions had terrible consequences. What would happen if Jay found out? I love him.

"Ellie, can I talk to you?" he asked. I realized that Ryder had pulled his boxers on and was getting off the bed. And there was no way to get away from Marco.

"Let me get dressed first," I finally said. Marco and Ryder left the room. I could hear raised voices outside the room after he closed the door. I quickly pulled all my clothes on and put the cocaine in my pocket. I got what I came here for. But suddenly, I didn't feel so good about it. Even so, I had to have some. It would make everything better. I arranged three lines right there on the floor and sucked them up into my nose. Putting everything away and wiping up the evidence, I walked out of the room with a smile on my face. Marco grabbed my arm to bring me to his car. I wrenched free of his grip when I noticed Ryder motioning to me. I ran over to him with Marco watching me.

"You did good," he whispered in my ear, smirking at Marco over my shoulder. He kissed me hard, discreetly slipping me another baggie while he did.

"Thanks," I said, smiling up at him.

"You know where to come if you need more," he said. Shoving the baggie in my pocket, I turned back to Marco who was glaring at both of us. I reluctantly got in his car and he sped away from Ryder's house.

"What's wrong with you!" he yelled. "You're on drugs now, is that it?"

"No!" I yelled, equally angry.

"Stop lying to me Ellie! I stopped by your apartment tonight, before I came to my beloved cousin's house. Sean told me you just left. Then I ran right into Jay when I was leaving. He started babbling about how he was worried about you because you were always high when you went to parties. And you're high right now! What are you taking Ellie?"

"I'm not taking any drugs Marco. Leave me alone. It's not like you care anyway!" We were at a stoplight and I realized that this was my chance. I threw open the car door and ran. I ran until I got back to the apartment, never looking back. Marco never called after me and he never tried to follow me.

Sean wasn't around when I got inside. He must have already been asleep. I went straight to my room and locked the door. I shoved the cocaine in my pillowcase. Then I pulled all my clothes off and got into bed. This isn't fun. I need fun. I pulled the smaller baggie out and emptied its contents, forming four lines. Once they were all gone I felt better. Much better. I knew it would make me happy.

**Jay**

"I tried to confront her about it, but she ran from the car." His words hit me like a ton of bricks. If Marco can't get through to Ellie, then I don't think anyone can.

"What am I going to do?" I asked him. It was five o'clock in the morning. I didn't sleep at all last night.

"Look, I found her with my cousin last night. I think he's her dealer," Marco told me.

"Your cousin is a drug dealer?" I asked skeptically. "How'd that happen?"

"His parents died when he was little. It left him pretty messed up. All I know is that he was bounced around in foster care until he was eighteen. No one adopted him. Now he's bought his own house from all the drug money. I went over his house because I just wanted to see him. We haven't talked in a few years. He used to be my best friend when we were little," Marco explained.

"How old is he now?" I asked him. I was a little curious.

"Nineteen. He's addicted to cocaine and who knows what else. I think Ellie's addicted too…" he added.

"She can't be addicted already, can she?"

"You mean you knew about this before last night?" he asked me.

"Yeah. Well, I didn't know she was just doing drugs. We tried it at a party a few days ago. I should have seen it sooner. I'm such an idiot." I said.

"She needs help," Marco told me.

"I know she does. But how am I gonna convince her of that?"

**Ellie**

I woke up around seven o'clock. I stretched and yawned. Last night was such a blur. I had a fight with Jay, ran off to Ryder, got drugs, was caught by Marco, and then ran away from him. I hope he doesn't tell Jay. But then again, why would they even talk? They don't each other at all.

What's more surprising is that Ryder is Marco's cousin. How did that work out? Marco's family members are all saints. And then there's Ryder, a drug dealer, who's probably addicted to every drug he sells. At least I'm not addicted. Am I? Nah, I couldn't be. I can live without this stuff. I pulled my remaining bag out from my pillowcase. I turned it around in my hands, and then threw it at the wall. The bag fell to the ground, and some powder spilled out. Instantly, I jumped up and ran over to my spilled drug. I'm not addicted; I just don't want it to go to waste.

I pushed as much of the powder back into the bag as I could, then stood up. I came face to face with my son; his picture right in front of my eyes. He looked so beautiful, so peaceful. But he's dead in that picture. He's dead and I'll never get to see him again. Never. He won't take his first steps, or say his first words. I'll never hear his voice. I hope he knows how much I love him.

I collapsed onto the floor and pulled my knees to my chest. Rocking back and forth, tears poured from my eyes. Why did he have to die? My son. Marco's son. Our little baby boy. He would be a month old now. I couldn't stop crying. I had always missed Zane and wished he was still alive. But this was the first time I let my emotions out. The first time I truly thought about him and cried.

I know how to make myself feel better. It's the last bag; I'm gonna promise myself that. No more. I got a book from my bookshelf and brought it over to my bed. I quickly started to arrange lines on it. I won't have to think about Zane. He'll always be in my heart, but I won't have to cry for him. I went into the kitchen and found a straw. Taking the scissors, I cut a section out of it. Then I brought it back to my room and lowered it to the book.

**Marco**

Wow. I actually had a heart to heart with Jay. It seems so strange to even think about that. But I know that he really cares about Ellie. He might even love her as much as I do. Or more. We decided that the two of us should go talk to her together. We might also talk to Sean.

Right now we're driving over there. It's eight o'clock in the morning. I hope Ellie's okay. She was really upset with me last night. And there's no telling how much cocaine she got from Ryder. We have to hurry. Her life could be in danger.

When we arrived at the apartment, my first instinct was to knock on the door. But then I realized that I didn't need to bother with that. I burst into the living room with Jay right behind me. Sean jumped up at the intrusion. He was about to protest but I silenced him with a wave of my hand.

"Sean, we need to talk to you," I told him.

"Did you really need to burst into my home like this?" he asked.

"Yeah, actually we did," Jay butted in. "Look, it's about Ellie."

"Did she call you?" Sean asked Jay. "I know you two had a fight. She was really upset about it and I told her to call you and just talk to you."

"No, she didn't," Jay said.

"Sean, she's on drugs!" I said suddenly.

"What?" he looked like he was going to pass out.

"She's been getting cocaine from this guy we met at a party," Jay said. We had both agreed that people didn't need to know he was my cousin.

"We think she's addicted," I added.

"She's been locked in her room all morning. I know she's awake, but she won't answer me," Sean said. "I could hear her talking to someone earlier, but I don't know who."

"We need to get in there," I said. "Do you have a key or something?"

"No but I can pick the lock," Sean said. He did just that and we burst into Ellie's room to find her lying on the floor in a t-shirt and underwear.

"My shirt," Jay commented. He went over to her and knelt down. "Ellie, we want to talk to you." But she didn't say anything. She didn't even acknowledge his presence. Instead, she stared straight up at the ceiling. She was sweating. I walked over and put my hand to her forehead. She was burning up. I looked into her eyes and noticed that her pupils were dilated.

"Something's wrong," I said. I looked up at Sean and he already had Ellie's phone in his hand. He called 911 and started panicking. He was babbling into the phone. I took it from him and explained to the dispatcher what I believed had happened. I told him we needed an ambulance, and gave the address. When I hung up the phone, I realized Ellie was speaking.

"I need more," she said. But she wasn't talking to any of us. She was still staring straight ahead. "What do you mean you don't have any? You have to have some; you always do!" she screamed.

"What's wrong with her?" Jay asked. There was genuine fear in his eyes.

"She's having auditory hallucinations. She thinks she's talking to Ryder," I said quietly. All of a sudden, Ellie closed her eyes. Then she started seizing. She had no control over her body as she thrashed around on the floor. I cleared the area around her so she wouldn't hurt herself. Jay and Sean stared at her. I could see tears in Jay's eyes.

_What you found sure upset you,  
__Never saw it coming did you?  
__It's easy to be surprised  
__With both your eyes sewn closed._

_Handled with great precision,  
__Another faultless execution,  
__You're the subject of this exhibition,  
__A willing cadaver, a willing cadaver._

_Scalpled, sutured, made whole again._

_These cuts are leaving creases.  
__Trace the scars, to fit the pieces,  
__To tell your story, you don't have to say a word._

_So call off the cavalry,  
__You can't save a wretch like me.  
__Clean with this kerosene,  
__If you can't leave it be, might as well make it bleed._

_Scalpled, sutured, made whole again._

_Your wires are frayed, can't fire right,  
__You look better when out of sight,  
__You were not made to stand and fight,  
__There's something better wrong with you._

_Your pulse is anemic, you're tired of the fire,  
__You're bruising too easy, and falling behind,  
__And no one is waiting for you,  
__And no one is waiting for you._

_So call of the quarantine,  
__You can't save the rest from me.  
__Clean this with kerosene,  
__If you can't leave it be, might as well make it bleed._

_Scalpled, sutured, made whole again._

_Your wires are frayed, can't fire right,  
__You look better when out of sight,  
__You were not made to stand and fight,  
__And there's something better wrong with you._

_And no one is waiting for you.  
__And no one is waiting for you._

**A/N: The song is "If You Can't Leave It Be, Might As Well Make It Bleed," by Dashboard Confessional. They own it. This is now the longest fan fiction chapter I've ever written. **


	22. All My Fault

**Chapter Twenty-Two: All My Fault**

**Ellie**

I woke up lying down, my body bouncing around. I opened my eyes to find that I was in the back of an ambulance. I couldn't quite remember what happened. I remember that I broke down after seeing Zane's picture, and then I dove for the bag; that's it. Now my heart was racing and I felt really hot. I tried to turn my head to see if anyone was with me, but I was too weak to move. I closed my eyes and slowly drifted off to sleep.

**Jay**

When the doctor finally talked to us, he said that there was nothing more he could do for her. We just had to wait it out or something. She suffered from mass cocaine consumption or whatever words he had used. He told us how much coke she had in her, but I don't remember. I wasn't even paying too close attention; I just wanted to see her. Come to think of it, I don't even remember his name. He gave her some type of medication to lower her blood pressure, and something for pain.

"I only want family in to visit her," he said when we asked where she was.

"We are family," I said. "The only family she's got."

"And what's the relation?" he asked, an eyebrow raised. I thought as quickly as I could, and this is what I came up with:

"I'm her husband and they are her brothers," I said. Marco and Sean went right along with it.

"They don't look much like brothers," he said, motioning towards Sean and Marco.

"We're all adopted," Marco told him, looking down as if ashamed. Sean followed suit. The doctor almost let us by, but then he stopped me.

"Aren't you a little young to be married?" he asked.

"Well, you see Sir, she got pregnant unexpectedly, and I did the right thing. But we lost the baby," I told him, looking as if I were going to cry. And I almost did. It was partially true; minus the marriage part and the fact that Marco was the father.

"I'm sorry to hear that. Now normally, we'd ask for proof of identification, but if she has no one else…" he trailed off. "Go on in," he said, stepping aside. I was thankful that he didn't ask anything else; or raise suspicions about my lack of a wedding ring.

"Husband?" Marco asked once we were out of earshot. He suppressed a laugh.

"Well, I was afraid that if I told him I was her boyfriend that it wouldn't be enough."

"Are you here boyfriend?" Sean asked. He didn't sound mad or anything, but I was caught off guard by the question.

"I'm not sure," I replied. By that time we were standing in front of her room. I was relieved to be able to cut the conversation short, but also scared about the state we'd find Ellie in. Pushing open the door, I reluctantly stepped into the room, with Marco and Sean close behind.

**Sean**

Ellie looked bad. She was just lying there on the bed, eyes closed. She was pale and looked so fragile. Jay ran straight over to the bed and sat down on it, hugging her. I almost wished it was me instead of him. But Jay is better for her. He's in love with her. I can tell. I walked over and sat down in one of the two chairs next to her bed and Marco did the same. I saw Jay holding onto her hand that was closest to him, and I wanted to do the same, but Marco beat me to it.

"Ellie, wake up," Jay said, well, whined really. He kissed her on her forehead and then laid his head against hers. Still feeling jealous, I looked at the machines hooked up to her. They measured her heart rate and her breathing. She looked so sad and lost. And I couldn't help thinking that most of this was my fault. I never paid attention to her, never saw her hurting, and never saw her doing drugs.

As I thought about these things, tears came to my eyes. I couldn't let Marco and Jay see me cry. Especially not Jay. I still wasn't sure if we were friends or not, but I didn't need to give him a reason to make fun of me. Then I looked up and realized that both of them were silently crying. I let a few tears fall, but then brushed them away.

"I'm gonna go down to the gift shop and get her something," I said, breaking the silence. Jay and Marco wiped their tears away too, as if they just realized we were all in the room together.

"I'll come too," Marco said, getting up.

"I might as well go," Jay added. "Hopefully she'll wake up when we get back. So instead of me getting some alone time, all three of us went down to the gift shop. We passed a pay phone on the way in, and it gave me an idea.

"I'll be right there," I said. Marco and Jay went in without me, and I went over to the phone. After putting in some money, I dialed her number.

"Hello?" she asked.

"Emma, it's Sean. Please don't hang up, this is really important," I blurted out. I listened for the click of the phone, and when it didn't come, I kept talking. "It's Ellie. She's in the hospital."

"What happened?" Emma asked, shocked.

"She'll probably get mad at me for telling you this, but she was doing drugs. Cocaine. She had too much. We found her on her bedroom floor. She was hallucinating and then had a seizure," I explained. "We're going to the gift shop now to get her stuff.

"I'll be there in five minutes," she said and hung up the phone. I walked into the shop to find Jay and Marco being indecisive.

"What should we get her?" Marco said.

"Well, I'm not sure really. I mean…" Jay trailed off. We both knew what he was going to say. What do you give to someone who took too much cocaine? After a few minutes, we all decided on a teddy bear that said 'Get Well' on it and a huge card that we all signed. Emma showed up and signed the card too, and then we were all on our way back to her room.

"Wait, we should get her some chocolate doughnuts," I said. "They're her favorite."

"And coffee," Marco added. We all went to the cafeteria, bought the stuff for Ellie, and got some food for all of us. Then it was time to face her. From outside her door, we could see that she was sitting up, staring out the window. Just when we were all about to go in, the doctor popped up.

"One visitor at a time please," he said. "This is a very stressful time for her. And who are you?" he asked, looking at Emma.

"Her sister," Jay said without looking at her. I noticed that he refused to acknowledge her at all until now.

"You adopted too?" the doctor asked. Emma simply nodded her head. He sighed and walked away.

"Jay should go in first," Marco said.

"Then you can go," I told him.

"Then Sean after that," Jay added.

"And then Emma," I said. We all agreed that this was a logical order. We handed over the presents to Jay to give to Ellie. He went in the room and closed the door behind him.

**Ellie**

When I saw Jay come in with all the presents, I was grateful. I didn't really want to talk to anyone but him. I smiled a little, but that was all I did. I was still feeling weak.

"What happened Jay?" I asked him. His smile instantly dropped.

"You took too much cocaine," he said angrily, sitting down in a chair next to me. He put the presents on my bed.

"I'm sorry. Thanks for these," I added.

"They're from all of us," I motioned towards the door. "And all you can say is that you're sorry?" he asked. I could tell his was really upset. I wasn't sure if he was pissed or just worried. Or maybe both. "I can't believe I couldn't tell you were addicted. I feel like this is partly my fault."

"Jay, none of this is your fault at all. Don't say that," I told him. How could he blame himself? Didn't he see how messed up I was? He had a fucked up girlfriend, and he blamed himself. Wait, am I his girlfriend? I don't even know. "I'm not addicted," I added.

"We have a lot to talk about when you get out of here," he said.

"I know we do. I want to tell you everything the minute I leave. I love you too much to lose you," I told him. He stood up to leave.

"Marco's coming in next," he told me. Turning his back on me, he walked away. When he got to the door, he said one more thing. "I love you too." Then he left. It was the first time he'd ever said it.

**Marco**

I walked into Ellie's room. Now that she was awake, I was unsure of what I should do or say. I already tried talking to her about the drugs, and this is what happened. Maybe this is my fault.

"Tell me the truth," I said, sitting down next to her.

"Okay," she said.

"Did you do this because of me? Because of what's happened lately?" I asked.

"Of course not!" she said. Actually, she pretty much yelled it. "Marco, you can't blame yourself for my mistakes, I won't let you."

"You're stopping this now, right? No more drugs?" I asked, hopeful.

"No more drugs," she agreed.

"And no more Ryder?" I added.

"No more Ryder. You're hotter anyway." I had to laugh. It was true.

"I guess I'll let Sean come in then. Visiting hours are almost over. Apparently on Sundays, they end at noon. Doesn't make any sense if you ask me." I bent down and kissed her on the cheek. "Bye El."

**Sean**

I wrung my hands together as I sat next to Ellie. I had been in there for a few minutes and neither of us had said a word.

"Do you hate me?" I finally asked. It just came out. I didn't even mean to say it. But I was dying to hear the answer.

"No Sean. Why would you even say that?" she replied.

"Well, you didn't even talk when I came in here," I told her.

"I was waiting for you to start."

"Oh. I can't believe I didn't see it Ellie. I'm so sorry that I didn't help you out. I never paid enough attention to you. This is all my fault," I groaned. "How can I even begin to make it up to you?"

"Sean, it's not your fault. I don't know why everyone keeps blaming themselves. This is my fault and only mine. I'm going to stop, I promise. As soon as I get out of here, it's over."

"I'm glad to hear that. Well, I'm not sure if you want to see her, but I called Emma. I thought you two should talk," I squeezed her hand and walked away.

"Thanks Sean," she said after me.

**Emma**

Time to finally face the music. Ellie was one of my good friends, but then I had to go and have sex with her boyfriend. Maybe this is my fault. I mean, if I hadn't done that, we'd still be talking every day, and I would have noticed that she was taking drugs.

"Okay, before you say anything, I know this is my fault," I said. "If I hadn't had sex with Sean, none of this would have happened."

"Emma, that's not true and you know that," she said. I just sat there, dumbstruck. I expected Ellie to blame me, tell me I was right, yell and scream. But I didn't expect this.

"It's not?" I asked quietly.

"Of course not!" she said. "All of the things that have happened to me in my life led up to this moment. I should have never turned to drugs, but I did. And I don't blame you for what you did with Sean. I was never in love with him; he knows that now. And it's okay, because he was never in love with me either. I really love Jay, and I was hoping you wouldn't be mad at me now that we're together," she explained.

"How could I be mad? It was at least my fault that he broke up with me," I told her.

"Yeah, I guess it was," she agreed. We both laughed.

"I actually have a new boyfriend now…" I trailed off. 

"Who?" she asked. "You gotta tell me!"

"Well…it's Spinner…" Ellie stared at me for a minute.

"Are you serious?" she asked.

"Yeah. I got a job at The Dot and things sorta moved on from there," I gushed.

"I thought he was with Paige…"

"Not anymore. Well, they were broken up before we started going out, I promise." Ellie laughed again. "I guess I should be going before your doctor comes and starts yelling. We have to hang out when you get out of here. Call me," I told her.

"I will," she said. I gave her a hug before I left.

**Ellie**

I can't believe no one blamed me. This is all my fault; not theirs. It's nice to have so many people who care about me. I had no idea. Well, maybe I did, but I was too blind to see it. I've promised them that I'm going to stop with the drug. But can I really do that? I'm already feeling sick because I want it. I need it.

**A/N: Wow, three chapters in one day and I'm exhausted! lol…these are also the longest three chapters. This one's actually the longest I've ever written if you don't count lyrics because I don't write those. Tell me what you think. **


	23. The Sharp Hint Of New Tears

**Chapter Twenty-Three: The Sharp Hint Of New Tears **

**Ellie**

After three days in the hospital with people poking, prodding, and 'carefully observing' me, I was finally able to go home. Jay and Marco visited me every day, but I guess Sean and Emma thought I needed space. Although it's great to finally be out of here, I feel horrible. Withdrawal is not a fun thing. And I want it to stop.

First it was only headaches, but then I started throwing up. I can't stand it. My stomach and head are constantly hurting. Yesterday I actually thought I was pregnant again. Thankfully, that wasn't the case. Now Jay has just shown up to bring me home.

He didn't say a word to me when he came in the room. I know he wants to hear everything, and I've already told him that I would tell him when I got out. I'm not really ready right now, but I guess I have to be. I have to help Jay understand. I don't want him blaming himself for anything. And I love him.

Driving in silence, we made it back to the apartment in about ten minutes. There wasn't even any music playing. Jay knows I hate his music. I noticed that Sean wasn't home, and that was probably a good thing. Of course, Jay probably arranged it so that he wasn't there when we had our little 'talk.'

We sat down on the couch in the living room and stared at each other for a few minutes. When I didn't offer any information, Jay finally spoke up.

"Okay, out with it. I want you to explain everything," he said. I took a deep breath and sighed. Here it goes:

**Jay**

Was that a sigh of annoyance? Or was it a sigh of 'I'm finally going to be able to get this off my chest?' I couldn't tell. Ellie is not acting like herself and I don't like it at all. I know she's hurting but I don't know why she would do anything like this. She knows she has me to talk to. And now that's finally going to happen.

"Jay, before I tell you anything, you know I love you right?" she asked me. Oh great. It was one of these talks.

"Yes I know that Ellie. I love you too," I said. There, I told her again. It felt good to let it out, but I also felt out in the open after letting my guard down like that.

"And I would never do anything to purposely hurt you," she said, looking into my eyes.

"I know." And then she just went right into her explanation.

"I felt like my life was falling apart for the first time when my brother was killed in front of me. I blamed myself, and my parents started getting distant, both from me and from each other. We moved here and my dad went into the army. My mother started drinking and I had to take care of her. That was a lot of responsibility put on my plate, especially since I was still depressed about Matthias.

So I started to cut myself. At first, it made me feel better. Like you said, the physical pain outweighed the emotional pain that I felt. Then the cutting became more of an addiction. I couldn't stop because it felt so good. I thought it was the answer to all of my problems.

Then I met Marco and he became my best friend. I was in love with him for the longest time, and we finally got together. I got pregnant and then found out he was gay. I still found a way to get through it all. Marco promised he would be there for me and our baby no matter what. So the night I was prepared to tell my mother about my baby, I came home and found my house up in flames. And my mom was dead.

I had nowhere to go, and I couldn't live at Marco's house. We didn't tell his parents that I was pregnant, and even if we had, I still wouldn't have been welcome. They just didn't have the room for me. So I met Sean. And I moved in with him.

A few days after I moved in with him, my dad told me over the phone that she killed herself. That was a major blow to me. I felt like I had somehow failed her, that I wasn't the best daughter I could have been. I blamed myself for her death too.

I finally opened up to someone about Matthias, and that someone was Sean. I felt like I could trust him, and I also felt like maybe I was falling for him. But I didn't want that to happen, I mean, look at what happened with Marco. I couldn't lose another guy like that. Regardless of those thoughts, Sean and I kissed, and we also fell asleep together. Nothing happened though. I was still pregnant.

Six months later, we had a party to celebrate my moving in. It was not my kind of party really. Everyone was drunk around me and I just sat there on the couch. Then something really unexpected happened: my dad showed up.

To get away from my dad, Sean and I found some privacy in his bedroom. I kissed him this time, and I felt great. Then I got up to go to the bathroom. And what I found there probably scarred me for life. You were there, remember?

Anyway, I went into the bathroom and the shower was on. I saw clothes all over the floor and I looked past the shower curtain to find my father and Paige having sex. I was completely disgusted. That night, I fell asleep with Sean again. And I finally felt safe with him.

The next day, some police officers showed up at the apartment. They told me that they found evidence of my father's guilt. I was confused, and they explained that he murdered my mother. It wasn't suicide. It wasn't my fault. But I still somehow blamed myself.

I visited him in prison a few days later. I met his girlfriend, Riley. He was cheating on my mother with her the entire time. He was never even in the army. It was all a cover up. Riley is only twenty-years old. And she has a one and a half year old son named Kieran. He is my father's child. My half-brother.

Soon after that, I found out that Marco had a boyfriend. Even though I had Sean, I found that I couldn't let Marco go. I was still in love with him, and I was hurt that he didn't tell me about Dylan sooner. To get revenge, I took his car for a joy ride. Sean was there. And we got into an accident.

I woke up in the hospital to find that my baby had died. And this time it was my fault. I also found out that I had to give birth to him. That was the worst day of my entire life. I got a little crazy and I made Sean take a picture of him.

I almost started cutting again after that. But Sean stopped me. So I showed him the memorial that Marco and I made. It was for our baby. You've seen it. I named him Zane Matthias. Zane was after my favorite character in a book and Matthias after my brother.

I don't remember what day this happened, but Marco and I were supposed to hang out. He called me up saying he couldn't make it because he was too upset that Dylan broke up with him. I felt like he thought his problems were bigger than mine. That Dylan was more important than our dead child. So I opened all my cuts up and landed in the hospital.

This was around the time that Sean convinced you to play babysitter. We got drunk and I got Zane's name tattooed on my shoulder. I don't regret that at all. It makes me feel closer to him. And I was starting to like you. But I couldn't help feeling sorry for Sean, who I thought was working to pay for our rent.

Since Zane died, I tried alcohol to solve my problems. All that gave me were hangovers. And I didn't want to end up like my mother. So I stopped that. I smoked pot with you and I thought that was the answer, but still, it wasn't.

Then I found out that Sean had sex with Emma. I found out from you that he'd been less than faithful to me. Although it really angered me, I realized that I wanted to be with you. That I loved Sean, but wasn't in love with him. I went to that party with you, and found my new release.

Ryder approached me and brought me to the bathroom. He told me that cocaine would help me. And it did. It helped me forget about Zane, the one true person that I needed to help me stay sane. Ryder gave me a bag for free and I became hooked. I told you that I loved you that night, but since I was high, you didn't believe me I guess. We went home and confronted Sean, and then our relationship was finally over.

I ended up calling Marco after you left the next day. We decided to hang out and his mom let me stay for dinner. I told Marco that I was in love with you. And he started putting you down, saying that I could do better. I got really mad at him and after dinner I left. And then we went to another party.

We danced and were having a good time, but I craved the cocaine. I went off in search of Ryder and found him in a bedroom. I told him I wanted more, and he said I'd have to pay him this time. When I confessed that I didn't have any money, he said that there was only one other thing he'd take instead. I was so desperate for a fix that I had sex with him. It was only for the drugs; nothing more. I never felt anything and I knew I wanted to be with you. But this was the only way for me to get what I needed.

Then we had our fight. You found out that I was high and I was dying to explain. But you left, so I couldn't. I wanted you to know that I didn't need to be high to be with you. I needed it to forget about the death of my son and about everything bad that's happened in my life. I loved you, and I wanted you to know that.

After talking with Sean, I felt better. He told me to call you, but I was going to give you time to cool off. I figured that I'd wait until morning. I was getting ready for bed when I found a phone number in my pocket. After calling it, I realized it was Ryder's number. And I wanted more drugs. I was already out, so I figured I could get more.

I went to his house and had sex with him again. I was angry with you for walking out, and I broke my no kissing rule. He loved that, but I didn't. That's when Marco burst in. Ryder was his cousin. A Del Rossi gone bad. I received two bags from him that night. And when Marco tried to talk with me, I got mad. I left his car and went home.

I remember going into my bedroom and seeing Zane's picture. I broke down for the first time. I cried forever for him, and then realized that I knew how to make it better. I woke up in an ambulance, then again in the hospital. And you know the story from there."

**Ellie**

When I finally finished my story, Jay was just staring at me. Some of those things he knew, but some he didn't. He hadn't known that I had sex with Ryder; only that he was my dealer. I noticed a few tears falling from his eyes.

"You degraded yourself so much by having sex with a random guy for drugs," he said. "That's not like you."

"I know it's not. But I needed a way to forget about Zane. I guess now I've realized that it wasn't the answer. And I'm sorry," I cried.

"Ellie, you need help. You're addicted to this drug and I'm afraid that you'll do something even more stupid than this. You could have died!" he said, his tears flowing faster. I hated to see him cry because of me.

"I'm not addicted Jay. I promise you that. I'm going to stop, I really am. That was it for me. It really opened my eyes." Was I sure? Not really. But I had to get him to believe me.

**A/N: To Natalie, thanks for your awesome review! It made me so happy! Yay! Okay, so basically, you could have skipped every other chapter of the story except for this one and you'd be able to understand what was going on. I just wanted Ellie to be able to say everything out loud…sometimes it helps. **


	24. My Life Inside Your Heart

**Chapter Twenty-Four: My Life Inside Your Heart **

**Ellie**

I think he believes me. That's the most important thing to me right now. I love Jay and I don't want to lie to him, but I don't know if I can do this. I have to at least try for him I guess.

"I'm really tired, I'm gonna try to fall asleep." It had been a few hours since our talk. Jay and I had just laid there on my bed in silence. It felt good to be next to him, but my head was still pounding. Maybe I could sleep it off. "You don't have to stay."

"Ellie, I'm still worried about you. I'm gonna stay over tonight. I'll give you some space though. I'll be in the living room if you need me," he said. He kissed me lightly and left to watch television with Sean.

I rolled over on the bed and closed my eyes. I lay there for over an hour, and sleep just wouldn't come. My head hurt so badly. I needed more cocaine. I had to have it. The need for it had taken me over. I felt like I was going to be sick without it. I quietly crept over to my door and locked it. Now they couldn't stop me.

Pulling my cell phone out, I called Ryder's house. It rang seven times before I hung up. I called again. No answer. Where is he? Maybe he's asleep and doesn't hear the phone ringing. I could just go over there. Yeah, that's it. Luckily for me, our apartment is on the first floor. I walked over to my window and opened it. I tossed phone on my bed before climbing out the window into darkness.

Making sure to go underneath the windows, I crept past the building and made my way to Ryder's house. It wasn't far. I could see it coming closer and I almost felt as if my headache was slowly going away.

I knocked on the door and there was no answer. I tried the doorknob, and it was unlocked. I stepped into the living room. It was dark, but I could see him lying on the couch with his back to me. I walked towards him, prepared to wake him up. I needed this.

**Jay**

After two hours of watching TV with Sean, I decided I better go check on Ellie. I completely trust her, but I have to make sure. I'll rest easier if I know she's sleeping. Hopefully she won't get mad at me if she's there. Why am I thinking _if_? Of course she'll be there. Won't she?

"Be right back," I told Sean. He nodded and I walked down the hall to her room. I tried the handle but the door was locked. "Ellie?" I called out. I knocked on the door a few times. "Ellie?" I repeated. "Sean!" I called him from the living room. He walked down the hall.

"What is it?" he asked.

"The door's locked." I was starting to get worried. "Can you pick it again? I need to make sure she's okay."

"Sure man." Sean got some tools from a drawer in the kitchen and unlocked the door. I pushed it open and stared at the empty bed. Then my gaze trailed to the open window. And I lost it.

"FUCK!" I yelled. "I fucking trusted her and she went to see him!" I punched the wall and immediately wished I hadn't. Shaking the pain from my hand, I was about to yell again.

"Jay, calm down," Sean told me. "It's not her fault. The drugs have taken over her body. She's not herself right now." He was right.

"We have to find her before she does something stupid," I said. Blood was dripping off my knuckles but I didn't care.

"Do you know where this Ryder person lives?" Sean asked me.

"Yeah, Marco told me. Let's go." We ran from the apartment and jumped in my car. I left for Ryder's house, driving as fast as I could. She can't do this to me. She can't do this to herself.

_Fighting back the impulse  
__Turn my head and close my eyes  
__Spending these nights awake and cold and paralyzed  
__Wonder how we got this far and  
__Never realized the common thread that binds our lives  
__And I know you hurt  
__But I can help you if you can_

_Take my hand  
__And we'll live inside the dreams we left behind  
__Take my hand  
__As we move from this place to a better life  
__Take my hand_

_Fighting back the feeling that you always could deny  
__Anything but everything we know is just a lie  
__As I cremate this memory and watch the darkened ashes rise  
__And beneath the smoke  
__I'll stand and ask if you can_

_Take my hand  
__And I'll promise not to ever let it go  
__Take my hand  
_'_Cause this hope is greater than you'll ever know  
__Take my hand  
__And this is all I'll ever ask of you to show_

_Fight back the urges  
__Turn my head and close my eyes  
__And will I wake tomorrow still alive_

_I'm still dreaming  
__I'm still waiting  
__I'm still sure  
__I'm still sure  
__You're still living in a life  
__That isn't yours  
__That isn't yours_

_And this is part of me  
__I hope you never see  
__This is my life inside your heart_

_Take my hand  
__And I'll promise not to ever let it go  
__Take my hand  
_'_Cause this hope is greater than you'll ever know  
__Take my hand  
__And this is all I'll ever ask of you to show_

**Ellie**

I reached out and touched Ryder's back. He twitched a little, but other than that, didn't move. Then I shook him harder. I needed it. Now. I shoved him one more time and he slowly rolled over. But it wasn't Ryder. No, this can't be happening.

"Marco? What are you doing here?" Where's Ryder. No, he has to be here. Not Marco. I need it.

"I was waiting for you," Marco told me. Maybe this was a hallucination. They told me I had one before. That I was talking to Ryder. But it can't be. It's too real. "I hoped you wouldn't come." His voice broke my thoughts.

"Why Marco? Why are you here?" I started to cry. I didn't understand. "You can't be here, I need Ryder. I need what he can give me." I let myself fall into Marco's arms and cried.

"You don't need him Ellie. You have to understand that. He doesn't do any good for you. He's hurting you. He's breaking you apart. You're not the Ellie that I love. You're not you anymore," he whispered. I couldn't say anything. My head was pounding again and I couldn't stop crying.

"Don't do this to me…" I trailed off.

"I'm not doing anything to you Ellie. You're doing this to yourself," was all he told me.

"Just tell me where he is," I said, sitting up.

"He's gone Ellie." I was officially living in a nightmare. My source of power was gone. The only thing that could help me now was gone. "He was arrested two days ago for possession. They caught him like they could have caught you. He's better off you know. They forced him to go into rehab instead of prison. He's going to get better."

"How could he just leave me with nothing?" I cried.

"It's better this way." Marco pulled me towards him and stroked my hair. "I want to see the real you again. You can live without all of this." I cried into his shoulder. It was all I could do. I was too weak to do anything else. My head was screaming for drugs, but they weren't there. It was all gone. My life was gone.

**Jay**

I burst into Ryder's house with Sean close behind. There she was in his arms. Marco looked up at me. Marco? I thought it was Ryder. Thank god it's Marco. Ellie is safe. We walked up to them and Marco made a gesture for us to be quiet. Ellie was fast asleep in his arms. I sat down next to Marco and took her from him. I cradled her in my arms as if she were an infant. I held her close to me. I had her back.

She felt so tiny and light in my arms. That's when I realized that she hadn't been eating. She was already so small to begin with, and now I could feel her ribs. I had forgotten that cocaine makes you lose your appetite.

As we sat there, Marco told Sean and me about Ryder. He knew that Ellie would try to come, so he waited for her. He had faith in her and hoped she wouldn't show up, but she did.

"We have to take her," I said. "We can't help her alone."

"I think we should leave now," Marco said. "While she's sleeping."

"Let's go home and pack some stuff for her first," Sean said. I carried Ellie to the car and laid her across the backseat. Marco sat with her, propping her head up in his lap. Sean sat in the front with me. I drove us back to their apartment and none of us spoke the entire way.

Sean and I packed clothes in one of Ellie's suitcases while Marco stayed with her in the car. We all hoped she wouldn't wake up until we got there. Climbing back into the car, we headed for Montreal.

**A/N: The song is "My Life Inside Your Heart" by Rise Against. They own it. I put it in here for Jay. It's his song to Ellie. It shows that he wants to help her and she's really hurting him by the way she is acting. Anybody have any guesses as to where they're going? Natalie: I'm glad you still like it! I guess you are my number 1 fan! Sadly, this story is almost over, but I have a new one coming. I also have my Manny trilogy…see if you like it (though I like this story better than those ones). Also, I might have a sequel to this one, but I'm not sure yet. If I do, it won't be until later. **


	25. Living In Your Letters

**Chapter Twenty-Five: Living In Your Letters **

**Ellie**

I woke up in a strange room. How did I get here? There was a bed and a dresser in it but nothing else. Everything was yellow. Yellow? Who picked yellow to paint the walls? The bed had two yellow blankets on it with white sheets and a white pillow. I guess it was supposed to make people happy or something. Like the color of the sun. I don't know. Wait, how did I get here? I remember going to Ryder's house. My head was still pounding. I suddenly felt the urge to throw up. I got up off the bed and walked over to the doorway on the opposite wall. Good, a bathroom.

I lifted the toilet seat and puked. There wasn't anything in my stomach at all. I guess I haven't eaten in a few days. Bile filled the toilet. I flushed it and looked around. The entire bathroom was white. Everything. It gave off this overwhelming sense of cleanliness. There was just a toilet, a sink, and a shower stall.

Walking back into the room, I sat down on the bed. I fell asleep in Marco's arms and that's the last thing I remember. Ryder is gone. Arrested. I have no more drugs. This can't be good. I feel like I'm gonna throw up again. Every time I think of Ryder, I want to be sick. Maybe it's because I feel ashamed by what I was doing with him. No, I definitely think it's because my drug source is now gone. Yeah, that's it. So where did Marco take me? Am I in some strange place at his house that I've never seen before? Or am I still at Ryder's? This is so confusing.

After staring at the room for a few more minutes, I got up and went to the only other door in the room. It was the way out. Only the door wouldn't open. What am I locked in or something? This is crazy. I started banging on the door but no one came. So I did the only thing I could. I sat back on the bed and I cried. Why would Marco leave me here? Why? I just need cocaine. I have to have it. It's the only thing that keeps me happy. Why would Marco want me to suffer like this? I thought he loved me.

_You don't need him Ellie. You have to understand that. He doesn't do any good for you. He's hurting you. He's breaking you apart. You're not the Ellie that I love. You're not you anymore._

I suddenly remembered Marco saying that to me. I'm not the Ellie that he loves. Why can't he love me? Why can't anyone love me?

**Jay loves you.**

Jay doesn't love me. He didn't tell me he loved me.

**Yes he did. Twice. **

I don't remember him telling me that.

**You were in the hospital. Then he said it again after you came home. Don't you get it?**

No, I don't get it. What is there to get? Jay must have helped Marco bring me here. I think Sean was there too. I could hear them talking. But I was so tired. They all hate me. They don't want to see me ever again.

**They all love you.**

No they don't. I made Jay cry. I told Sean I wasn't in love with him. I never forgave Marco for being gay. So now they hate me.

**You're such an idiot. Go read the letter.**

What letter?

**The letter on the dresser. You saw it when you went past it to throw up. You're ignoring it. You're afraid to read it.**

No I'm not afraid! I'll go read it now.

**Good.**

I've never experienced something like that before. It was like a little angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. My mind just fought with itself. And that scares me. I wasn't hearing voices or anything. Part of me knows that people love me. The other part of me is scared to love anyone. Every time I love someone, something bad happens to them. And it's usually my fault.

I walked over to the dresser, and sure enough, there was an envelope on the top of it. _Ellie _was written on it in Jay's handwriting. I grabbed it and sat back down on the bed, crossing my legs. Ripping open the envelope, a bunch of stuff fell out. I picked up the first piece of paper and read it.

_Dear Ellie,_

_I love you more than I have ever loved anyone in my life, and that scares me. I've always been afraid to love someone. You were the first person to see my true side, to see that I wasn't the bad ass I pretended to be. You've seen me cry too. _

_I don't want you to think that I'm a horrible person by bringing you here. I watched you suffer, go to the hospital and almost die, and then go back to Ryder's house for more. You're addicted Ellie, and I don't want you hurting yourself anymore. When you're starving for cocaine, you're not the person that I fell in love with. I watched my princess be harshly thrown into the form of a frog. That's what the drugs did to you. And no matter how much I kissed you, you weren't turning back into a princess._

_Marco, Sean, and I wanted to help you. But we all decided that you needed more help than we could give. We all love you so much. And we want you back. But you have to stay there. If you don't, I'm afraid that you'll never be the same again. _

_Please don't hate me Ellie. I love you too much to lose you. If you died, I would die along with you. I can't stand seeing you like this. It makes me feel like I've failed you. I want you to succeed like I know you can. Don't let this kill you. Let it make you stronger. I love you._

_Love,  
__Jay_

By the time I was done reading Jay's letter, most of the ink was smudged from my tears. He really does love me. I knew it all along, but I wasn't letting him love me. I can't hurt him like this. I have to stay here. I don't even know where I am, but I have a pretty good idea now. The next letter was from Marco.

_Ellie_

_Let me start this off by telling you that I love you. Even though it isn't the love that you need; it's still here. I feel like my heart will burst right open. That's how much I love you. I love you to the moon and back._

_I guess I'll tell you where you are. Jay couldn't bring himself to write it in his letter and I can see why. He loves you as much as I do, and he has the love you need. _

_You're at the Freeman Institution for Alcohol and Drug Addictions. It's a year long rehabilitation facility. It's in Montreal. We drove you there while you were sleeping. Now I hope you don't hate us. We just knew that you wouldn't go on your own. You didn't believe that you had an addiction. I know it's hard, but you can get through it. I miss my Ell Bell. Remember I used to call you that? _

_Don't worry, you won't be missing school. Even though you won't be at Degrassi, you can get through your entire grade eleven at the institution. They offer schooling for anyone under eighteen. You also have to go through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It's the only current treatment for your addiction. They can't give you medicine for it. There aren't any medicines that have been approved yet. So you'll be throwing up a lot and you'll still have the headaches. But I know you're strong enough to do it. _

_I have to say again that I hope you don't hate me. I thought you were going to die. I know Jay has already said he'd die if you died, and I think I would too. I can't live without you Ellie. You're my best friend. You have to get better so I can see you again. But most importantly, get better for yourself. _

_Love,  
Marco _

Marco's letter made me cry all over again. I knew he loved me too; I was just hurt because he left me for someone else. Especially the someone who's sister had sex with my dad. That just made me so angry. I've missed seeing Marco. I have to get out of here as fast as I can. Wait, Ryder's in rehab! Maybe he's here! Maybe he can help me! What am I thinking? I have to read Sean's letter.

_Ellie_

_You're probably reading my letter last, so this will most likely be stuff you've already heard from Jay and Marco. I love you. You are my best friend. For the longest time, you were the only friend I had. I wouldn't have traded our relationship for the world. What we had was great; I just messed it up in the end. I'm so sorry that I ever hurt you and I hope you'll forgive me. _

_You're not allowed to have visitors until two months have passed or something like that. But I want you to know that as soon as we can come, all three of us will be there. I guess I have to say that I've rekindled my friendship with Jay, and I'm friends with Marco now. We got together because of our love for you. We all want to help you. Let me tell you that I'd rather have no friends than have you hurt like this. You can live without drugs. You need to know that. _

_Please forgive me; forgive all of us. We had to help you and this was the only way. You're lost right now, that's all. We're trying to find you. The real you. Don't worry, we're not going to tell anyone at Degrassi where you are. Marco's not even telling his parents. We know you'd want that. We've decided to tell everyone that you're going to live with your aunt for a little while, even the teachers. And you'll be back with us again. You'll be able to graduate with us.  
_

_I love you Ellie. Please get better. I can't lose you._

_Love,  
__Sean _

I needed to hear that. I needed to hear all of that. And now I know I have to stay. I have to get better. Because if I don't, I know they'll hate me for sure. I can't lose anymore people that I love. I won't let that happen.

I realized that aside from the letters, there was a stack of photographs. I picked it up and started looking through them. The first one was the only picture I have of Jay and I. We're sitting together in my room. I think maybe we were drunk, because I don't even remember it. The next one is me and Marco. It was taken a few days after I met him. Then a picture of me and Sean. It was a picture Marco took on one of our unofficial dates. There was a picture of me, Sean, Emma, and Jay at my party. Then another one of Emma and I. They guys threw in a bunch of candids of themselves, plus one of Craig that I took a long time ago. There was also a photo of my mother that had been hanging on my wall. And the one of my perfect family. Me, Matthias, and our parents. I was five in the picture. The last picture was the one I had been waiting for. It was Zane.

Tears slid down my cheeks as I remembered all the people I'd left behind. Even people who were gone now. But they were still in my heart. All of them were. And I have to get better for them. No matter what it takes, I'll get better. And I actually believe myself this time.


	26. To The Core

**Chapter Twenty-Six: To The Core **

**Ellie**

I heard a key turning into the lock on the door and I quickly wiped the tears from my eyes. A woman wearing a nurse's type of outfit came into the room.

"It's good to see you're awake," she said, closing the door behind her. "Your friends were all worried about you."

"I'm fine," I said a little coldly. It wasn't her fault that I was here, but since she was the first person I had seen, I could be rude to her. I felt like being rude.

"You sure don't look fine," she said, crossing her arms over her chest. She looked annoyed. "You're pale, too skinny, dark circles around your eyes, you look like you're going to be sick any minute, and you're shaking," she said, naming all my faults. I was shaking. I hadn't even realized it.

"Are you supposed to talk to me like that?" I asked, narrowing my eyes.

"I'm just being honest. Look, there's a group therapy starting. You're required to go, so you might as well check it out."

"I don't feel like it," I said.

"Too bad." She walked over to me and I thought she was going to drag me there. Instead she held out her hand, waiting for me to grab it. What did she think I was? A child? But without thinking, I took her hand. She helped me up from the bed. I didn't even realize I needed help. But I did.

"Can you make me stay here?" I asked suddenly. I didn't think they were allowed to keep me against my will.

"Normally, no. But your case is different. Your boyfriend told us that you were not to be let out until you were better. Of course, he doesn't really have a say, seeing as he's not family. We informed him that a parent needed to sign certain papers to keep you here."

"I don't have any parents. Not anymore," I told her.

"He told us what happened. We told him that your father could sign the papers. When he refused to ask your father, we said that was all we could do. Otherwise, you'd be able to leave as soon as you wanted; whether you were better or not." The entire time she told me this, she was leading me down a long hallway.

"So, why can't I leave then?" I asked.

"Because your guardian signed them," she said.

"My guardian? I don't have one!" I said a little too loudly. People around me were staring. I hung my head.

"According to the paperwork you do. A Mrs. Del Rossi."

"What? Since when?" I asked. Marco told his mom. I can't believe he told her.

"We were just faxed the paperwork before you woke up. She went straight to the Department of Children and Families with your case. They found your case quite urgent and assigned her as a temporary guardian. They all thought you were living with your father's girlfriend," she told me. "Well, this is it." We were standing in front of a door that was propped open. "They haven't started yet. Oh and my name is Maria if you need anything."

Then she walked away and left me there, standing in front of the door. I looked in and saw seven people sitting in a circle. There were two chairs left. I was about to walk away when a woman came up to me.

"Come on in and join us," she said, ushering me into the room. She sat down in her chair and I was left to sit in between a boy who looked like he was about to cry and a girl who looked angry. Great. "Okay everyone, welcome to group. This session marks a new year. Let us start by introducing ourselves. I want you to say your name, something you enjoy doing, and then why you are here. I'll go first. My name is Rebecca. I love to read and I'm here to help you." Then she turned to the boy on her left and he went next. I didn't even listen.

One by one, each person around the circle said their piece. Some of them burst into tears as they stated their problems, others got angry and started yelling. The entire time I just stared at the floor. Then I realized the boy next to me was taking his turn.

"My name is Xavier. I like doing drugs and I'm here because my mom drove me." I laughed to myself. Everyone else laughed out loud. He was funny. Rebecca made a weird face but didn't comment. Then she turned to me.

I stared right back at her. Why should I tell her anything? Why should I tell any of these people anything? They're not my friends. I doubt they care if I get better or not. I wish Jay was here. And Marco, and Sean. Hell, I even wish Emma was here. Anyone familiar. When Rebecca finally realized I wasn't going to say anything at all, she frowned. Then the girl on my left spoke.

"Oooh! Pick me! I want to go next!" she said, waving her arm around, her voice dripping with sarcasm. Rebecca looked at me one more time and I looked at the floor. She let out a huge sigh.

"Go ahead," she told the girl.

"My name is Rayne. It's spelled R-A-Y-N-E. I like to spell my name because no one ever gets it right. And I'm here because I want to get better just for you," she said, still sarcastic. Rebecca made that face again. Then she moved on to the next person. I turned to Rayne and smiled at her. She smiled back.

I didn't pay attention to anything after that. Once all the people in the circle talked, Rebecca started telling about the program or something. Like I said, I wasn't paying attention. When she finally told us we could go, I sped right out of there. But someone tapped me on the shoulder and I turned around. It was Rayne, and that boy Xavier was with her.

"So, what's your story?" she asked me. I didn't say anything. I just kept walking and they followed me.

"My name is Ellie. And that's all you'll get from me," I said, smiling. "I'm not going to go into my life story or anything."

"You don't have to. But you do have to talk in there. Or you'll never get out. And if you just sit and don't participate at all, they'll just move you to another program," she told me.

"Besides, you're too cute to just sit there and stare," Xavier added. I felt myself blushing, but I didn't say anything.

"You want a tour?" Rayne asked. "We've been here a week, and we know pretty much everything about this place. Not like there's much to learn." I stopped walking and turned around to face them. They both flashed me cheesy grins.

"Are you guys best friends or something?" I asked.

"Close, we're twins," Xavier said, throwing and arm around her sister. I took in their eyes that were so light blue they were almost gray. And their black hair. It was naturally black. Like Marco's. Like Ryder's. Ryder. Maybe he's here!

"Hey, do you know if there's a kid named Ryder here?" I asked.

"The name doesn't ring a bell. But I dunno; I guess it's possible." I perked up. Maybe he is really here. Maybe he has cocaine. What am I thinking? I'm never gonna get out of here if I keep thinking about him.

"About that tour…that sounds great," I told them. They each grabbed one of my hands, dragging me back the way we came.

"There are basically only five places we ever get to go around here," Rayne started. "There's the 'family room.' They call it that because we're all supposed to be part of a huge family here or something." She showed me a room with a bunch of couches and a big TV. "Don't get too excited, all we get to watch are inspirational movies that make us want to be better people," she said, sarcastic yet again. "And they lock it up at night, so we can't even sneak in and watch anything worth seeing."

"The next place is the cafeteria," Xavier said, dragging me off. "You have to eat three meals a day. We all have little key card things and they can see who didn't show up for a meal. Breakfast is at eight am, Lunch is at twelve-thirty, and Dinner's at six. Moving right along…"

"Next on this wonderful tour, we have the classrooms. This is where school is held. For those of us lucky people under eighteen, we get to go from eight-thirty until three, with a lunch break in the middle," Rayne said. "A whopping thirty-eight and a half hours of school each week."

"Then there are the therapy rooms. Stop number four on the tour. During the week, we have one therapy session that lasts for two hours after dinner. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday are the group therapy days. Tuesdays and Thursdays are when one on one therapy is held. On Saturdays and Sundays, there are three group therapy sessions, each lasting two hours, and three individual sessions, each lasting an hour and a half. That's a lovely total of twenty and a half hours of therapy per week," Xavier explained.

"Not to mention that during most of our free time, we get to watch those inspirational films and learn yoga and meditation," Rayne added. "Saturday is pretty much the only day that we can do whatever we want during free time. And Sunday is visiting day. But you don't get any visitors until two months into the program."

"This is hell," I groaned. "Pure hell." Xavier and Rayne nodded their heads in agreement. "So where's the fifth place I'm allowed to go?" I asked.

"Your bedroom," Xavier said.

"Great. It's so cheery in there," I said.

"What color is your room?" Rayne asked me.

"Yellow."

"Mine's green," she said. "Like the grass!" she added, faking cheerfulness.

"Mine is blue," Xavier informed me. "Supposed to be like water or something I guess. A calming stream." We all laughed and walked back to where the bedrooms where. I found out that my room was two doors down from Rayne's. Xavier was in a whole other corridor. They try to keep distance between men and women so we don't develop 'sexual interests' while we're here. Guess they forgot about the people who were gay, lesbian, or bisexual. Idiots.

"Have you noticed how clean the bathrooms are?" I asked.

"Yeah. Everything's white, including the towels. That's so they can see blood on them. It stands out. Everyone's room has a number and the towels have the room number on them. And there's nothing in there at all that you could hurt yourself with. Unless of course, you drink the shampoo or something," Rayne said.

"And you get a shower stall so you can't drown yourself in the bathtub," Xavier added.

"Did they tell you this?" I asked.

"No, but it's kind of obvious," Xavier said. It wasn't obvious to me, but whatever. It's probably true.

"Oh, and there are cameras in your room. Watching your every move. So you don't hurt yourself," Rayne informed me. "But there aren't any in the bathroom because it's against the law."

"And we are allowed to go into each other's rooms. That's only because of the cameras. There are hundreds of people working here, from cleaning staff to security to nurses and therapists. Each person has their own nurse," Xavier said.

"How many people are in here?" I asked.

"Only forty. They group people by age. Eight people in each age group, five different groups. We're in the age group of twelve to eighteen. There's currently no group that goes from birth to age eleven, but who knows," Rayne joked. "Could happen soon."

"The other age groups are nineteen to thirty, thirty-one to forty-five, forty-six to sixty, and sixty-one and up," Xavier added.

"You're schedule is probably posted in your room by now. It'll tell all your classes, teachers, and therapists. You'll have the same therapist for group every time; that's Rebecca. Then you'll have a different one for individual sessions. Want to go check it out?" Rayne asked me. I was just about to answer when a voice came over the speakers.

"Attention everyone. It's time for another movie! Meet in the family room in five minutes," a cheery woman said loudly. Rayne and Xavier rolled their eyes.

"Guess not," I said. The three of us linked arms and we headed off to the family room. I don't know how I'll ever survive in this place. But there's no way out.

**A/N: Okay, Rayne's name is pronounced 'rain' and Xavier's is 'zavier,' not x-zavier.' Just thought I'd let you know. There are only a few chapters left! Hope you still like it. I also hope this chapter wasn't too boring…I just wanted Ellie to know all about the place. **


	27. Breaking The Habit

**Chapter Twenty-Seven: Breaking The Habit**

**A/N: Okay guys, I have a problem here. There are only a few chapters left of this story…I'll be sad to finish it but relieved it's over…but the problem is that I am running out of ideas…I know how I'm ending the story and what chapter I'm ending it at, but I'm not sure of what to put in between it all. So I'm sorry if the next few chapters suck, let me know and tell me if there's any way I could change them to make the story better. Soupy- have you written any fanfics? Just wondering, 'cause if you have, I'd like to read them. **

**Ellie**

_Memories consume  
Like opening the wound  
I'm picking me apart again  
You all assume  
I'm safe here in my room  
Unless I try to start again_

I want to stop this now. I really do. I want to be myself again. I want to be the person that Jay, Marco, and Sean all love. But I don't want to do it here. I feel trapped in this room. Maybe I can convince Marco's mom to let me out of here. If I tell her they treat me horribly and starve me, she'd let me leave. But I can't lie to her like that. For the most part, the people are nice. I just can't stand it. I still haven't talked in group therapy. Or any therapy for that matter. It's been two weeks. School starts tomorrow, but they might move me because I'm not cooperating.

_I don't want to be the one  
The battles always choose  
'Cause inside I realize  
That I'm the one confused_

But maybe I should stay here. I don't think Mrs. Del Rossi will let me out anyway. And I have friends here, why would I want to get moved to another place and lose them? Rayne and Xavier are great. It's just… Wait, it's just what? I don't even know anymore. All I know is that I can't stand being myself. I hate me right now. Everyone else should hate me too.

_I don't know what's worth fighting for  
Or why I have to scream  
I don't know why I instigate  
And say what I don't mean  
I don't know how I got this way  
I know it's not alright  
So I'm breaking the habit  
I'm breaking the habit  
Tonight_

But they don't hate me. None of them do. They all love me; at least, they say they do. And I believe them. Don't I? I really don't know. My head hurts so much lately. It's been so long since I've had any cocaine that I feel like I'll explode. And it'll only get worse before it gets better. What if it never gets better? What would I do then?

_Clutching my cure  
I tightly lock the door  
I try to catch my breath again  
I hurt much more  
Than anytime before  
I have no options left again_

I have to get better. As long as I don't use the drugs anymore. Right? Why do I have to ask myself all these questions? It shouldn't be like this. I'm not a good enough person. I don't deserve anyone's love. That's why Zane was taken from me. I didn't even deserve him. Why did I have to think about Zane? I grabbed his picture off of the dresser and stared at it, starting to cry.

_I don't want to be the one  
The battles always choose  
'Cause inside I realize  
That I'm the one confused_

But if he were still alive, he'd want me to get better. He would need a mother to care for him. Then again, if he were here, I don't think I'd be like this. His death pushed me over the edge. And I'm still falling. I want to stop falling, I really do. But before I pick myself up, I have to slam into the ground. And it's gonna hurt.

_I don't know what's worth fighting for  
Or why I have to scream  
I don't know why I instigate  
And say what I don't mean  
I don't know how I got this way  
I'll never be alright  
So, I'm breaking the habit  
I'm breaking the habit  
Tonight _

Even though it'll hurt; I think it will be the best feeling in the world. Being able to stand up and walk away. Walk away as if it never happened. As if it was all a dream. I know it's not a dream, but I can put this all behind me. I want to be able to see the people I love; to be with them. They can't blame themselves for what I've done. It's my fault. They have to see that. I have to make them see.

_I'll paint it on the walls  
'Cause I'm the one at fault  
I'll never fight again  
And this is how it ends_

This is how it ends. Right here, right now. I won't even think another impure thought again. Well, one about drugs anyway. Those stupid little movies we watch here are true. **Drugs are not the answer,** they say. **Say no to drugs.** I'm saying no right now. It might be too late, but I hope not. I'm ending this. Breaking the habit. I have to.

_I don't know what's worth fighting for  
Or why I have to scream  
But now I have some clarity  
To show you what I mean  
I don't know how I got this way  
I'll never be alright  
So, I'm breaking the habit  
I'm breaking the habit  
I'm breaking the habit  
Tonight_

**Jay**

"Do you think she's okay?" I asked Marco and Sean. Ever since we dropped Ellie off, we'd been hanging out together. Mainly we shared stories about her and tried not to cry. Yeah, it sounds lame, three guys crying over the same girl. But we all love her in our own ways. And we want her to get better.

"I bet she's sitting in her room and thinking about us," Marco said.

"She's gonna be okay. I know she is," Sean added.

"It's just that she hasn't written or anything," I said. "I'm still worried about her."

"She'll come around. We have to give her some time to adjust. She's probably busy with therapy and everything," Marco said.

"And school starts for her tomorrow. Same as us," Sean said. "She probably has a lot of work to do."

"Yeah, I guess you guys are right," I said. "Well, I guess I'm gonna go to sleep now. See ya in the morning."

"Night," Marco said.

"Sweet dreams," Sean said, making all of us laugh. It felt good to laugh.

Not only had we been hanging out together since that day, but we'd all been living at Sean and Ellie's apartment. It just felt right. I had no special place to go home to anyway. Over these past few weeks, we've been like brothers. I never thought I'd be friends with Marco at all, but he really is a great guy. He's been sleeping on an air mattress in Sean's room. I'm actually surprised that his mom's letting him stay here. She's pretty cool. She's also letting Ellie live with them when she gets out next year.

I walked down the hall into Ellie's room. Sitting on the bed, I looked at all of her photos on the wall. There were bare spots left from the pictures we sent to her. It felt so strange to have her gone. But I knew she'd be coming back. And I couldn't wait until two months were up so I could visit her.

I pulled my shirt and pants off, getting under the covers in my boxers. I'd been sleeping in her bed ever since she left. I know it sounds corny, but it made me feel closer to her.

**Ellie**

I wonder what Jay is doing right now? I hope he's okay. I really miss him. Even though I miss Marco and Sean too, I feel like I can't live without Jay. Not for one second. I think he'd be proud of me right now. And even though I've made up my mind about what I'm going to do, I know he'd have some advice to give me. I love the way he'll just sit and listen to everything I say. And he never judged me. Not once.

This year is going to be really hard for me. I can't wait until two months are up and everyone comes to visit me. I feel like I'd die if no one came. But I know they will. They just have to. Don't they?

**A/N: Okay, I'm sorry this chapter is so short; I just had to write another one…it's also 1:45 in the morning so I'm tired. Hope it wasn't too crappy, and at least more interesting than the last one. I just wanted this chapter to be the turning point of Ellie's addiction. She really wants to get better now and won't be second guessing herself as much. If you don't know already, the song is "Breaking The Habit" byLinkin Park and theyown it. **


	28. Alive And Well

**Chapter Twenty-Eight: Alive And Well**

_Now's the time  
To rearrange your life  
Live for something  
Outside of your own mind  
We all dream  
The same dream every night_

**Ellie**

Today I finally learned what cognitive behavioral therapy is. Apparently it's going to help me get over my addiction completely. It's a mixture of cognitive therapy and behavioral therapy. Well, duh. Even I knew that. But anyway, the cognitive part focuses on thoughts, assumptions, and beliefs. It's supposed to help me learn to recognize and change faulty or maladaptive thinking patterns. Cognitive therapy is not about "positive thinking" in the sense that you must always think happy thoughts. It's a way to gain control over racing, repetitive thoughts which often feed or trigger anxiety. Then there's the behavioral part. It's just supposed to help me learn how to control my behavior through desensitization, relaxation and breathing exercises. Enough with that boring shit.

I feel depressed all the time, like I'm never going to get better. And now I'm having really vivid and unpleasant dreams every night. I feel really restless and now I'm hungry all the time. Even though I'm so hungry, I can't really ever eat much. I haven't eaten in so long that it makes me sick. I was never hungry on the cocaine, and now I am. Maria told me it's all part of withdrawal. She also told me that over time, my symptoms will completely stop. I can't wait for that to happen. Because aside from feeling hungry for food, I'm still hungry for the drug. But I can't go back to it. It's not going to help me.

Right now I'm sitting at my Monday night group therapy session. It's the first one that I've had following a school day. The school here is pretty much the same as at Degrassi: boring and useless. We don't even have to get good grades here because we're supposed to focus on our addictions. Basically everyone passes if they get better. That's the only part I like.

So anyway, our session has just started and everyone's sitting here staring at each other. Rebecca walked into the room and sat down, smiling at all of us. She looked at me the longest before talking.

"Does anyone have any comments to start off the session?" she asked. Everyone looked around at each other. No one had anything to say. Nothing important. Not many people wanted to talk at all. I don't know what came over me, but I just started talking.

"My name is Ellie. I like to film things with my video camera, and I'm here because I'm addicted to cocaine." Now everyone's eyes were on me, including Rebecca's. I was about two weeks late with that response, but she was smiling. I thought her mouth would fall off her face. That's how much she was smiling. I looked around and realized that everyone was smiling. I was the only one who hadn't opened up at all. The only one who hadn't spoken. And apparently they liked hearing from me.

"Well Ellie, that's fantastic," Rebecca said. Fantastic? Right. Sure. Whatever. Then everyone clapped for me. That made me really uncomfortable, but when they saw this, they all stopped. Rebecca led the discussion off from there, and we talked about how we all thought we started doing drugs or drinking in the first place. I actually said more that night too. It was the turning point for me I guess. Well, the second turning point. The first part was admitting to myself that I was addicted. And then I decided to get better.

I walked back to my room that night feeling accomplished. I was one step closer to quitting this completely. And more importantly, I was one step closer to Jay. I really missed him.

* * *

I didn't feel like getting up this morning. My second day of school and I'm already skipping. Yeah, I said skipping. I didn't go at all. I sat in my room and stared at my pictures. No one ever came to get me to force me to go to class. And I was thankful for that. I was just too depressed to go. My depression was a strange thing. After class was over, Rayne came to my room.

"You wanna come hang out with me and Xave (her nickname for him) in his room?" she asked me. I shook my head and turned away from her. Then she came and sat down next to me on my bed. "What's wrong?" she asked. "We missed you in class today."

"I didn't feel like going," I grumbled.

"Well, why don't you come and hang out with us? We'll have so much fun," she said, almost pleadingly. I looked up at her and she was giving me puppy dog eyes. "Pretty please? We can pretend we're sitting around a campfire, and roast marshmallows, and share ghost stories!" she said in her sarcastic way. I laughed. I just had to.

"Fine, you've convinced me," I said. I followed her over to Xavier's room and we did exactly that. Yeah, we're dorks, but in a way, it was really comforting. I guess it's just good to have people you can relate to when you're in this kind of situation.

I stayed with them until it was time for my one on one therapy session. It was my first one. I walked to the room I was assigned and knocked on the door.

"Come in!" A man's voice shouted from the other side. Expecting to see one of those couches that I'm supposed to lie on with a chair next to it, I opened the door. There were two couches, three chairs, and a desk with my therapist sitting behind it. "You must be Eleanor," he said, smiling at me. He was pretty young, maybe in his late twenties, with brown hair and blue eyes. I had to admit, he was kinda cute.

"Call me Ellie," I told him. "You must be Dr. Hill."

"You can call me Ethan," he said. "Please, sit down anywhere you like."

"Anywhere?" I asked.

"As long as you're comfortable, I don't mind," he told me. I knew right away that I was going to like him. I walked over near the window and sat down, right on the floor. I crossed my legs under me and looked over at him. He smiled, stood up, walked over, and sat down right across from me in the same fashion.

"So, what are we supposed to talk about here?" I asked him. "Are you just going to try and get my deep dark secrets out, then tell me stuff I already know about myself?"

"Not exactly. We can talk about whatever you want. Pick any topic. You can even ask me questions if you want," Ethan said. It's really weird to call him that.

"Well then, are you married?" I asked him. It was the first thing that came to mind. I couldn't help myself.

"Yes, actually, I am." He showed me the ring on his finger. "I've been with my wife for ten years now, but we've only been married for three," he said.

"Just how old are you?" That was my next question. Instead of getting embarrassed, he laughed.

"I'm twenty-five," he answered.

"So, do you have any kids?" I asked him. His face fell a little. Uh oh. Then he perked up a little before answering.

"Well, I had a son, Nathan. Last year, he ran out in the street after his ball. His babysitter was supposed to be watching him. He was hit by a car and didn't make it. He was only one year old." The entire time Ethan told the story, he never cried once. But I was in tears before he even finished. "I'm sorry if I upset you," he said.

"No, I shouldn't have asked the question," I said, still crying.

"Ellie, I told you that you can ask anything you like. If I don't want to answer, then I won't." I wiped a few of my tears away.

"You know, I had a son too," I said. "I was pregnant and I got into a car accident. He died and I had to give birth to him. All I could think was that maybe he'd wake up, maybe there'd be a miracle. But it never happened. And it's all my fault," I said, tears coming faster.

"That must have been really hard for you," Ethan said. He handed me some tissues. "I want you to know that it wasn't your fault. You can't blame yourself," he said. All I could do was cry. I couldn't even talk anymore. And Ethan sat there, watching me cry. He knew I didn't want to talk. He periodically handed me more tissues. Before I knew it, our two hours was up. Ethan walked me back to my room.

Part of me felt stupid for taking up his time like that. I wasted an entire session. Or so I thought. I later learned that the sessions were for exactly that. Ethan was happy to get any type of reaction out of me. He said it meant I was getting better.

The other part of me felt relieved. It was the first time that I really opened up to someone and told them about Zane. Well, meaning people who didn't already know of my situation. I was already looking forward to my next session, which wasn't until Thursday. To pass the time I decided to write letters to Jay, Marco, and Sean.

**Marco**

"Guys! Come quick!" I yelled. Sean and Jay came running into the living room.

"What?" Jay asked.

"What is it?" Sean asked.

"Why don't you let me tell you instead of getting all impatient?" I told them. They immediately shut up and listened. "This came in the mail today. We each got a letter from Ellie," I said, holding the envelope up. It had been a month since she left. I opened the envelope up and distributed the letters.

Jay ran off to Ellie's room, closed the door, and read his. Sean did the same, going into his room and closing the door. I felt a little left out because I didn't have a door to close, but then I slowly unfolded the letter. This was it. Either she still loves me, or she hates me. She's getting better, or she never will. I took a deep breath and started to read.

_Dear Marco,_

_I'm sorry it took so long for me to write. A lot of things have been going through my head, and I had to straighten my thoughts out. First off, let me tell you that I still love you. I don't blame you for anything, and I'm glad you all brought me here. When I first found out that your mom was going to be my guardian, I freaked a little. I didn't really want her to know about everything. I was afraid she'd be disappointed in me. But I'm also glad. It will be fun to live at your house. Things will go back to normal, I hope. _

_I have two new friends here, Xavier and Rayne. They're twins. I also have two therapists, Rebecca, my group therapist, and then Ethan. He's really great and kinda cute. I think you'd like him. _

_I want you to know that I'm slowly getting better. Things will not be over right away, but I'm getting there, little by little. I can't live without you either Marco. And I want to be your Ell Bell again. I'm sorry if this letter is short, but I've got two more to write. And I have therapy soon. I can't wait until you visit me; just one more month._

_Oh and school here is really boring!_

_Love,  
__Ellie_

I had tears in my eyes, but the letter also made me laugh. I felt like she finally sounded like herself again. I immediately got some paper and a pen and started writing back to her. It's the only way to talk to her. But in one month, that all changes.

**Jay**

I admit it; I left the room because I didn't want to cry in front of the other guys. Not like I haven't done it before, I just didn't feel like it this time. And boy did that letter make me cry.

_Dear Jay,_

_I love you so much! I had to make that my opening line. I want you to know that I am trying so hard to get better. I want everything to go back to the way it was. I really love you. Bear with me if I repeat that a lot in this letter. _

_I don't think you're a horrible person at all for taking me here. I think it's the best thing you guys have ever done for me. You all saved my life, and I'm forever grateful for it. I don't like being a frog very much. I want to be your princess again. _

_I will be stronger once I get out of here. I miss you so much right now. I can't wait until you can come and visit me. They'll actually let you come into my room…we all know what could happen there. Of course, they'll search you first, so don't bring any drugs with you! I'm just kidding; I know you wouldn't do that._

_I think you'll be happy to know that I have some friends here; Rayne and Xavier. My therapists' names are Ethan and Rebecca. They are really nice. My nurse's name is Maria and she's almost like a friend more than a nurse. Despite the whole withdrawal thing, and having to go to school, I actually like it here. I've really been able to open up to everyone. _

_Once again, let me say that I love you so much. I'll be counting the days until I can see you again._

_Love,  
__Ellie_

I didn't know I was capable of crying that hard. But they were good tears this time. I'm so glad that she's getting better. Just reading that letter let me know that she's back to her normal self. Well, almost.

**Sean**

I really wanted some privacy to read my letter, so I went into my bedroom. After reading it, I cried a little, but not too much. Oh, if Ellie only knew that she could make three guys cry. She'd probably think it was funny.

_Dear Sean,_

_I love you too Sean, in a friendly way. You are one of my best friends and I do value our friendship as much as you do. I do forgive you and Jay and Marco. I'm glad you brought me here. It is really helping me. _

_Marco and Jay will probably fill you in on my new friends and my therapists. School sucks for me as much as it does for you; trust me. I know now that I can live without drugs. You've helped me see that. Your letter really helped me too. I can't wait until you come visit me. _

_Sean, I want to thank you for our relationship that we had. I'm not sure if you're on good terms with Emma right now or not, but please ask her to visit too. I'd write her a letter too, but I actually don't know her address. I know that's a lame excuse, but it's the truth. I think I'm tired of writing letters anyway. I miss you. Visit the day I'm allowed to see you!_

_Love,  
__Ellie_

After regaining my composure, I put the letter under my pillow and went out to the living room where I found Marco scribbling away. I'd write back later. I turned the television on and flipped through the channels. Jay joined us ten minutes later. We all sat there in silence, thankful that Ellie was getting better. And it was the best feeling in the world.

**A/N: Sorry if the chapter jumps a little. It jumps two weeks from the point Ellie sits down to write the letters and the point where the boys get them. She didn't write them all in one day. The lyrics at the top are from the song "Alive And Well" by Rise Against. They own it. **


	29. This Ruined Puzzle

**Chapter Twenty-Nine: This Ruined Puzzle**

**Ellie**

It's been a week since I sent the letters to the guys. I've been feeling better. I've even been doing well in school, and talking non-stop in therapy. I guess once I was able to just start talking about my problems, it was really easy to elaborate on them. And Ethan is like a really good friend to me. He's not like other therapists (of course, the only other therapist I've experienced is Rebecca). He doesn't pretend that everything's okay all the time.

He's laughed and cried with me while we share good and bad stories. He always gives me a hug if I'm really feeling down. The only thing I haven't talked about is Matthias. He doesn't know a thing about him. But I think I'm ready.

Matt's death is the only part of my life that has been really hard for me to talk about. It's easier to talk about Zane than Matthias, and I guess that's because I shared twelve years of my life with him. I never got to know Zane. But just thinking about that depresses me, so I'm going to stop for a moment. Right now I'm sitting in Ethan's office, waiting for him to show up. He's late.

"You're late," I said as soon as he walked in the door. I was sitting in my normal spot, on the floor by the window.

"I know; sorry. I got caught up in a group session. We stayed an extra few minutes," he explained, taking a seat across from me.

"I'll forgive you this time," I said. "But next time I won't be so easy on you," I joked.

"What could I ever do to make it up to you?" he asked. We both laughed and went on with normal business. "So I have a new question for you," he said.

"And that would be?"

"Well, you've told me all about your parents, your son, and your friends, but you haven't mentioned anything about siblings. Do you have any?" he asked. Uh oh. Okay, so ten seconds ago I thought I was ready to talk about Matt, but now I'm not so sure.

"I have a half-brother, Kieran. You know, that girl my dad cheated with. He's her son. And his son," I said.

"That's right. I remember you telling me about him awhile back. No full siblings then?" he asked.

"Well…" I couldn't finish the sentence.

"You don't have to answer if you don't want to," Ethan said.

"I want to, it's just…I don't know how to start. And I think you'll hate me once you found out," I said.

"Why would I hate you?" he asked me.

"Because my brother died. And this time it was my fault."

"Don't say that. It wasn't your fault," Ethan told me.

"How can you be so sure? You weren't there," I said, holding back tears.

"Tell me what happened then," he said. He always had a way of getting things out of me that I didn't want him to know. I guess that's his job.

"When I was twelve, we stayed up really late one night. We heard something downstairs and Matthias decided to deal with it himself. He insisted that we didn't need to wake our parents up, that he could do it. Well, some stupid guy was stealing our TV and he shot him. I didn't do anything to stop him." I burst into tears after my confession, and almost expected Ethan to tell me to leave and never come back. Instead, he brought me into his arms and hugged me.

"What would you have done to stop him?" he whispered. "Jumped in front of him and died instead?" he asked me.

"Maybe, I don't know," I cried.

"Matthias wouldn't have wanted that. He wanted you to live Ellie. There was nothing else you could have done."

"I could have woken up my parents. I shouldn't have listened to Matt. It's my fault," I said, my tears soaking his shirt.

"Even if you had woken them up, something might have happened to one of them. And then you'd still be blaming yourself. You can't do that anymore. It's not good for you," he told me.

"I just wish I had my brother back. I miss him so much," I said, fresh tears coming.

"I know you do. But you have to try and remember all of the good times you had. Remember how happy he made you when he was alive. And remember how much he loved you," Ethan said.

"I'll try, I really will." And that was the last time we talked during that session. Ethan held me in his arms while I cried all of the tears that I could. He walked me back to my room an hour later.

That was possibly the most important therapy session I ever had while I stayed at the Freeman Institution. It helped me find closure in my brother's death. Ethan taught me that instead of blaming myself, I should try to think positively. And it really works. I really believe that it has made me a better person. It has made me feel truly happy for the first time in my life.

**Emma**

I feel really bad for not writing to Ellie at all. It's not that I don't want to write; it's just that I'm not sure what to write. What do you say to someone who is going through extensive therapy to get over an addiction? I sure hope it works? Yeah, right. I think I'm just going to surprise her when I go to visit.

I'm organizing a party for her. The exact day that she's allowed visitors is her birthday. I've already spoken with her nurse on the phone about it. Somehow they're going to get Ellie out of class and therapy for the day.

People have been talking about her at school lately. Everyone's wondering where she is. I told Manny that she went to a different school because I knew she'd tell everyone. She has quite a large mouth. But anyway, it shut people up for now.

I'm not sure what happened to her, but Paige never showed up for school here. Ellie would be happy if she were here. I've been hearing rumors that ever since she was caught having sex with Ellie's dad that she asked her mom if she could be put in private school. Her mom found out when Dylan accidentally let it slip at the dinner table. And when Mr. Nash was convicted of murder, Paige's mom instantly allowed her to change schools. They all moved away actually. Well, it's just a rumor, but it's very possible that it's the truth. I'm pretty sure Hazel's the one that told everyone.

There's also been a rumor that Paige got pregnant. I really hope that one's not true. But even if it is, she's gone now. I wouldn't dare tell Ellie that rumor. She'd probably freak out. Or hurt herself.

But anyway, I can't wait to see Ellie. She's one of my best friends. I've been hanging out with Sean, Marco, and Jay, but it's awkward between Sean and I. We usually avoid each other, even when the boys invite me over for movies. I always bring Spinner with me so it's not too bad. Here I am, going on an on about myself when I should really be thinking about Ellie. I hope she's getting better.

**Ellie**

After I gave myself some time to calm down, I decided to see what Rayne and Xavier were up to. As usual, they were sitting in Xave's room, doing absolutely nothing at all. As soon as I showed up, we started to fool around, making jokes and just talking. It was the only fun we could really have here. We did get some homework done too. Then Rayne had to go to her therapist. And now I wish I had left when she did.

"What do you wanna do?" I asked Xavier. I was sitting on the floor with my back leaning on his bed, and he was sitting right next to me.

"Well, we could go down to the family room and watch some dumb movie," he said.

"No thanks. I'd rather stare at the wall than watch another one of those," I said, laughing a little.

"Or we could do this." He leaned in and kissed me on the lips. And I let him. I just relaxed and kissed him back. Then he put his tongue in my mouth. And I realized what I was doing. I pushed him away from me.

"I have a boyfriend!" I yelled. I could feel tears building up behind my eyes. How could I do that to Jay? Emma already did it to him. I jumped up and threw the door open.

"Ellie, wait! I'm sorry!" Xavier yelled after me. I just ran and ran until I got to my room and slammed my door, locking myself inside. I fell to the floor in tears. Someone started knocking on my door.

"Go away!" I yelled. The knocking stopped immediately and I ran into my bathroom. I looked around for something, anything. I wished I had my compass. Rayne was right; there was nothing in here for me to hurt myself with.

Wait, why am I overreacting? If I just talk to Jay, he'll understand. There's no need to hurt myself over this. It's just that hurting myself has been my only defense mechanism. Boy do I need to find a new one. And I probably shouldn't be mad at Xavier either. I've been flirting with him a little and I never told him I had a boyfriend. The poor guy. He probably thinks I'm crazy now. Not knowing what else to do, I curled up under my blankets and fell asleep.

* * *

I've gone through so much in my life that I feel like I could die. But I don't want to. Of course I don't want to. I realized that I have so much to look forward to now. Ever since I was twelve years old, I felt like my life was falling apart. Some man took my brother away with a single bullet. And that bullet broke me down. 

With that bullet came more heartache and pain. My heart broke into so many little pieces that I couldn't even count them. Each piece represents someone that I love. Matthias, my mom, my dad, Marco, Zane, Sean, and Jay are the most important ones. Some of the new pieces are Emma, Ethan, Rayne, Xavier, Riley, and Kieran. My heart is like a puzzle that was left out in the rain. The pieces don't fit together anymore.

Now I feel like I need to put my heart back together. It's the only way for me to move on with my life. The puzzle is drying out in the sun. Some pieces will be damaged forever, unable to fit back into the puzzle. But the rest will fit perfectly.

I'm going to make a new life. I have new friends, and so many people who love me. Maybe all someone needs is love to get them through their pain. Maybe it will fix me; maybe it won't. All I know is that I have to try. I have to put the puzzle back together. It's my only chance.

_This ruined puzzle is beige with the pieces all face down  
So the placing goes slowly  
The picture's of anything other than it's meant to be  
But the hours they creep, the patterns repeat  
Don't be concerned  
You know I'll be fine on my own  
I never said, "Don't go."_

**A/N: Okay, I don't want to sound like I'm begging or anything, and it's probably a little too late to say this now, but if you read this fic, please review to each chapter individually. I want to get at least 100 reviews for it! Well, if you read any of my stories review for each chapter please. Thanks. There's only one more chapter left! The little part of a song is from "This Ruined Puzzle" by Dashboard Confessional. They own it. **


	30. Pick Up The Pieces

**Chapter Thirty: Pick Up The Pieces **

**Ellie**

I've officially been here for two months now. And today is my birthday. I didn't get any letters from Jay, Marco, or Sean. It's really depressing to wake up on your sweet sixteen in rehab with no one to even acknowledge the special day. I didn't even want to go to school. And then I found out that I didn't have to.

"You're off the hook for school today girl," Maria said, walking into my room.

"Why?" I asked. I was grateful, but also a little suspicious. I hoped it wasn't another yoga session. I don't mind the meditating, but yoga is another thing. It's really boring.

"You're whole class has two inspirational films in the family room. It happens to everyone once they hit their two month mark," she explained. I groaned. Great.

"Thanks for the great news," I said sarcastically. Maria simply smiled and closed the door, ready to get back to work. I took my shower as slowly as possible, and took extra time getting dressed. Maybe if I was late, they wouldn't want to disrupt the movie and wouldn't let me inside. Or I could skip it entirely and go pay a visit to Ethan. Yeah, that's what I'll do.

I left my room and slipped past the nurse's station, hoping no one would see me going in the opposite direction of the family room. And no one did. I knocked softly on Ethan's office door, trying not to draw any attention to myself. When there was no answer, I knocked a little louder. Still no answer. I tried the door, but it was locked. Then a random nurse walked by.

"Ethan's not in today," she said. My face fell and she noticed. "Sorry honey," she said and kept walking. How could he not be here? He's always here. He said he'd be here whenever I needed him. And now he's not. I almost started to cry, but held back. It's not like something terrible is going on. I'm just trying to skip a movie. I guess I'll just go then.

I reluctantly trudged to the family room. I tried to go as slowly as humanly possible. Then I saw that the lights were off. Yep, I was definitely late. Good. I pulled the door open and…

"SURPRISE!" The lights flicked on and people jumped up from every spot possible. "Happy Sweet Sixteen Ellie!" They all yelled. I couldn't help myself. I started to cry. They really hadn't forgotten about me. I surveyed the crowd and found him. Running past everyone else, I flew into Jay's arms. He kissed me hard. Our kiss continued for a minute or so, until we remembered that everyone was watching.

With Jay by my side, I walked around the room, greeting everyone and thanking them for coming. Then I saw Ethan. So that's why he wasn't in his office. I introduced him to Jay and they started talking, so I went off in search of some more of my friends.

I talked for a few minutes with each person. The guest list included Jay, Marco, Emma, Sean, Rayne, Xavier, Ethan, Maria, Rebecca, and the rest of the people from my classes and group therapy. It was probably the best birthday I had in a while. Every person that was important to me was there.

After about an hour at the party, there was one person I hadn't talked to. Xavier was trying to stay inconspicuous against the wall at the back of the room. I walked over to him but he didn't notice me at first. He had his head leaning against the wall and his eyes closed. I poked him in his side and he jumped.

"Hey Ellie," he said sadly. "Happy Birthday."

"Thanks. I wanted to talk to you about what happened," I told him. He'd been avoiding me ever since the day he kissed me. And that was about three weeks ago.

"I'm really sorry. If I had known about Jay…" but I interrupted him before he could finish.

"It's not your fault. I wanted to say that I was sorry. I should have told you about him. I'm not sure why I didn't," I said. Although I had a pretty good idea why. I just didn't want to confess that to Xavier. "And I hate not spending time with you," I added. "Will you forgive me?"

"Of course I will," he said. I smiled at him and we hugged. We were still hugging when Jay came up behind me.

"Ellie?" he said.

"Oh hey. Jay this is Xavier, Xavier this is Jay," I said, introducing them. They shook hands and nodded their heads at each other. A guy thing. Whatever. I could tell that they were a little uncomfortable around each other. "So, who wants to watch me open my presents?" I asked, motioning towards the pile on the table in the middle of the room. Without waiting for an answer, I grabbed Jay by the hand and pulled him toward the presents. Xavier followed silently.

For the first time in almost a year, I was the center of attention for something positive. It was no longer everyone watching me to make sure I wasn't cutting or doing drugs. They were just watching me open my birthday presents.

I got a pretty beaded bracelet from Rayne and a matching necklace from Xavier. Jay got me a bunch of my favorite movies and books. From Marco I got a hand made scrapbook of all the good times we had. That present made me cry. Sean made me a mixed CD of our favorite songs; which made Jay shift in his seat a little. Ethan got me an MP3 player. I was amazed. It was awesome. There were already some of my favorite songs on it, which I later found out he got advice from Marco to find out what I liked. Emma got me some nice clothes; I have to admit, she does have good taste. Maria gave me a book full of inspirational quotes. I liked it a lot better than the movies they made us watch here. My other classmates and Rebecca made me some various crafts from any materials they could scrounge up. They were the best presents I had ever gotten.

After all the presents were opened, we had pizza, cake, and ice cream. Then I got to hang out with everyone and talk to them. When the party was coming to an end, I didn't want all of my friends to leave. Maria told me that I was allowed to have one friend stay for two more hours. Emma, Sean, and Marco all understood that I had to pick Jay. They didn't even make me choose. All of them volunteered to let him stay. After hugging them all goodbye (and kissing Marco), I walked them as close to the front doors as I was allowed to go, and led Jay back to my room.

"Well, this is it," I said, sitting on my bed. Jay looked around for a minute before joining me.

"Pretty impressive," he said. We both laughed and then I leaned in and kissed him.

"So, we have two hours. What do you want to do?" I asked.

"We can do anything you want," he answered.

"I was hoping you'd say that," I grinned at him and pulled him down on top of me, forcing my tongue past his slightly parted lips. After a few minutes of kissing, Jay pulled my shirt off and I instantly threw my arms across my chest. "Jay! There's a camera," I said, pointing it out.

"In that case…" Jay turned around, waved to the camera, and pulled my comforter over us. It was a little too warm underneath it, but also added to the intimacy. Jay and I had sex for the first time. In rehab. And it was the best sex I'd ever had. At least we have a great answer for that question, 'What's the craziest place you've had sex?'

After two hours of long awaited passion, Jay had to leave. I didn't want to see him go, but I knew that it was all worth it. In ten months I'd be out of here, and I'd be able to have that same sex with him every night if I wanted.

"I love you," Jay whispered and kissed me goodbye. It was definitely the best goodbye I'd ever received.

"I love you too," I said, watching him walk down the hallway. For the first time in my life, I knew I was going to be okay.

_I was a drift on an ocean all alone  
You came and rescued me  
When I was far from home  
Rush of love around my heart  
Just as I fell apart _

Nobody ever cared as much for me  
Nobody's touched my heart and healed my pain  
You've picked up the pieces and put me back together again

Careful, we're fragile and easily we break  
In your arms I'm certain  
It's all the love we make  
Rush of love around my heart  
Just as you take my hand

Nobody ever cared as much for me  
Nobody's touched my heart and healed my pain  
You've picked up the pieces and put me back together

I'll write you name in  
Stars across the sky  
We'll drift away  
Into each others eyes

_Nobody ever cared as much for me  
Nobody's touched my heart and healed my pain  
You've picked up the pieces and put me back together again _

**A/N: THE END! That's it guys! The song is "Pick Up The Pieces" by 'Boys Attack' from Instant Star and they own it. I hope you liked the ending. I originally had a different one planned, but I liked this better. I'm sorry to say that there won't be a sequel. I've decided against it. Be on the lookout for my other two new stories Better Luck Next Time and Take Me As I Am. I hope you'll read them. I'm sad to finish this story because it has been my favorite one to write. Hopefully you liked it! **


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